Why now???!!!

The last few weeks I have been trying to figure out what has changed so much that it all seems to be clicking NOW. Why not the last 25 years??!! Or 35??!! Face it, I have been overweight since I was a child. Family used to tell me "Oh, you would be so pretty if you weren't so fat." My god, don't ever tell that to a child. That sticks with you for a lifetime. Elementary school was torture. I could never wear the cool clothes that were in when I was in 4th-8th grade. Dittos? Yeah, right. You had to have a small butt to wear those. Add to it the fact that my hair was a frizzy, curly mess. Thank god there are hair products now or I would still look like that. I had my group of friends, but I hid my shame in being a good student. A reader. Not one that enjoyed exercise or was even good at it.

In 4th grade, I don't know what ever possessed me to join the basketball team. I doubt my parents forced me. They were too busy working and fighting and my dad was the consummate couch potato/junk food eater. I must have had a moment of clarity and thought "Why not? I could do this." Well, I don't remember much about that season or even who was on the team with me, but I do remember not being very good. That was the end of organized sports for me. Which cracks me up that I have an athlete for a son. Thank God! Hopefully Cassie will be one too.

In high school, I was thinner but I never ever ever saw myself as thin. The hair improved maybe a bit, thanks to Desiree, my best friend, who was cooler than me and much better looking. Still, even though I had a boyfriend from Sophomore year on, I battled my weight. At his soccer games, and he STILL tells this story, I missed him getting in a fight and a black eye on the field because I was reading a book! I was, and still am, an avid reader and will never apologize for that. But I lost myself in books and school rather than be active.

Over the years, I yo-yo'd with my weight, dieting, walking, never liking to sweat or exercise, and guess what? It always came back. In 2001 when I began teaching, I lost 4o pounds in 4 months and thought "Whoo hoo!" but Franklin always said I looked sick and something was wrong. I attributed it to the fact that I was bringing my lunch to school, not overeating, and kept busy all day in the kindergarten classroom. I remember at my brother Steve's 2nd wedding, I was so thin (no wait, never THIN, just thinner) and all the compliments I got from my family made me feel really good. But I was nervous, jittery, bitchy, my heart would race. It wasn't until I saw my OBGYN for my annual that she looked right at me and told me my thyroid was enlarged. I said "What the hell is a thyroid?!" Turned out I was severely hyperthyroid and was diagnosed with Grave's disease. That's another long story, but suffice it to say that my endocrinologist told me I would put all the weight back on. I flat out told him I would never. Well, honey, never say never. It took a couple of years, but sure enough, I gained back the 40 pounds and a few more. I refused to radiate my thyroid, which would have put me on thyroid meds the rest of my life. I refused everything except the meds, and even those I gave up after a few years. Alternative medicine, acupuncture, spiritual work and now, I have been in remission for several years, no medication at all and was able to have Cassie 4 years ago. Man, I am way off track with what I started to write about.

I have been waking up in the middle of the night lately, my mind is racing with all these new changes in my life and my body. I think I am just trying to process WHY NOW. What has changed? I always wanted to lose weight, I always thought I could, I always had a reason to do it, I always believed it could be possible. I've always been told I could do it. I've tried and it worked, to a point. But what is so different now that it finally, truly, REALLY clicked? It feels so different now. It's not the same focus and determination I have had in the past. Two years ago I was in the gym 4-5 days a week, getting toned, and then was sidetracked by a car accident on the freeway when a gravel truck hit Cassie and I and totalled the car. We were lucky to walk away but I had back and neck injuries that had me in therapy for 6 months and away from the gym. Amazing how quickly you can lose your muscle tone, when it takes so long to build it up. I only gained 8 pounds in those 6 months, and I probably could have gone back to the gym sooner but I was afraid of re-injuring myself. And my focus waned.

Then in Feb. 2009, Franklin's family decided to do a Biggest Loser challenge. Boy, say "challenge" to me and it sets me on fire. We all weighed in once a week, and I was determined to win the $300 pot we all put in. I came in 2nd, not bad, lost to Frank who all he had to do was cut out his carbs and he dropped a ton of weight. That challenge kept me going, although my weight loss slowed, and the gym time was inconsistent. That has always been my problem, being consistent. I am a true procrastinator, and can find a reason to get out of anything unpleasant. I talk a good talk, but proof is in the pudding. Well, after that BL challenge, I actually never gained that weight back, but slowly lost over the next year. In December 2009 Jessica and I started going back to the gym somewhat regularly. THEN......

January 2010: My principal started a Principal's Challenge. The staff could choose to participate or not, share their personal goals or not, but make a commitment to get healthier as she did for her recent wedding. There goes the word CHALLENGE again. Lit that proverbial fire under my ass and I was off. I set a goal of 10 pounds and gym time 3 days a week. Even though I wanted more, I was afraid of failing again and not making my goal, this time in front of my peers. But something changed. I started wearing a pedometer and walking with other teachers at recess and lunch. I started really paying attention to what went in to my body. I had such a great support system around me, Lori for the diet, Jessica for the exercise, friends and family on Facebook with their constant support of me as I posted details about my weight loss and fitness accomplishments. I started drinking more water. I started logging all my food and water intake and logging my exercise daily. I started going consistently to my favorite classes at the gym, and bringing my gym bag to work so that I could change after my students left and go straight to the gym before I picked up the kids. My gym instructors noticed my determination and gave me support and motivation and advice. I started losing weight but more importantly, inches and people started noticing.

Then a couple of weeks ago, people started telling me their stories and asking me what I was doing. Bank tellers, friends, coworkers, family. HUH??!! Asking me for advice? What the hell do I know? I'm just plugging along. And then I had my AHA!!! Now I know what is different about this time. I have always "believed" I could do it. I have always been told I could do it.

NOW I FINALLY BELIEVE IT. For the first time in my LIFE, I have not an ounce of doubt in my mind that I can do this. Those aren't just words. My very gut, my soul, my everything, believes that. The exercise is the key. I never would have believed it. I have never been an athlete. I have never liked exercise. I never felt strong. This makes me teary because I have rarely felt this strong a conviction about anything so personal and internal. It's not the kids, or family. It's ME.

NOW I LOVE IT. What the hell happened? I don't care. I love it. I need it. I crave it. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel strong. I get pissy if I don't get to work out for a day or two. I have made exercise a priority. I schedule it. I get childcare. I don't let soccer take priority. I am a priority. The family has adjusted. I now have this urge to try new things, when I would normally shy away from anything that was not comfortable and familiar. Now I crave something different. I'll do a different post on that later. This one has gotten ridiculously long.

I see it. I believe it. I love myself and know I deserve this. I want this. I crave this. I know I can do it. I have no doubt. And now I'm crying.

Man, this is fun.