I'm DONE

With kids, that is. I took Cassie to our friend Carrie's 2nd birthday party today. Another friend just had a baby 11 days ago, and she was fussy and as I took her from her mom, she calmed down, opened her eyes and stared at me. I melted. I held her for over 30 minutes, let her parents sit and eat and relax. She was so adorable, Charlotte. It took some time, but I walked and sang to her, and she fell asleep. Having that little cherub in my arms was so sweet, but so was the realization that I didn't feel the usual twinge to have another. Thank God. I am 42 and while Franklin would jump at the chance (crazy) to have another, I am getting my body. I can't say I'm getting my body back. I never had it. I look better and feel better today than I did before I got pregnant with Alexander when I was 26. I have NEVER had a nice body. Ever. So while I am tempted to say I am getting my body back, since I never had this body, I can't say that. So I'm a little stumped at what to say.

I noticed today when I showered and was getting ready that I was really happy with myself and what I was wearing and what I looked like when I was done. It was never that effortless before. Not that I can roll out of bed and look good. No way, far from it. Would never walk out of the house without mascara on, at the very least. But when I was done, and looked in the mirror, I thought "I like the way I look". That hasn't happened very often in my lifetime. I'm kinda pretty. For a 42 year old mom. It's weird. I don't want to become vain with all this. That's not what it's about. But I've always thought I was alright looking, sometimes pretty, usually just okay, depended on how I felt about myself at the time. Now I find myself catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and liking what I see. That concerns me. I DO NOT want to become vain. I don't know what to do with that. I am not ALL THAT. I am not the type of person that people just look at and say, "wow, she's stunning." And I am okay with that. It's not what everyone else thinks, just what I think. I have just never felt happy with the way I look, truly happy. Don't get me wrong. I still consider myself fat. Less fat, maybe, but still a fat person. I don't think I will consider myself a thin person until the saddlebags are gone and I can wear shorts with confidence. Then I will not consider myself fat. I'm even too self conscious to wear these tighter workout pants to the gym because they are not baggy. I'm going to try tomorrow and see if I can get through my workout without cringing at my legs and butt bouncing around in these tighter pants. Eek.

Franklin and Alexander got home from a tournament late today and I had to rush out to make it to the party. He looked me up and down and said before I left, "Who's going to be at the party?" and I told him a bunch of kids, my sister, etc. He said "Then why do you look so hot?" I just sighed and left. I don't get it. I'm not trying to look "hot". I don't even believe that I am. I just know that I felt good about how I looked today. Kind of an uncomfortable feeling. Weird. I still don't know what to do with that.

Two days of not working out has made me less cranky than I thought, but I have hardly burned any calories today especially, sitting around icing my knee. I tried not to eat too much today, since I am not burning many calories. The knee feels better, no pain, just an uncomfortable feeling that I might hurt it. Maybe it's all in my head. There's no more tightness, just a fear that I will injure it. I am so afraid that I will injure some body part and not be able to work out. Irrational, I know. I've been told that I must be overcompensating for some other weak part of my body. I don't know what that is. So how am I supposed to prevent injury? I know it's a risk that I'm taking, all the exercise. I just want to keep getting stronger and not worry about some niggling little fear of getting hurt. I am very ready to work out tomorrow. I enjoyed my day with Cassie, and the party, but I am beyond excited about my two classes.

I'm going to ice again, sit back and watch some tv or read and go to bed. Leaving at 8:15 tomorrow and Jessica is finally feeling better so we are going together. I've missed my workout partner!

So I am done. Done with having kids, done with resting my knee, done with being sedentary. Done with bad habits that don't serve me. There were people yesterday and today that still couldn't believe that I REALLY didn't want that piece of cake. I am done with it. I just don't want it. It's not my DIET. I am not DIETING. Someone else asked Jessica what kind of diet I am on. I am not dieting. I just don't crave the sweet stuff anymore. I did eat 2 thin mint cookies last week when I was, well. But it didn't taste the same and after, I wondered why the hell I did it. Just because normally at that time of the month I would have eaten a whole sleeve. But I seriously, truly, really don't want, need or crave cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, popsicles, candy. I am chewing a lot of Extra sugarfree gum. That seems to take care of my sweet tooth. I am eating carbs again, not white ones, just steel cut oatmeal, wheat bread, brown rice. At the party today, I didn't worry about what I was eating. I just ate what looked good - fruit salad, grilled veggies, a wedge of cheese and some crackers, and a small tri-tip sandwich on foccacia with arugula. Have no idea what the calories were, but I am satisfied that what I ate won't break the bank, even without working out. I just choose wiser, I didn't eat more than that, I didn't want or need to. I didn't eat cake, I am a little hungry now but I can have a yogurt or a hard boiled egg and I'm happy. My food choices are limitless but I am not going crazy because I don't need to.

It's all so strange. The way this is all just a way of life now. I've known for a lifetime that it's all about calories in, calories out, making better choices, being active, blah blah blah. I guess I wasn't ready for it before now. When people ask me, and I am getting it almost daily now, how I'm doing it, how hard it is, it almost seems rude to just say it is easy. I know it's not easy, not for so many people. It was never easy for me. It is easy now in the sense that it is automatic. It is NOT easy in the sense that I am still figuring out this exercise thing. That seems to be my biggest hurdle right now. I'm not worried about the food anymore. It is not easy when I obsess over working out, or worrying that I am going to injure myself. I don't know if anyone understands that or not. It's kind of an internal battle in my head. Sure I have people I can talk to and ask about it, Alex, Kimi, Jessica, but I am starting to feel like I have so many questions and the more I ask, the more I might piss someone off or just irritate the hell out of them. I find myself thinking about fitness all the time, and what I am doing, and how I can do it better, and what more can I do to challenge myself. I want to talk about it out loud, but I don't have anyone really to do that with. Franklin doesn't get it. Alexander doesn't get it. He even rolls his eyes. Jess gets it but I can't keep bugging her. I wonder if this is normal for someone going through a life change. God, is this my midlife crisis??!! How ridiculous this all must sound to people. And I am only writing it because it is constantly in my head and needs to get out. Maybe it will relieve some of the pressure in my head. Before it explodes. I have this image of my head with ?? coming out of my ears, nose, eyes.

So I'm done. Better go ice and rest. Sometimes I wish the battle in my head would go away, would just shut up so I can have some peace. I think I must be going crazy. Seriously.