In the past, being sick or having bad allergies was my reason to crawl under a blanket, milk it for all it's worth, and certainly not exercise or eat right. I still don't know if what I have is a cold or allergies. All I know is that with my new outlook on life and my focus on fitness and taking care of myself, I pushed through my workouts, hoping that I wouldn't make it worse. Sunday I didn't want to miss because Jozi (above on the left) who was an instructor at Gold's previously, was back from Germany and teaching classes. Sunday I actually felt really good, the workouts were great, and after, Jessica and I took Cassie and Renee to Stanford to just hang out and be in the sun. We took silly posed pictures by a waterfall - me, as further documentation on my progress, and I made her do some too. Couldn't beat the nasal congestion and sore throat, though.
Of course, Tuesday, my favorite gym night of the week, Jozi was team teaching with Alex and I remember from long ago how much fun they are together so I wasn't about to miss it, even though I really felt crappy -not able to breathe, tired. As you can see from the upper left photo, after our 2 classes, I don't look very sick!! :) It was actually a good workout night for me - cleared my nose, did have to leave during Combat to go to the bathroom (I have NEVER left a class in the middle) but I have been pounding the water because I STILL have not lost any weight for the entire month of April!! Challenged Alex a bit, and it bit me in the butt because he expected me to do full shoots (the move that broke my butt a couple of weeks ago) and all my pushups on my toes. Well, the first one I tried - couldn't get back up again!! Totally collapsed. But I got back up on my toes and actually did 4-5 on my toes! I pushed myself hard overall, punched and fought like a mad woman. During Body Pump, Jozi was laying next to me on the chest track and came over to make an adjustment on my arm position - thought I had been doing it correctly the whole time - NOT!! What a difference a little shift in elbow position makes. WAY harder. And I feel it today.
I pushed so hard last night that I am incredibly sore today, feel a knot in my left butt cheek that is going to need some serious stretching and pounding to loosen up. Gotta do that tonight after a soak in a hot tub. Tomorrow is Combat again, and I need to be able to do the moves, I think Alex is teaching and he won't let me go half ass.
I made a comment to Jessica yesterday about being fat - I still consider myself fat - even though I see such a different person in the mirror. I think when you are fat your whole life, you have a hard time disassociating yourself from that label. I don't know if I will consider myself "not fat" until I am "thin". I still don't know what that looks like or even means right now. Although I get pissy when my scale betrays me, I still know that I have a ways to go in terms of losing more pounds. Since putting my scale away, I am not obsessing over my actual weight. I know that sounds contradicting since I just wrote that I have not lost anything the last month. I waffle back and forth on that one. On the one hand, I KNOW my body is changing, my clothes are looser (even the 14's I have been so proud to be able to wear) and when those "newer" clothes are getting baggy, I KNOW that I am losing inches. It's this obsession with the actual number. When will I feel skinny? 150? Thin? 140? Do I even dare think I could be what the doctors all recommend on those stupid BMI charts that say for my height I should be 125?? I cannot, will not, even fathom that if I lost 50 more pounds, I will be "thin" and happy. I am happy now. I think at 125 I will be skeletal. No, I realize it's a feeling, a feeling of being happy in my body, my skin, my clothes. I don't even know what size I want to be. I guess I will know when I get there. All I know is I still feel like a fat person, just not as fat. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel thinner, but still there is enough fat left to classify myself as a fat person. Old habits are hard to break.
Gonna soak and stretch.
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