The End of a Momentus Year

I feel a bit sad today. Not just because it's my dad's birthday, and since he has been gone, I spend the day remembering him and how we spent his birthday in years past. Mostly, as I got older and had kids, just taking him out for a meal or spending a couple of hours with him, then leaving to do our own thing. In hindsight, I wish I had spent more time with him, not just on his birthday but in general. He loved me so much, and I took for granted that he would always be there, and now he's not, and regret is a terrible emotion. I know he would be so proud of me right now, and how far I have come. We were fellow couch potatoes, sedentary to a fault, and after my parent's divorce, as a kid, we would spend time together eating, going to the movies or watching tv.

As he got older and had more health problems, mobility was not much of an option for him, and he spent most of his days in front of the tv, able to move around with a walker, and then the last year, on a scooter. It became difficult to take him anywhere because it was so hard for him to move around. I don't want to spend the last two hours of this decade remembering the tough times for him, but it's hard when his birthday is always at the end of the year to not reflect in some ways.

After he died, of complications from diabetes, congestive heart failure, heart attack, etc. I began on my journey. I had just turned 40, had lost dad the summer before, and didn't want to end up like him healthwise. Because of him, and all the pain he suffered, I wanted to make a change for me, for my children, for my future. I wish he were alive to know how much he influenced me. I know he knows it, I know he has helped me while I have gone through this transformation, but I still can't help but wish that he were here to really see it. I have felt his presence many times, and I have drawn on that strength to get me through some tough times.

I feel so reflective tonight, and we just got home after a long day out. I left the house at 7:30 am to drive to San Jose and take BodyCombat and BodyFlow with Donna, and it was so much fun to finally meet her and get to know another member of my new Les Mills family.  Then I stopped at 24 Hour Fitness and spoke to Chris, who checked and saw that my background check had cleared (on Christmas Eve!! which means I am now an official employee and can teach!) I came home, made breakfast, we then went to the mall to exchange some Christmas gifts and then Cassie and I went for long overdue manicures and I got a much needed pedicure. Alexander is at a friend's house for a party, which is strange because we always spend NYE together. That family invited us over for the festivities but I just want to stay home, get in my jammies and stay warm. I am in a very reflective mood because of the kind of year I have had and I just want to write whatever comes to mind.

I think back to 2000. The beginning of the new millennium. 10 years ago. Where the hell did the time go? So much has happened these last 10 years. 10 years ago was a lifetime ago from where I am at this moment. I was working for a dot-com as a Senior Project Manager. Alexander was only 6 years old. So much has happened since then....

*Tim, my brother's best friend from elementary school, was in a car accident with his wife Theresa and their son Mathew, 2 on 1-1-01 and was killed in that accident. It is impossible to fathom that was 10 years ago tomorrow. I still remember vividly the phone call from my brother, remember the pain that followed for everyone. And in the years since then, more changes. Ron falling in love with and marrying his best friend's wife, becoming a dad to Mathew, blending the families together. Can't imagine our family without them in our lives now.

*Getting laid off from my job after spending 4 months as a juror on a murder trial, causing me to put in action the steps to go back to school, get my credential and become a teacher.

*Being diagnosed with Graves disease, hyperthyroidism, and all the medication, testing, weight loss then weight gain that went along with it. Not being able to get pregnant because of it. Going into and remaining in remission.

*Having a miscarriage, then getting pregnant and having Cassie 11 years after Alexander. She is my miracle baby and an amazing child.

*Losing several aunts and uncles: Oom Huib, Oom Will, Tante Fien, Oom Dick, Oom Ben just this year. As my mother's brothers and sisters get older, it happens more frequently and is just sad because it means we are all getting older. Losing Franklin's grandparents, Mamita and Papalencho. Neither of them got to meet Cassie. Having great grandparents is special, something I never had, but I am thankful Alexander got to know them.

*Losing Dad. Enough said.

*Survived a major car accident on the freeway with Cassie, getting sideswiped by a huge gravel truck and walked away with minor injuries.

And then, the biggest transformation of all. This year alone, even though I began almost three years ago, has been the most amazing year of all, in terms of personal, emotional, spiritual and physical growth for me. I've blogged about my journey before, but I can't help but replay 2010 over and over in my head because that is the year it actually STUCK. This past year feels like it was fast forwarded, because of how my life has done such a complete 180 since last January. Last January, I had lost 30 pounds but was not consistent with food and exercise and was just living my life as a wife, mom and teacher.

Now, in December, I am an additional 30 pounds lighter, discovered a passion and desire for exercise and physical activity, began running, have run (okay, and walked) a half marathon, have made some new wonderful friends, trained to teach BodyPump and was just hired to be a group fitness instructor. HUH? Did I miss something? This is the stuff that happens over years and years. Not in just 12 short months.

It is so exciting to me to think about 2011. The first year of the second decade of the new millennium. Okay, whatever. It's a new year, and for the first time in my life, probably, I am really, truly certain that this year is going to be phenomenal. I'm always hopeful, always wish that the next year will be better than the last. But for the first time, I feel it in my gut. I can't help but be absolutely certain that it will be because I have witnessed a year that exceeded my wildest dreams.

I am a lucky woman, but also one that has rediscovered that I am not afraid of hard work, not afraid of putting myself out there. The only thing getting in the way was me, and I am not afraid anymore. Yes, I have frequent freak out moments. But I find it works for me. I need to voice the fear, feel reassurance, then face it head on and plow right through it. It takes hard work, consistency, drive, dedication, determination, blood, sweat, tears, laughter, teasing, embarrassment, pain, pain and more pain, but a whole lot of FUN FUN FUN. I don't think, looking back at the year, that I would trade any bit of what I went through. I don't think I would change or alter any of my experiences.

I am hopeful, excited, thankful, grateful for every person I have met, for every sore muscle I have had, for every tear I have shed. I am alive, I am loved, and I love.

Every moment of it. Bring it on, 2011. I am more than ready. I can't wait for the ride of a lifetime.

Whew. Christmas Craziness is over!

I have to say this was probably the best holiday I have had in years. And I didn't do a stitch of shopping until literally right before. There were several emotional freak out moments, fighting off a cold and exhaustion from the week before, and a long drive to Roseville and back yesterday. But once I was able to sit, relax, and enjoy the family moments, it was great. I took lots of great pictures, everyone in both families were present and accounted for, which hasn't happened in awhile, and it was so nice to feel good physically, feel loved and appreciated, and to give love back. Life is good. Other than missing Dad, that missing piece, it was a good holiday. New Year's will most likely be difficult, as always, since it is Dad's birthday, but I will muddle through it.

I am excited to see Kimi tomorrow in SF and do Spin and Body Flow. My body needs some hard cardio and some gentle flow. Too many sweets the last couple of days. Not enough exercise since my audition. Time to get back to it. Wednesday I am going to SF to see Alex and shadow with him during BP. I think what that means is I will be up front with him without saying anything, which is just fine with me! This is to help me get used to being in front of a class. I am BEYOND excited to see my two favorite LM people!!!!

When I think that launch is in less than 2 weeks, I start to have a freak out moment. I am still waiting to hear back from 24Hour regarding my background check (since I am a teacher, there BETTER not be anything unsavory there!!) and then I can meet with Angie again to talk about the launch and what my role will be. At this point, I know other instructors who will be team teaching that weekend in other clubs but I don't know what her plan is. She is doing the launch both Sat and Sun but the San Carlos gym has no Sunday classes. I will follow up on Wednesday or Thursday with the Operations manager at the club to see if the background check is complete.

Had a very productive day today, and I am so thankful I don't have to work this week. Slept in just a bit, after going to bed at 2am, made breakfast, went to the recycling center and took a ton of plastic bottles - got $70!!! Usually Alexander gets to keep the money but he was at a friend's house today participating in a RWC Amazing Race event all over town so guess who gets the money? I would love to put it on a Starbucks card (hahaha) but it is going in the kitty to save for our Dallas tournament in April. Flying the four of us out there won't be cheap, plus hotel, food, etc. Not to mention having to babysit 20 or so 16 year old boys....I can't wait. Then we went to the laundromat and got caught up on the backload of laundry - trying to do load after load in a small stackable just doesn't work. Did all of it quickly and had a nice lunch, just the three of us, and now Cassie and I are playing Perfection while the boys are out. Loved that game when I was young.

I feel so boring right now. Like I really have nothing interesting to say. That's a new one. Guess that's a sign to log off and put everyone out of their misery. I'll wait to write until something exciting happens.

A Momentus Day - YES, Another One!!

I don't know how many of these great days one person is entitled to, but I'll will take them if they keep coming.  Today was my audition at 24Hour Fitness......finally the days of practicing seemingly non-stop would either pay off or I would be back to square one.

Yesterday was overall not very productive in terms of practicing as I went to the Exploratorium with Amanda, Vince and the girls. Had a great time but weighing on my mind was the fact that I needed to run through all the tracks. We got back to RWC in time to grab a quick bite at In N Out before heading off to the gym to do an actual class run through using Amanda as my guinea pig. The gym manager let me use the sound system so I could put on the CD, use the equipment and pretend to be an instructor. Ran into Jessica there and pulled her into the "class", and I cannot explain the thrill as I began......I got giddy! Did the class but had to stop 10 minutes early because the next instructor came in and participants started to arrive, but kept pretty much on time. Not bad for a first run through. Finished with the girls out in the gym. It's amazing how much it lowered my anxiety about today. They were so funny, I even got an "I hate you" from Jess. I've given that comment out many times! It was amazing how strong I felt, being able to complete the class when the girls had a hard time finishing certain tracks.

After we were finished, I got great feedback from them. I made several errors in choreography, and they both said that they never would have known it if my face hadn't given it away. That's has always been a problem of mine, even though I used to act in high school and could cry on command. I guess I need to brush up on my acting skills and learn how to just keep going if I make a mistake. Alex says it's a show - I need to learn how to perform, and it's not about the mistakes I make but how I recover from them. I also started out talking too fast - another constant problem of mine, even when teaching in my classroom. My constant motor mouth. Once I got more comfortable and confident, they said I got better. I kept it moving, didn't dilly dally, forgot to mention some of the options, but I felt such a rush when it was over! I am so excited to continue to do this and get better and better at it.

Went to dinner at Benihana with mom, Amanda and her family, and mine. Had a great time, but didn't get home until after 10:30 and didn't get much practice in. Sigh. Then Cassie, who had a runny nose for a day, had a really bad night. Coughing, congested, crying and throwing fits all night in her sleep. Needless to say, the good night's sleep I needed, I did not get.

Woke up around 9am and dealt with a cranky, sick child, which of course, didn't leave any time to practice! By 11:00 am, the nervousness started in. By noon, I felt sick but got ready and left the house around 12:30. When I arrived at the gym, Angie was still teaching spin so I hung out, stretched, tried to calm myself down. When I finally met her, I asked her if I should set up and she said she would meet me in the Group X room. I started to set up and when she asked if she had given me a track list and I said no, she told me to choose anything I wanted to do! I asked what she wanted to see, and when she glanced at the clock, I asked how many she had time to see. She said to choose 2, a lower body and an upper body. Was she for real? Was my dream coming true? I had actually thought, hoped, on the way over, that she would only have time to see a few tracks. Never did I imagine only 2! SCORE!!!! Actually I said something in my head a bit more explicit but I can't type it here.

I chose squats and biceps. Squats because no way in HELL was I going to choose lunges. I am still sore from Alex's Dangerous lunges on Sunday. And I chose biceps even though I love the tricep track so I wouldn't have to do tricep pushups! I do love the bicep track.

It was so weird because she just sat against the mirror, with her BlackBerry in her hand, getting texts while I was doing my audition. I was doing squats and I swear she just stared at my thighs. I cannot tell you what was going through my mind. Well, actually I can. I was thinking "great, she is looking at my fat legs and now there is no way she'll hire me". I figured I was toast and that was it. It was hard to see on her face what she was thinking. While I was doing squats, there was a woman in the room using a mat and a ball and I could hear her yell over that the music was too loud. Angie told her she was auditioning and she would be done soon and she couldn't turn the music off. The woman actually came over to her to tell her again to turn it off and Angie yelled at her to leave her alone, she was busy and she would be done soon. It was hard to keep it together during that whole exchange, but I did it. Biceps went better, but again, it was very hard to do this for one person, while pretending that I was teaching to a class. It was easier yesterday with the girls.

I do have to say, though, that even though it was somewhat similar to my practice session with Alex, the one on one aspect with one person watching me, it was SO much better with Alex. It really does make a difference when you know that person cares about you and is invested in helping you. Angie didn't know me from Adam and it was very impersonal. So I may complain about Alex being hard on me, or not doing the routine with me, but again, I am struck by how much he knows about coaching and teaching and that he really did do what he needed to do, what he knew I needed.  I had to admit to him today that I am learning to just trust him, that he indeed knows best and I just need to listen to him :-)

When I was finished, I packed up and met her at her desk for a chat. We talked for awhile, she said she is not looking for an instructor who says they can only work one day, one time at one club. She would like someone who can go from San Mateo to possibly Mountain View, 5 clubs with lots of opportunities to sub and take a class. We talked about BodyCombat and BodyFlow, and she said she doesn't know when they will make it to her clubs but they are in San Ramon. So it's hopeful that eventually they will come here. She said a common complaint about the current BP instructors, and the classes is that they are too boring, not exciting or engaging enough. She thought that I would be good at it, and the fitness magic and all would come in time. I mentioned to her that I applied a couple of months ago and she looked me up and found me in the system. At this point I am thinking, "so do I have the job or what?" because it wasn't clear. She finally looked at me and said "We would be happy to have you on board" and then we talked about the launch. She is doing it on Jan 8 and 9, both Saturday and Sunday. She also mentioned that she has trouble keeping instructors on Sundays because no one wants to get up that early. After taking several classes from Amy at 7:40 am I actually like the early morning classes so that I get it out of the way.

Angie then explained that I needed to come back tomorrow, fill out the new hire paperwork with Chris, the manager, and then the paperwork would take about a week, maybe a bit longer with the holiday. Once I got my employee number, I would meet with her again and we would talk about time slots but I would definitely be a part of the launch. OMG. I don't even know what that entails.

I set up my appointment for tomorrow, then left and I swear I had imagined bursting into tears, but instead I had this stupid grin, literally showing my teeth, for about an hour afterward. I got in the car, called Franklin and told him, then drove to Starbucks for my reward, called Alex, posted on FB, etc.

I arrived home and the guys were going to watch a movie and Franklin made me sit down and relax. I had so much energy that he literally had to pull me down. We watched a comedy but my mind was on the news and several times I just started crying. He asked me what was wrong but once he looked at my face, he knew I was having my typical freak out moment (god I have so many of these now, way more than I ever did!). I just kept thinking "Why in the world would she hire me? I didn't blow it out of the water. I did okay, but not phenomenal. She kept looking at my fat legs, why would she hire me?" and on and on. Both Alex and Christelle pointed out that Angie was looking at my legs cause that's what you do in an audition but Christelle specifically said she was looking at my range and seeing that I was doing the move correctly. That's when it hit me that she was not staring at my thighs :-)))) Franklin just held my hand, told me how proud he was of me, and told me it would be okay. Good thing he knows me well enough to just let me freak out.

Later we were talking about what we needed to pick up for presents, since we are not doing a lot this year. I told him I DID NOT want him to get ME anything. Usually I say this and he still goes out late on Christmas Eve to Best Buy or something to buy me things to put under the tree. I do not need that this year. When he asked me why I didn't want anything, I burst into tears. Again. He looked puzzled (didn't he know why?) and I just said, simply, "I have everything I want!"

It's true. I have my health. I have my teaching job. I have my beautiful family. I have wonderful friends that support me. I have a roof over my head and a car to drive. And I have my new, exciting fitness classes to look forward to. I don't need anything. I have my life that is getting better and better and what could possibly top that, wrapped under our little mini tree? Nothing. I'm good. Oh, I need a smaller wedding ring but that can wait.

I was and still am in a bit of a state of shock. When I think of where I was just 3 months ago. 6 months ago. Today. Wow.

A benefit of becoming more fit, becoming stronger is I have all this pent up energy. I ended up this evening making the entire family, even the sick one, help clean. This place has been neglected, yes by me, and I needed to do some serious cleaning. I cleaned for 3 straight hours, including an hour in the bathtub scrubbing, and I didn't get tired. Oh joy. Great benefit of being more fit.

 Tomorrow I have a hair appointment in the morning, 24Hr Fitness at 11:30 to sign my paperwork, pick up the ham, go to Costco, and I have done NO Christmas shopping. It seems the world stopped as I prepared for this moment. Now I can relax for a couple of days but then I need to set up times to go work with Alex and Kimi and keep practicing.

I am THIS close to being a Les Mills Body Pump instructor. After I sign the papers tomorrow, maybe then it will really hit me. Watch out. Tears coming.

Out of My Comfort Zone

Today was such a great day. I slept in for the first time in weeks on a Sunday, skipped Amy's early morning BP class since I was going to spend time in SF practicing with Alex and taking his class. Practiced and scripted cues in the morning, spent time with the family, then during a surprisingly dry drive, went to SF to meet Alex at Golds.

Talk about being nervous. I know I didn't need to be, it's not like I was up on a stage or something. But it is an odd sensation to be looked at so closely by someone you have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for, and I was really embarrassed at first. It got easier, but I was fully expecting (I don't know WHY) that Alex would be in workout clothes, holding a bar and doing it with me. Uh, NO. He showed up in jeans and proceeded to stand there and direct, critique, push, cajole, tease, push, and laugh at me! All in good fun, of course. It was just so unnerving being watched that closely, but it was SO great to have honest, immediate feedback. I was not uneasy about my form and technique, it was the cueing and coaching that I had such a hard time getting to come out of my mouth! It felt strange to be cueing to someone who knows exactly what to do. I suppose it would be easier cueing to a roomful of people rather to one person staring at you......which means how am I going to handle this audition if it is just me, pretending to teach a class, to one woman watching and critiquing me? I would imagine a bit easier, since I don't know her, she doesn't know me, I can be nervous and act like I am not, where with Alex, I am not that good of an actress.

We spent so much time - or rather, he spent so much time having me go over and over things that we only got through 5 out of 10 tracks and so while I feel better than before, I am still nervous about the rest of the tracks. I wish we had more time before my audition to practice but I have to be a big girl and suck it up and get to it and get it done. I need to work tomorrow on tracks 8-9-10 and really nailing track 1 (in between taking Cassie and Jasmine to the movies to see Yogi Bear - too bad I can't get out of THAT one) going to the dentist, doing the whole class to my niece (she is very agreeable to being my guinea pig) and taking mom to the doctor in the evening.......and I haven't even thought about Christmas. Sigh.

After we practiced it was time for Alex to teach his BP class. I remember my very first class with him, and how confused and intimated I felt, and compared it to tonight - how sure, how strong, how fit I felt - and I felt great. Being part of the group, knowing the ins and outs so to speak, knowing that I was not just a participant any longer, being able to be a part of the class, yet know the WHYS and the HOWS of what he was doing as an instructor, it just felt so AWESOME. I truly enjoy taking the class as a participant, but I can't wait to lead the class.

Goodness. It's 1:30 am, I can hardly keep my eyes open and I have an early dentist appointment. I suppose if I forgot anything, there is always tomorrow.

Ready or Not, Here I Come!

I heard back yesterday from the Area Group X Manager for 24 hour fitness and well, I have an audition set up for Tuesday or Wednesday. As soon as I read the email from her, I had another freak out moment. My heart started racing, my stomach felt queasy, and I started shaking. THAT'S TOO SOON!!! Jessica was with me at my mom's and of course she is telling me I can do it but do I believe her at that exact moment? No, typical me has the freak out moment.

Got home and let Alex know. We had already planned to get together next week so he could help me practice but this just stepped it up a bit. He told me to stop whining (which I did, after a few hours) and get to learning ALL 10 freaking tracks because I have to be prepared to do all of them for her, and not just count on presenting a few. He gave me a deadline of tonight (a mere 24 hours since yesterday) to get on them. HELLOOO??? This is easy for these guys - not so for me but again, I work best under pressure, as much as I hate to admit it, so off I go.

I slept with the chorey notes under my pillow last night and I swear it helped - I woke up at 6:00 am on a Saturday, the first day of my vacation, laid in bed and turned on the music and had 2 more tracks down. I am now a firm believer in osmosis. It worked during the training module and it worked last night. The chorey just melted into my brain.......hahaha.

My Alex had a tournament game in Concord today but since he sprained his ankle in yesterday's game, he wasn't going to play so Cassie and I stayed home and I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. I am actually sore right now, even without using weights. Those tricep dips and pushups are doing me in and I know I will pay for it tomorrow. Did the dips on the coffee table (thanks Pam) and it just cracks me up that Alex saw me doing them and when he went to do some himself, I made him stop, put on track 5, and did them next to him while I coached him. He only could do the dips and pooped out for the rest of the track, hee hee. Mom kicked his butt!!

I am still struggling with a couple of tracks, shoulders and abs, and have to nail the warm up and cool down, but that's my plan this evening in between watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, which Alex is watching with Cassie cuddled up next to him. I just had to stop and blog because I have been thinking alot today. Shocker.

Excited to go see Alex tomorrow in SF and get some practice time in with him. It's going to be strange having him watch me and listen to me cue - I hope I get over the nervousness quickly because I need to perfect this as much as I can in a couple of hours and feel ready for my audition this week. I am SO very thankful he is taking the time to do this with me. I am very fortunate to have a friend like him. And it's so serendipitous that he was my first instructor, and now he is helping me become one. Whether he likes it or not :-)

I went with my friend Sandie for coffee today after I cajoled her into driving me to pick up my mother from a hair appointment since I had no car with the guys gone at soccer. I was telling her that I watched the Secret again today, and I am still amazed at how, since trying to live my life differently, asking for what I want and visualizing myself living the life I want to lead, how things have accelerated so quickly. It really makes a difference to not only ask for what you want, believe that you deserve it, picture yourself as if you already have it, and FEEL like you already have achieved it. 

Especially this Les Mills journey. I look back to June, when I found out that the classes were going away and how devastated I felt, how lost, how scared. How people would look at me like I was nuts for being so attached to this "program" and telling me that it wasn't the classes, it was ME that did the hard work. And it's true, I did do the work but no one understood how important the program WAS to me and how it made me feel to lose it. I cried, I sobbed, at the thought of it going away and people thought I was crazy for being so distraught. I remember thinking that I wish I could become an instructor so I would never lose it. I also remember thinking, "no way could I do it but WHAT IF?" It was only because I began to train for the marathon that my focus shifted or who knows if I would have ended up in a gutter because I was so distraught!

Then fast forward to October, after the marathon, joining 24 Hour Fitness to follow Les Mills and Body Pump, and having the thought that "I would love to become an instructor, but I am not ready." I remember going to SF with Beki to take Alex's classes in late October and voicing to her how I wish I could go through the training. Then like lighting, the thoughts kept coming in my head, inundating my thoughts, asking my instructor friends their opinions, forming the possibility of actually doing it. Sending off the email to 24 for sponsorship, applying and getting approved from LM and now, a MERE 7 weeks later, about to have an audition to become an instructor. It boggles my mind, when I take the time to really think about it, how RAPIDLY this all came about. It all stemmed from a thought, a little pinch in my brain, about the possibility of actually doing this. Paying it forward to people who are beginning their journey like I was when I walked into Alex's class in March 2008. How FREAKING EXCITING IS THIS?

Now I have what I wanted. Les Mills in my life. It hasn't gone away. It's here to stay because my passion, the class that started it all for me on this road to becoming fit and healthy, the enormous amount of FUN I am having (yes I am having fun even if I freak out constantly). I don't have to say goodbye to it anymore. I get to remain friends with the people who inspired me. I get to meet more fitness minded people who love this program as much or more than I do. I get to hopefully inspire others. I get to exercise. I get to be "in on it". I am part of a tribe.

God, it was just a few short months ago that I was just a participant. It is so hard, this learning of the choreography and practicing even when your muscles are sore, and listening to the music constantly. I never knew how much went into it. Am I complaining? No, I LOVE IT. Yes, I am stressed. But I think it's a good stress, if there is such a thing.

Oh, and HOW is it that I can listen to these tracks multiple times a day, every day, at home, in the car, sing along, count, move, sing, count, move, and I am still not sick of them? How is that possible? I don't get that one. Maybe this one release will always have a special place in my heart because it's my first. Do you ever get sick of it? Even songs that I wasn't crazy about in the beginning have grown on me and I am not tired of any of them. Hmmmm. Weird. And I just can't wait to teach this release in front of a room full of people!~ Someone should remind me, the night before I actually teach my first class, as I am having my freak out moment, that I wrote this. Cause you all know I will be freaking out. But right now, at this moment, I can't think of anything more exciting than teaching it.


I am just picturing myself getting hired on the spot and being a part of the BP76 launch on January 8. I am imagining myself on the schedule, one or two regular classes a week, like Sunday and Wednesday, or Monday and Wednesday. I am visualizing microphones that work, a packed class, people having a good time, grunting and moaning and whooping. And thanking me when it is all over for a great workout.

Christmas? Shopping? Who has time now? I gotta nail this! I guess on Wednesday night, after this audition is over, I will then finally begin to focus on whatever shopping I have to do. I am finding it hard to get motivated to buy presents for kids who don't need anything, when I am so thankful for my husband, my children, my family and friends, my health and my body, to have love and joy and be surrounded by awesome people......just can't see the importance of buying presents just because it's what we "do". My gift has already been given to me. The gift of health and of life and love. By so many. You all know who you are. From my blood family, to my extended family, and my childhood friends to my new friends, I love you all.  **Sniff sniff.**

I posted this quote today. "Whether you think you can or you can't; either way, you are right" ` Henry Ford.

I was corrected today by Jozi when I said I think I can - I KNOW I CAN!!!!

Here I come!!!!

Officially a Les Mills Snob

Well, it's happened. I am officially a snob. A Les  Mills snob, that is. I went to class tonight, first Turbo Kick Boxing, then Body Pump. I barely broke a sweat in TKB. It just is  NOT Body Combat. I went through the entire class knowing I was only there to get some cardio in, but it wasn't really worth it. I need to find something else to do for cardio but I love classes. Getting on a treadmill or elliptical just doesn't work for me either. I want to be running but with it getting dark early, I am not willing to run alone in the dark. So I need to think about this.

On the bright side, I am increasing my weights overall for each track and am noticing a difference. Today for squats I lifted 66 pounds!!! My heaviest ever. At least that's what I think I did since the weights are not in pounds. I did 2 large and 1 medium on each side. I almost thought I would not be able to get it back off my neck when I was done but I was able to squat with it. Yippee!!

I was told not to post this on FB so I am putting it here.......tonight we are watching the finale of the Biggest Loser and as the women were weighing in and not bringing huge numbers or looking real fit, Alexander says to me "Mom, you make those women look BAD!" That brought me to tears and I had to get up and hug him, which of course he complained about. I love my son!

Thanks to PH, IT, RVB, SG and AK for your responses to my blog last night. I haven't had time to email you all back but your support means the world to me and really did make me feel better about the whole situation. Love you all!

The Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy is such a wasted emotion. I have lived with it, been in it, surrounded by it, my entire life in some form or another. Whether I was the jealous one, or the recipient of jealous emotions, it has been a part of my life even as a child. My mother was jealous of my dad's band when he was playing and made him stop. I was jealous of the girls that liked Franklin in high school. And on it goes.

I never imagined, as I began this journey to losing weight and getting healthy, that jealousy would play into it. I mean, there is always some insecurity that comes into a relationship when one loses weight and gets fit, I guess. But I am talking about jealousy and envy from unlikely places - friends. There have been the snide comments, the sideways glances, the comments muttered under the breath. I would like to think that people are genuinely happy for the work I have put in to changing my life and my health. I think most people are. But there are some that no matter how happy they may say they are, the snide comments continue to get me and confuse me.

I know I don't walk around and strut and show off. I am not that kind of person. I am also not physically yet at the place that I want to ultimately be. I am having fun with my journey, and I am proud of how far I have come and that may come off as confident, but certainly I don't feel cocky. On the contrary, I am still quite embarrassed at times about it all.

We had dinner with a couple of couples recently and one wife continues to make comments about certain things that I won't go into, but needless to say, it feels so uncomfortable to be around her because I keep hearing comments about how I must spend so much time at the gym and Franklin spends so much time at the soccer field that we are headed for disaster. ???!!!! HUH? He is very supportive of me, and is always telling me how proud of me he is for how hard I have worked. I could not have done this without his love and support and to say to my face that something is going on because we are both so busy or that we should divorce because we don't spend so much time together really pisses me off.

No one knows what goes on in our lives (well, okay, since I FB all the time and blog, people really DO know what goes on in our lives but that's besides the point).  The reality is that the reality of losing weight is not well portrayed on popular shows like the Biggest Loser, etc. because while they show the hard work and some of what it is like when they return home, it is NOT all rainbows and butterflies. There are harsh realities people deal with, like the envy and jealousy of others. And the funny thing is, other people think that oh, you look great and you lost all this weight so your life is perfect but it's NOT. Yes, I feel great and think I look good, but there are negative consequences as well and it's NOT FAIR. It should be known that it is still a constant struggle, it's not easy to maintain and maybe I push my excitement about fitness off a little too much and that is something I have to learn how to curb but I AM excited about becoming a member of the fitness community and why SHOULD I have to be quiet?

Oh I am too tired right now to continue and it's stressed me out most of the day because I just am puzzled at the whole thing. Maybe another night to sleep on it will make it begin to make sense in my mind. Any comments or emails to me on the subject are appreciated cause I just don't get it. People, I like to believe, are genuinely good hearted. Why are all the green eyed ones coming at me??!!

A milestone

December 9, 1994. My baby is 16 years old today. I know it's a part of life, but it seems like just yesterday - okay, that's a lie - but it feels like not so long ago that I was freaking out about my life changing. I had been with Franklin since I was 15, and here I was, 26 and this BABY, whatever it was going to be, was going to change all that I knew, all that I had built. How dare it? No matter that it was planned, how dare it come in and change what was already so good? I know I freak out way more often than most people I know. Must be the emotional Pisces curse. And I clearly remember a particular freak out moment. Franklin was making a cassette tape (hahaha) for me to listen to on our monster sized boombox during labor and I just started bawling......because nothing would ever be the same. I was so afraid of change back then, I mean I still freak out with change but I  like to think I handle it a little bit better now! The scary thing was, at that moment, is I knew that I was POWERLESS to stop it. So many of the changes and growth I have experienced over the last 2 years, I could have stopped, I could have made the decision to take a different path. But this baby? What the hell was I thinking? And it was too late to stop it. I was doomed.

Well, not really. But it sure felt like it. I am happy to say that once that kid was cut out of my belly and his little fat face put up to mine, with his big nostrils flaring at me, as drugged up as I was, I was in love and I have never regretted one moment. Even through all the postpartum pain, the worry, the anxiety, the brother/sister type relationship we seem to have because we argue all the time, the frustration at his lack of common sense sometimes, I have never regretted having him.

I never freaked out about Cassie. Even with 11 years between them, I knew what to expect and at least my only worry was how would Alexander handle not being the only kid in town. No matter that he was the one begging us for years to give him a sibling. Then to try for 6 years and not be able to do it because of my thyroid issue, once I got pregnant with her, it was all good.

I am lucky. I am blessed. I am tired. So very tired. I am a mom. Yippee!!!!

Final Day of Body Pump and Reflections

Be forewarned. This is going to be a long one. I'm just saying.

The warm up track to Body Pump 76 features a song called the Climb. Now I have never heard it before but found out it is originally by Miley Cyrus. I am so not a fan of hers but I have to say the FIRST time I heard the song, the lyrics rang so true for me and I actually cried - again, me the emotional one. I can't believe how the lyrics perfectly describe my journey to better health. I have to write them here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know this
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it more
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose


Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Helloooo....my new theme song!!!!

There's more but it just repeats. I tell you, I played that song on the way home yesterday and could hardly see to drive, what with me bawling and the rain. It was a miracle I didn't get in an accident!!

Okay, Day 3. Here goes:

Got up early and my fabulous sister in-law, on a Sunday morning at 6:00 am, was up making me coffee and breakfast. I did some review, had her watch the DVD of my track while I did the movements just to make sure I was on the same tempo (was too early for me to feel like coaching and cueing but it was a huge help to just go through the motions and slow my tempo down a bit - she actually told me I was going to fast up on the 3/1 and that was one of the areas to improve on my first critique!!)  She made me a to go cup of coffee with a good luck message written on it and I was off. Got to the gym by 7:45am.

Everyone was dragging, sore and because of the CIM (marathon) in the area, one of the guys, Jonathan was more than 30 minutes late. Darcy thought it started at noon so she came almost an hour late. A bit more stressful for some to start out the day.

Our first presentation went well. I again was the only one teaching the back track so I moved in the middle of the room. I found that NO ONE else did this and with the volume of the music, it was too hard to hear them if you were on the other side of the room. Figured if I am gonna do this, I want everyone to hear me! Nailed the choreography with this one, added in more follow up cues and even some fitness magic and coaching.....all tips I got from my own fabulous instructors over the last couple of years. I did mess up a count or two midway but Margo was looking down and missed it, thank goodness.

Critique time showed that I was rising too fast on the 3/1 (just like Theresa told me in the morning!) and Margo told me to use heavier weights in order to perfect the form for the clean and press move. I was so sore that I went down just a bit but it was enough to affect the move.

We did more technique work, going through each song almost in its entirety but with Margo coaching and focusing on performing the moves perfectly. We did some team work, partner work, voice work, music critique, fitness magic, and then with just a short break, got ready to do final presentations and have a talk with the Regional manager for 24 hour Fitness.

My second presentation, I nailed the technique part but TOTALLY blew more than a few seconds of choreography right in the middle. I was so focused on the moves, the coaching that I completely BLANKED and thought I was gonna lose it. But I got back on track and finished strong.

Lisa from 24 came and told us about next steps. Since I am not an instructor, it will be different for me because I have to first audition with the Group X manager, to be hired and get to even teach anything. The launch for the new release is Jan 8 and I want to be a part of it. So I have to learn the other 8 tracks, somehow practice on my own or with someone but I can't practice on a class. Then I have 3 months, till March 5 to submit a perfect video of me teaching a full class. Cripes. The PRESSURE.

Then we finished 2 hours early (yay) and Margo talked one on one with each of us to give us our outcomes. Christelle (who also is not an instructor) walked by me and said she passed 5 out of 5 compulsories, which you need for a full pass. If you got 3-4 out of 5, you got a pass with held with means you have to show your manager you have mastered it, get it signed off and then Les Mills issues you a pass.

When I went to talk to Margo I was so nervous because I figured she would have nailed me for that screw up in the second presentation. She smiled and told me I got all 5 of the compulsories - Choreography, all three in Technique and Coaching. I was floored! She encouraged me to continue to increase my weights because it made a difference in technique and she told me I was a "strong cookie"!! I laughed at that one.  She also encouraged me to do that insane instructor challenge with other instructors once a month to keep building strength and endurance.

I went back and shared with the small group of us that were waiting our turn. Then a strange thing happened: all 6 of them, 5 instructors, came back with puzzled looks on their faces, saying they got pass with helds - only 4 out of 5.  I felt very uncomfortable being a non-instructor that passed in a group of experienced ones that did not. One even said to me "No offense but how did YOU pass when you 're not even an instructor and I didn't and I AM?" I stuttered and shrugged but said that I have been doing this program for a long time and had good role models. Sigh. Let's see if they keep in touch :-// So as far as I know, only two of us got the full pass out of 11 and neither of us are instructors, just Body Pump fanatics. The rest left and didn't share their results so who knows.

We took some pictures, then I hung back to chat with Margo and shared with her the reaction of the others to my passing the module. She said that it's not that they are held to higher standards because they are instructors, it's a check list and either you got it or you didn't. I did. I am still in a bit of shock.

I am feeling very fortunate to have had Margo as my Master Trainer for this module. She actually was in New Zealand a year ago for 2 weeks filming the previous release with the main Program Directors and Choreographers, was on that DVD as one of the presenters! Now I need to borrow it from someone to watch because I know her!! She's like a rock star in my eyes now!!

To many people who have never experienced a Les Mills format class, it is impossible to understand the draw, the magic, the intensity and the exhilarating feeling you get once it's over. Today at school my coworkers asked how the training went and I was stumped at how to respond. Janet really got it, because she reads my blog and understands my wacko brain. But the other teachers, one just look puzzled as I tried to explain to her WHY I would pay to put myself through that kind of pain, and the other, while interested and impressed, well, the whole experience is just hard to put into words. Just like I felt with the 1/2 marathon, and feeling like I was part of this new club that I had never been invited to before, now I feel a part of the tribe, a connection with my instructor friends in a new, really freaking cool way. I have such an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each and every one of them because it ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE now. It also opens my eyes completely to how little we, as participants really know and understand about these people that stand in front of us on a weekly basis and inspire and instruct us. There is a butt load of work and time and dedication that goes into each class, the preparation is astounding just to learn a couple of tracks! How they teach more than one class format is beyond me.

I feel a part of something way bigger than me. Les Mills classes are in 80 countries world wide. 80 COUNTRIES. Over 70,000 instructors teach these classes. Over 3 million people a week take Body Pump classes worldwide. I feel a connection with my instructors and mentors that wasn't there before, at least it's now different because I understand a little of where they come from.

So what's to freak out about? Of course I will always find something to freak out about or I wouldn't be me. Now I can freak about when will I find time to practice, where, with who, how much, how long, will I get an audition, will I pass it, will I get hired, will I get to just team teach or will I get my own class, will my friends come to my class, will I will I will I..................

One day at a time. Breathe. Sigh.

I PASSED!!!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!

Day 2 Body Pump Training

Again, it's 12:35 and I am not asleep. I am fading fast but trying to nail this back track for tomorrow. I am excited because I have always loved the back tracks and with the great coaching I have had over time, I am confident of my positioning and execution so it's just a matter of the learning the choreography (which I actually have down now) but I am struggling over the cues. It shouldn't be that hard since I know the cues, but for some reason I am not feeling as confident.

Today started off with an odd caterpiller warm up. I am not even going to go into it. Needless to say, my team lost and we had to do 10 push ups on the toes. I did it.

Presenting came first - I was a bit nervous but after practicing last night, using Ron, Mathew and Theresa with broomsticks this morning, and doing the moves in the car, I knew the chorey and felt good. We were not using microphones so I knew I would have to project my voice. Since I was the only one presenting the chest track I made the decision to move to the front of the room rather than on the side with my group so that I could reach the whole class. I went heavier on my weight selection and projected - it is definitely helpful when the class is cheering you on and is supportive. I am really enjoying the people I am meeting.

At the end, I knew I nailed the choreography, thought I did a bit more than just initial cueing and felt pretty good about form. Margo then did video feedback and confirmed I hit the chorey 100% and had just two adjustments on my form - on the chest press, I would hit the middle of the chest which is good but on the way back up needed to arc back an inch so my bar was over my shoulders. On the bottom halves, my elbows came down just a bit lower than the bench top.

The hardest part of the day was definitely the Body Pump Instructor Challenge. I paired up with Jennifer, who was amazing and supportive and a great coach, as I hope I was to her. I will not go into detail here; suffice it to say it involved lifting weights heavier than normal and while physically challenging to say the least, I completed it and while we were stretching at the end, I burst into tears. The realization of what I had just accomplished over  the last 45 minutes or so, coming from where I began 2 years ago, hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I am so amazed at what I am able to do now, how strong I have become, how passionate I am, how I can push myself (with help of course) farther than I ever dreamed possible, ASTOUNDS me. I went up to Margo afterward, people had left for lunch and she asked me if I hurt myself because I was crying! I explained to her my emotional sappy self, and she was so encouraging and supportive; telling me how powerful it is to be able to come from a place where I can use my journey to inspire and motivate others.

I left and since I had a sandwich with me, knew I needed to go get my comfort drug of choice - Starbucks. Cried the entire way there, wore my sunglasses inside and cried all the way back. What an emotional sap I am!!

After some more training and teaching, we got ready for the second presentation. At this point, my body was stiffening up something fierce, my arms literally were quivering for about an hour after that challenge. Legs were not shaky, just sore. Since I am not as strong in my upper body, I felt it there the most.

Second presentation went well for all of us - each of us took the critique from earlier and made the proper adjustments. What was interesting is that every one of us made at least a small error in the choreography, including me, and I think it was fatigue setting in and the focus on what we needed to correct from before. Margo didn't mention it, though, in the feedback so I guess she understood that we were getting tired.

We finished an hour early and I went back to my brother's house and Theresa was so shocked to see me walk in with energy as I told her about my day. Of course I had to cry and I relayed how emotional I was and so we both cried as she told me how proud of me she was.

Off to a hot bath and shower, listening to my music and choreography, sat and watched the DVD and tried to script out my cues. Because this track has so many different movements, it's harder than the chest track that I did today. But I know the back track well and have the chorey down. I just want to be able to coach correctly.

I am definitely fading fast now and I think I will just get in bed, put my notes under my pillow again (I swear it worked by osmosis last night!) and get up at 6am for a last bit of practice. I didn't get the chance to practice on live people tonight - Theresa has fed me well and had a great dinner tonight, but I needed more time in the bedroom on my own practicing. I think in the morning I will be able to speak my cues out loud and be fresher than I am now. Feeling pretty stale........

Day 1 of Body Pump

I should SO be asleep right now. I'm exhausted but can't seem to stop playing the track I have to present tomorrow. My saving grace is I don't have to present till 12:00. I was assigned track 3 which is chest. Not my strongest track but I'm actually thankful I got it as it gives me the opportunity to perfect my form and get stronger. So I believe I have the chorey down 100% which is the number one priority. Margo says if we say nothing else, as long as we have those cues down we are good and this song really lends itself well to this track.

My issue seems to be the other cues - the initial, which I have,but the ongoing ones... It is so amazing to realize how much hard work it is to teach a class. So much to remember! In the morning I will practice out loud the cueing, and if I have to make my brother and sister in law get on the floor to do it with me I will. It's just more embarrassing with family!

Met a bunch of nice people today. Class size is 12 and it feels just right. Doris, who teaches the TKB class at the gym is here so we connected. Her class was actually the only where I mentioned to others that she had good enough form to be an LM instructor and here she is! I've only talked to and partnered up with a few people but expect to do it with more tomorrow.


Even though I brought a ton of snacks I was so hungry by 8:00 tonight because our breaks were all 10-20 minutes and there was not enough tine to leave and get something. I drove Britanny and Eric to look for a Subway but we couldn't find it and freaked out about getting back late because if we walk in even one minute late we have to do 10 push ups! no way.

Okay. Gotta sleep. Music playing all night and chorey notes under my pillow, literally!!!

I'm Ready

As I'll ever be. I'm packed - gym bag with extra clothes, snacks and extra shoes. Another bag with more snacks and a small lunchbag cooler ready to throw some perishables in tomorrow. My overnight bag with toiletries and more workout clothes. One, count them, one set of regular clothes since I doubt I'll even wear them. Lunches made, dishwasher going and I'm beat. With the amount of crap by the front door you'd think I was going away for awhile. Always been an overpacker. Oh, got the laptop also.

The plan is to drop Cassie at mom's in the morning so she can be taken to school and then a stop at some random coffee shop (hahaha) and hit the road by 8:00am. Check in is at 11:00 and the module begins at 12:00 so I should have plenty of time.

Mentally, I'm not freaking out anymore. I'm nervous but excited now. It is what it is, and I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I guess I need to trust everyone that keeps telling me that I can do this. Especially the ones who have gone through the training. I'm not opposed to hard work and I know that's what this weekend will be. Bring it on.

It brings tears to my eyes to realize that in March 2008 I was a 230 pound woman who was dragged to a Body Pump class, taught by the one and only Alex Kattar. The next day I couldn't move but I went back... again and again and now, 2-1/2 years and almost 70 pounds less later, I'm about to walk into a training to become an instructor myself for a class that changed my body and my life.

So freaking awesome.

Coming Back Down to Earth....Slowly

I am finally registered, paid and committed to the Body Pump training. And it's happening in 16 days. Oh God. I hope I will be ready. 

I wanted to wrap myself in bubble wrap to prevent anything from happening. Lo and behold, I had to go have a massage on Sunday for upper back pain and it didn't really help much. Skipped kickboxing and Body Pump last night which killed me, because the only way I am going to get ready for this 3 day training is to do more BP!!! But I just couldn't. I am icing, heating, stretching, rolling......must be tension. I don't feel overly stressed, really, just dealing with the normal crap right now of conferences and sitting on my ass all day. But there was the stress the last couple of weeks with testing, putting the report cards in the computer, getting ready for conferences....guess it's all caught up with me.

Went yesterday and spent a small wad on new workout clothes since I pretty much wear the same couple of things and wash a lot. Now I have 2 more pants and 6 new tops to add, since I will be changing a lot that weekend. It's funny how much fun I am having buying work out clothes. This is more fun than regular clothes.

Today really sucked. Started with a phone call from Alexander asking for Franklin's DL # (yes I am weird because I have my #'s and his all memorized, from CDL to SS#'s), then a call back from Franklin saying he was pulled over because Alexander was wearing his seat belt under his arm and CHP scolded him and then gave Franklin a ticket for forgetting his wallet and not carrying his DL and proof of insurance! We are making Alex pay for that one. I wish he HAD gotten a ticket so he could pay it and learn his lesson. We have been telling him for years to wear the damn thing the right way, and he cannot use the excuse that it cuts into his neck because he is taller than me and it doesn't do it to me! Ugh.

Then I had 3 different kids at 3 different times fall and bump their heads and go to the office, another one with a bad bloody nose, another who ran into a pole and had a big bloody head wound, my as-yet-undiagnosed developmentally delayed girl crying and making noises under the tables/crawling around and leaving the room, 8 parent conferences, 2 no shows, and then as I was dismissing my 29 students, found that one was missing and while the dad was all cool I was beginning to panic because she was with us in the classroom but I had told her not to leave because I needed to ask her dad what her new baby sister's name was and she took me so literally that she sat in the classroom instead of walking out to the gate with me! I guess it's no wonder my back is wracked up with tension :-/

Alex had a soccer game at 7:30 and I got Cassie home, fed and was sitting on a heating pad, not wanting to get out again in the cold but bundled her up and got to the game about 8pm. Talked to some parents, then Cassie wanted to run around so I chased her around the field and I'll be damned, running in the cold felt SO GOOD!!!I think it released some of my tension. Did that several times, back and forth, saying hi to Daddy on the coach's side, back to the other, and while it was not a workout by any means, the physical activity was just what I needed. So I will go to BP tomorrow night.....and if I still am tight in my back I will skip the back track or go real light. If my back is too bad, then I will definitely get some cardio in.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that my newfound craving for chocolate, coupled with not getting enough BP  in isn't going to screw me for training..........no, change that -

I WILL BE READY, I WILL PASS THIS TRAINING AND I WILL BE STRONGER FOR IT..........I am truly excited....can't wait! Off to stretch, roll and fall into bed.....and begin another day tomorrow.

I Need a Paper Bag

I have never had an episode of hyperventilating. Until tonight. Well, it wasn't so bad that I really needed the paper bag, but I swear I don't think I have ever felt like that before.

I had just spent some time at Jen's house catching up on our respective first 1/2 marathons (San Jose for me and Nike Women's for her) and Cassie and Jordan were playing. I had to leave to get my van from the dealership and Cassie wanted to stay so I left her and began to drive to the dealer. At a stop light, I checked my phone for email (I know, I know but I was NOT moving) and saw I had a new email. I clicked on it, saw that it was from Les Mills West Coast, saw the first line that said "You have been approved in the system and can now register...." and literally I threw the phone on the passenger seat and clutched my chest. I am not exaggerating. My heart started pounding, my eyes teared up, and I thought I was going to puke. I kept driving and all I could think was "Oh my god, oh my god, now what am I gonna do".

I think I panicked because deep down, I knew that no way would Les Mills REALLY approve me to take the training because I am a nobody, just a participant and not a fitness professional. Why in the world would they let ME ME ME ME ME take this training? And now, seeing that they actually WILL allow me to do this? Cripes.

I arrived at the dealership and immediately posted on FB but after one response, couldn't even get back on for awhile because it freaked me out. Of course, right away Pam and Kimi were onto me and knew exactly what caused me to freak.

I got back to Jen's house and told her, and promptly, as I covered my face telling her, couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I can't believe I cried over this. I must be seriously screwed up. Jen was so great (thank you for letting me cry in your cupcakes!! - and yes, I ate a mini one, HAD to) and said all the right things, and promised she would be in my class for taping (maybe I'll get her to leave Crunch....hahaha)

I know I can do this, but I am just enough of a  Drama Queen to have to freak out for a respectable amount of time first. I know I did before running, had to be talked off the ledge, and I know I can do this.....I think. Now I just want to wrap my body in bubble wrap so that nothing gets strained or sprained before this training.

WHICH IS IN THREE WEEKS. Oh my god, here I go again. This training, if I want to do it this soon, is the first weekend of December. If I could just see the training calendar for January or February, I would push it out a bit and get more fit and ready. As it stands, now I feel like I want to lose 10 pounds before I go, which I could do if I cut back on carbs again. Or do I just chance it that I am actually ready for this? So many unknowns..........I hate unknowns.

Okay, another freak-a-zoid moment..........went and dug out a journal I keep by my bed, one I wrote a few goals in privately from this online journal.

In April 2010 I wrote a goal of being able to run and have better endurance. Check.

In June 2010, before Combat and Pump went away, I wrote that I wanted to be more fit, work in the world of fitness, maybe as a group fitness instructor.....maybe teaching Les Mills, helping people reach their fitness goals. I don't even remember WRITING that!!! I have said it before, I so believe in the power of writing, and here, again, something that I wrote a long time ago is coming to fruition.

Several people have sent me comments from my blog, telling me that maybe someday I will teach the programs that I was so distraught to lose back at the beginning of the summer. Wow.

Another thing, other than actually committing to do this, was to make sure it was okay with Franklin. I don't mean that I needed his permission, he is actually the one to bring it up to me awhile back, teaching BP. I wanted to make sure, #1, there was no soccer going on that weekend :-), #2 that he was going to be supportive (I know he would be but it's just been talk so far, and reality is a bit different) and #3, well, after 28 years together, this is a BIG decision that will affect our entire family so I needed to have him on board. If he was not at this time, then I would put off for awhile because to me, that would be a sign that it was not the right time.

So no, no soccer going on, it is the weekend between his birthday and Alexander's birthday, and he had said before that I should do it on a weekend when he can come up with the kids. Now this concerns me because from what I understand, my evenings are going to be full of me learning choreography for a track that I will have to learn overnight and teach the next day, so I will not have time to socialize or deal with a 5 year old girl that will be wanting to be with Mommy after not seeing her all day. So I had to make sure he would be supportive in that way and understand that I will not be able to give them "attention".

I asked him what he thought, if he would be supportive, and when he said of course he supports me, I burst into tears AGAIN. Fricken Pisces. So damned emotional. He said he wants me to rent a car to drive up and leave up there so he can drive me home on Sunday. He said he would come up with the kids after school on Friday or come on Saturday and he would take them to the movies or something in the evening so I could work. Then Alexander sees me crying, asks me what was wrong, then right away says "Oh you're freaked out about the training, huh?" (wow he is perceptive) and then Cassie comes over, tells me it's going to be okay, then has me bend down so she can wipe my tears with her pink sleeve. Aaawwwww. They are the best.

I actually skipped Boot Camp tonight. I was worried about my knee, even though it is better, it feels tight and I just didn't want to aggravate it. Again, I  need bubble wrap.  In hindsight, I probably should have gone as I needed to work off this anxiety, but I am now paranoid about my knee getting better before the training. So instead I came home, vacuumed and did some purging of papers.

I went on to the LM site to register; got to the payment screen after reading all the fine print in the Terms and Conditions, then backed out. I will do it, by Monday, just have to figure out where the money will come from and to make sure I don't cut us short. But I will do it.

Plus I have to call my brother in Roseville and ask if I can stay with them. If not , I have to look for a hotel and I hope I don't have to have that added expense. I wonder if I will have time to eat dinner? So maybe we can all go out for birthday dinner for my boys that weekend.

I'm a little better. Still freaked. Still unsure, even with Franklin leaving for a football game tonight and telling me in my ear "You KNOW you can do this; you got this", I still feel sick to my stomach. Hope this goes away soon.

Can't even do BP and kickboxing tomorrow because Cassie has a birthday party to go to at PAC at 10am, but I am going to get up at 7am and go to the 8am yoga class.....calm my mind down, help work out the kinks in my body. Will also have to schedule a massage for next week.

Next week, conferences, UGH. How in the world will I keep my  mind on teaching and work with THIS looming in 3 weeks????!!!

Day 12...Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. This came up tonight in conversation with my friend Pam on the way back from a really good Body Pump class with Amy at PAC. I was thinking of this as I showered because for some reason that hit home with me.......I look at myself in the mirror during class and think "Wow, I look pretty good, I feel and look strong" but then when I am showering, I look down at myself and see the same fat woman from almost 70 pounds ago. I still look flabby, still look heavy. Why is that?  Thank goodness when I am wearing clothes, I don't feel that way. I do feel the difference then.

I know how much progress I have made and the fact that I am making decisions that are moving me closer to teaching a class I am passionate about. I know that I love to exercise and push myself physically, and I am in constant awe of what my 42 year old body allows me to do. So why is my head playing games with me? Is this a bad sign that someday I might revert back to the old me? That fear lives in me because I should, at this point, be able to look at myself and see a whole new person. And I do, most of the time. If I am still seeing the old heavy one, does that mean that I really haven't figured it all out in my head and there's a chance I will fail? I know I really have figured out the physical part of being healthy, and I still struggle with the food (which is probably why I haven't lost much, even with the running) but I wonder if I will ever see myself as thin?

Went to Pacific Athletic Club tonight as Amy's guest for BP and when she saw me she commented on how skinny I was. I am trying to accept compliments graciously but I still choked on my reply because I am NOT SKINNY. Yes, I am skinnier than before, and I haven't seen her since July or so, and I do look leaner, but I have a hard time just saying "thanks" when people compliment me. Always have had problems with that. My butt is still big, maybe it always will be. My thighs are still big and jiggly. And it feels so false to me, skinny. I don't aspire to be skinny, I aspire to be FIT. HEALTHY. STRONG. I am not there yet. My journey is not over.

Now that I have committed to taking steps to take the Body Pump training, the self doubts arise. I feel like I am not fit enough, or strong enough, or cannot keep up. I looked at myself sideways tonight during the lunge track and was a bit surprised to see my back knee lunging down the way it's supposed to, especially since my knees have been bothering me for several days. I remember vividly how I never used to be able to complete a lunge track, let alone do it correctly.  So I know I have come far. But as a participant, I can take a breather, or skip one repetition to rest. As an instructor, I will not be able to do that. Plus I will have to INSTRUCT. I will have to speak and do at the same time. That freaks me out. I'm a grunt-er, a whiner during these exercises. I did 3 pushups on my toes tonight - haven't been able to do that since before I started training for the marathon, and my upper body strength has suffered. So that is progress, and when I looked over and saw that after the first few, Amy also went on her knees, I felt better. I used to not be able to do more than a couple of pushups on my knees. I couldn't do a plank at all, nor tricep work or dips. So I know I have improved because for the most part, I can do all of these. I just need to keep training.

Amy, Pam and I talked for a long time after class tonight and Amy shared specifics about her experience in the BP training, since she just did it this past February. I still don't feel like I am fit enough but the more I talk to these wonderful instructors who have become my friends and offered their support, the more I feel like yes, I can do this. I am not at the end of my journey, and this training will help me get more fit, strong and confident. Amy also said that in her initial training, there were many people who have never taught fitness at all, so I shouldn't feel like I am the only one going in as a fitness virgin. I also look forward to the physical challenge of doing something that just 2 years ago, oh hell, just a year or six months ago, I never ever envisioned doing. I just want to succeed.

I just yesterday, after 10 days of looking at the calendar in my kitchen, actually read the quote: 

 "To succeed.....you need something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you."

That something, right now, is Les Mills, Body Pump training......and all the thrills that will follow...........but in the great big scheme of things, it is really living a longer, healthier, fit life.

Day 10.....sigh

I suppose I shouldn't try to push my 42-1/2 year old body as much as I have these last 10 days. I just figured that with the addition of this two week boot camp, I was crazy to work out every single day, but then it didn't sound so crazy and more of a challenge.  I did feel a ton better today and was really looking forward to kickboxing and Body Pump. I feel like I need to take as many BP classes now so that I can really begin to wrap my head around trying to do it myself......Donna suggested I take notes of what works, what doesn't (and there is so much of that lately) and cueing, etc. so that I can get a jump start on my training before it begins.

It's not like my knees hurt tonight; but this Steven character (and he really IS a character) is so damn frenetic in his kickboxing moves that I really had to pay attention to how I was moving so that I didn't hurt myself. Reminded me of Zumba, not that it was loosey-goosey, but that it was so fast and furious, not more controlled like Combat. It really does set one up for injury if the moves are not more deliberate and controlled, I think. At least that is how my body was feeling tonight.

For Body Pump I went a bit lighter in my weights and ended up taking an option for  lunges, holding the bar vertically which I never do. I could lunge, but the squats were bothering me from kickboxing so I didn't go real heavy on the bar. I ended up still way exceeding my calorie burn today but still felt like I could have done better since I did rest yesterday. Boot camp worries me a bit tomorrow, especially if it is as rigorous as last Wednesday with the timed workouts. I will take options if I need to; I am too excited about taking Amy's BP class at PAC on Thursday, along with Pam, and I don't want to miss it. I WON'T miss it, even if I have to option out some of the tracks. Amy is going to give me some pointers about training as well on Thursday.

I really do feel fortunate to know people that I feel are the best in the LM business. I am also so thankful to call them my friends, and to love and be loved by them. I know I keep saying this, but almost daily I get an email from one of them that is so encouraging and supportive that I really do feel lucky. I was talking to Rosa today after class (the 24 hr instructor) and she asked if I had applied yet because they are so desperate for instructors. I told her that I applied last week, I emailed Angie and still have not heard anything. I also said that I know instructors who have tried to get in and they aren't being called back - if they are so damn desperate, why aren't they calling certified, experienced instructors?

She told me that LM has an agreement with 24 hour, that they will allow people to go through the training and teach even before they are officially certified. That really doesn't make sense to me, as why do that when there are people out there wanting to teach? I told her that I am not looking to teach a bunch of classes; I would be happy to sub, or have 1 class a week or something. I am just passionate about LM and Body Pump and want to help people like my friends have helped me. She told me that I would get to sub a lot. Well, she ended up taking my email and number and she is going to pass it along to the Group X Mgr and tell her I already applied, so that I can sign up for a training. We'll see. It was just a very interesting conversation.

Her timing and cueing were so off again tonight. She would say 2 and 2 when it was really 3 and 1 and then back track; I kept looking at Kristen because we were so screwed up! Then Jeniffer and I were commenting after how we always feel short changed after her classes. It is driving me crazy! She cut out the cool down and told us to do it on our own. Arrrrggggghh!

What will be, will be. Whatever.

Day 9 - BUST

Well, I couldn't do it. My damn knee decided to act its age and got cranky on me all day, so much that I was limping. Felt just like during a run awhile back when it was overused, so I am not worried, just bummed to miss boot camp because I know I would be running and doing things to my knee that would piss it off. So I reluctantly skipped working out.  I will do some pushups and abs before bed, though so the day won't be a total loss. Of course, around 7pm, the pain went away and now it feels fine. Figures.

Made a recipe tonight from Active.com for a healthy Mexican lasagna....now I am not a good cook and even though I enjoy cooking, I have ZERO creativity and have certain standard dishes I will cook. So I decided to branch out and make something new since I couldn't get to work out.

My beautiful baby boy (well, almost 16 but he is still my baby, and I can only write this here because he doesn't read my blog like he does FB!!) came in the kitchen and asked if he could help, then proceeded to tear tortillas, spread beans, mix chicken and cottage cheese, etc. all the while we chatted about his soccer practice at the high school today, how he is probably going to make captain for the Varsity team even though he is a sophomore (they wanted him for Varsity last season but we wouldn't let him, wanted him to finish strong on JV plus those dudes on Varsity were BIG and aggressive last year - why chance injury when he was just a freshman and had 3 more years to play?) He actually got put on the Varsity roster during the playoffs but got no playing time (which is another reason not to have him play before he is ready because why warm the damn bench when he would play a full game on JV?)

So he is telling me about running 2 miles in 13 minutes, which is slower than usual for him, maybe being captain, his stupid Spanish II teacher, and the cheerleaders watching practice as he took off his shirt during the run.....I just smile because it is SO high school and my boy feels comfortable enough to tell me these things. I am very fortunate.

He just walked past me and rubbed my shoulder affectionately as he passed - what is going on? He has also given me a few hugs tonight. My son is changing, and I am loving it. He does want to learn to drive, mostly so he can have a place to put his soccer gear during the day and not carry it around! He knows I will not do the research for him; if he wants to get his permit he needs to figure out what he needs to do and then we will do it. Sigh. I will have to get over the fear of him driving real soon.

I know this has nothing to do with my fitness journey.....but this is my journal and I can write what I want ;-)

On that note, Kimi has been giving me more practical advice and I am excited to go do Body Flow with her Thanksgiving week when I am off, then we are going to have lunch. Can't wait!!

Well, one kid is passed out on the sofa and the other is nodding off....this is the ONLY part of this time change that I like.....going to bed earlier. Otherwise the rest sucks. Want my warm weather BACK!!

Day 8 of 14

Never left the house today :-(

Which is not necessarily a bad thing with all the rain, but I bailed on my run this morning because I was up until 3:00 am (or 2:00, or 4:00, hell I lost track) working on report cards. I kept getting distracted even though everyone was asleep, and my eyes were burning.....then I couldn't sleep.

This morning I had to get the guys up for soccer, but Cassie beat me to it and by 8:00 am, we were both up and it sucked - I so wanted to sleep in. Once I got started on my report cards, by 10am, I kept getting distracted by Cassie, the TV, Facebook, music.......it literally took me until the guys came home at 3pm, brought me Starbucks and took her away so I could finish! This took forever because I had no attention span at all.

Once they came home finally, it was 5pm, dark, and I didn't feel like getting out to the gym, which was my original plan so I ended up working out at home, which I never do because a certain little girl gets in my way. But I was able to do 100+ jumping jacks, some kicking and punching,  kettle bell work, push ups, abs and lunges. So not all was lost and I didn't miss a day. My knee is bothering me now, though, so I've iced twice and am taking Advil before bed. Back to boot camp tomorrow.

Had a nice conversation back and forth with Kimi tonight regarding LM, got some sound, practical advice and encouragement and am feeling probably more freaked out than ever, with all the information I am getting, which is my own fault because I'm asking for it. I don't like going into things blindly, for the most part, and this is so new to me that I need to get as much information from the experts in the biz.....I suppose it will all work out if it is meant to be. I am so fortunate to have friends that are in fitness and who are willing to support me and give me advice. Not everyone is this lucky, I know.

Still have not heard back from 24 hour and I have no idea how long that takes, so I may miss the December BP training in Modesto and have to do something later on. I suppose there is no rush, I just hope that early in 2011 there will be something local enough. There were two the remainder of this year, Roseville and Modesto, both locations where I have family I could stay with. Oh well, I hope future ones are close because with the cost of training, I don't want to have to deal with travel costs and hotel if I don't have to.

I also have to look into ACE or AFAA certification as well, as some friends have told me, and Kimi also strongly recommended it tonight. When the hell will I find time to study? Sigh.

Going to try to go up and Flow with Kimi during Thanksgiving week since I am off of school.....love that program and I wish it would come to my gym. I so need that in my life right now.

Off to bed. So tired............

Day 7 of 14

Well, at least today was somewhat active so I can count it instead of it being a day of "rest".

Went to San Jose - man is that city HUGE - we were in South San Jose at Evergreen Valley College. I had Cassie take her scooter out of the van and at Pam's suggestion last night, I dressed in my running clothes and since Cassie hates to sit and watch her brother's games, we took the time (about 1-1/2 hours) playing. Chased her while she rode her scooter, jogged around the field, then played "Coach" - her game - while she found a ramp to ride up and down, she instructed me to yell at her and push her along - "Hustle, hustle!!" and "Let's GO!!", as she put it, in a mean voice! She cracks me up but didn't let me sit and be idle. We did this for so long but at least I was in view of the game and could watch and cheer at the same time. Lost at the last minute on a ball that hit the goal, hit the ground and bounced in. Oh well.

Then we were invited to a barbeque in Newark for a fellow soccer team, and while I was not really feeling like it, we went along and I am glad I did. Not only was there good food, but since Cassie loves the playground, I discovered I am not really the "sit on the bench and watch her play kind of mom" anymore. I climbed the ladders, slid down the slides, swung on the swings, and played Follow the  Leader (she was the leader and I followed, jumping, skipping, running, twirling). Franklin said in awe that I never would have done that before, as he watched me climb up the ladder! :-)

So while I may not have spent time in the gym for two hours today, I got my exercise and best of all, had quality girl time with my baby. So I am counting this as Day 7 of 14. And I got to watch my son kick ass on the soccer field, loss or not.

Tomorrow I have to skip my run because the guys have another game in the East Bay and need the van. I am going to try to sleep in for once, then get up and finish working on my report cards that are taking so much longer to input in the computer, now with 30 instead of 20. Gotta finish them since they are due. I already feel brain dead and it's only early November. Not looking good for the rest of the year at this rate! I am committed to going to the gym in the afternoon, though, for some cardio for Day 8.

I also was messaging back and forth with another Les Mills instructor friend, Donna, today (I only know her through FB through Alex and Kimi) but she was hugely supportive of my decision to go for it and gave me tons of practical tips and advice. She mentioned that if 24hr Fitness doesn't work out, to check with Palo Alto YMCA as they love new instructors and that may be an option to get sponsored.

I am so fortunate for all the people I have met (Donna, Kimi, Alex, Amy) who are so willing to give me support and advice on another leg of my journey, as well as old friends who are so encouraging.  I am also thankful to Pam for her constant encouragement, advice and cheerleading through all this. This group of fitness minded people are AWESOME.

How did I get so lucky??

*Sigh*. Back to report cards now.

Now I've Done It

Yikes. Just submitted my application to 24 hour fitness. I have to be "hired" in order to sign up for the Body Pump Initial Training. I'm shaking right now.

Why in the world would they hire me? I'm a nothing in the fitness department, I've no experience other than as a participant. I have no training, I teach 5 year olds. Not critical adults.

Ugh. I've been accused lately, several times in fact, of being a drama queen.

Yep. That's me.

Sigh, Change of Plans for Day 7 of 14

Day 6. Sigh.....change of plans. My quest to go 14 days working out have hit a roadblock. I just found out that tomorrow Alexander has a game, the biggest of the season against Pac Tigres, in San Jose. At 10:30. Have to leave at 8:30. So this means that I got the "look" and the guilt trip because I had planned to go to Body Pump at 9am and to kickboxing with my FAVORITE instructor there at 10am. Now I have to miss it.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to watch my son play. He is a force to be reckoned with on the field, and now that he is healed from his groin injury, he is on fire. So it's not that I wanted to miss the game. It's that I plan my workouts for the week and when I am not told of important soccer games till the last minute, it really irritates me.

Oh well, I will get over it. I will try to get to the gym in the afternoon and do some boring elliptical work or something so at least I can say I worked out and didn't take a rest day. I would take one if I needed , and I said I would, but other than being really sore in my shoulders from all the damn pushups and I hate mountain climbers, I feel good.

Duty calls. I will adjust around it. Life goes on.

Day 5 of 14

Considering this is day 5 for me with no rest day, I'm feeling pretty good. My knees were feeling tweaky all day so I went to Body Pump and went lighter on weights for squats and lunges. Icing right now so I think I'll be fine.

Today was a particularly rough day at work, with all 30 kids, music class where all the kids played an instrument - maracas, rattles, tambourines and bells. I seriously needed Advil afterward because the noise was deafening! They also, as a whole, just can't handle being all together ALL day. Plus I was still testing, scheduling the conference with parents, planning, teaching after school to a group of clowns..... I'm beat.

In class tonight I spoke to my "favorite" instructor, who looked excited when I told her I was thinking of going for my BP certification and she said they need instructors so what I had to do was apply online for a job, then I could go for the initial training. She said once that happened she would hook me up with the Group X manager. So she may not be as useless as I thought. She was a bit better tonight (only in terms of timing, got through all the tracks but cut out the cool down all together (and it was one of my favorites from an older release!) she still was unintelligible most of the time and it was hard to follow but since I'm familiar with the release, I can follow along with out too much difficulty.

I figure if it's meant to be, things will fall into place. I suspended the online application because I needed professional references and I don't know if that is fitness wise or just regular references. And do they really contact people? Is this merely a formality because I have NO fitness experience so why in the hell would they "hire" me? Would they really hire just so I can take the initial training? Rosa also said no when I asked about other certification like ACE or AFAA. Seems odd they wouldn't want other certification. So who knows?

Tomorrow another Boot Camp.....this time with weights and resistance bands. Lovely.

Pooped. Off to bed........dreaming of BP..............

BOOT CAMP BUTT KICKING!!!!

This is Day 4 of 14 days of continuous planned workouts. After this workout tonight, who know if I will have to call in my rest day tomorrow.

Whew. I kicked BUTT tonight. Or rather, the boot camp session tonight kicked my butt.

Wednesdays are apparently the tough days, with timed circuits and lots of cardio. The group was small tonight, just 5 of us, so it feels like personal training, which is awesome. We started out with warm ups for about 15 minutes, running in place, jumping jacks, squats, easy (ha!) mountain climbers, push ups, etc. etc. We finished the warm up with a run (this is around the block, out the back alley and all the way around the plaza, probably a football field lap) then Jose explained the timed circuit (all to be done as fast as possible):

*25 jumping jacks
*25 push ups (feet or knees)
*25 mountain climbers (each leg, total 50)
*25 squat jumps
*25 box steps (stepping full foot up onto a stacked set of mats, each leg, total 50)
*25 shoulder taps (in a plank on your feet, tapping alternate shoulders, each shoulder, total 50)
*25 side steps (over a line on the mat, jumping side to side, each side, total 50)
*Run a lap

THEN DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!!! I thought I was going to die. And to do this all as fast as you can.

Well there is one man who comes who is a regular boot camp attendee, and he has harder options like using a medicine ball or longer holds on the planks, etc. The rest of us are teachers, two women about my age, and older woman in her 60's.

I of course knew that Carlos would blow past us all, and I knew I wouldn't come in last, but I wasn't really caring what my time was. Until I began. Then the competitiveness kicked in!

I went through the circuit, then took the lap. Felt like I wanted to collapse when I returned, only to have to start with jumping jacks all over again.  This felt like by far the hardest workout I have had yet. I had to do the pushups on my knees, but I did all of them, both times. The second circuit I had to do the mountain climber option which was on my back, bicycling, but I did them all.

On the last lap, which was really hard, I realized I was coming in second, not that it was a race, but as I came in the back door, Jose told me my time was 12:23. It felt like 20 minutes!! All in all, I think a pretty good time considering the first place guy, Carlos, had a time of 10:50!!

I figured we were DONE. Not so! We took a 2 minute break and then moved right into ladder runs (forward, side to side) and then low hurdles (front, side to side), all timed.

Then ab work with medicine balls ( I was given a 5 lb) and then ab work on the floor.

Kicked my butt. I was dripping sweat like crazy. Had to ice my knees when I got home, but I did it!

Looking forward to only 1 class tomorrow, Body Pump. To which I am approaching this workout with a new focus, a new determination. I am 95% sure that I am going to go for getting my BP certification with LM (freaking out all day and last night, though) and am researching fitness certification through AFAA or ACE.I have sent an email to the Group fitness manager at 24 Hr Fitness to see if they will sponsor me for the training. Haven't heard back yet. Will have to accost her in person tomorrow.


OMG. What in the world am I doing??!!

Boot Camp!!

Just not able to turn down a challenge. So now, I've signed up for a 14 day program for teachers that really is simply a Boot Camp program coupled with a nutritional plan designed by a group of former athletes from Stanford that began Performance Science Training Institute. This is an introductory program that has you working out 3 days a week and following a nutritional plan. I have been in contact with the president, who is a former Stanford Cardinal football player and voiced concerns over the 1300 a day calorie plan given to me, since I am working out regularly and need more calories than that so he gave me one that is 1700 calories instead. They are young, athletic, educated people that are fitness and health minded and I figured, what the hell? I'm not planning on continuing their boot camp because it's $150 a month and I am already at 24 hour Fitness but for 2 weeks, I am going to push myself and see what happens. Here's what their website says about the Adult Boot Camp training:

"Cardio Resistance Core (CRC) System. Our CRC System combines the best aspects of multiple fields of training. Cardiovascular exercise is the best way to burn calories while strengthening your heart and lungs. Resistance training with body weight, dumbbells, and bands tones muscle and builds bone mass. Core training strengthens the abdominals and lower back, improving posture and increasing balance and stability. Our CRC system allows us to create dynamic workouts to help you break through your fitness boundaries!"

That's what I need - to break through my fitness boundaries! They offer teen programs and sports agility clinics so maybe this is even something we could look into for Alexander and additional training.

I was thinking as I was driving home that by committing to this, I will be working out 7 days a week :-/ Since I run Sunday, Boot Camp Mon-Wed-Fri, Kick boxing and Body Pump Tues-Thurs-Sat...........crap! I have done 6 classes in 3 days before when Body Pump and Body Combat were on their way out and I was going to as many classes as I could, but this seems extreme even for me. So I will do this: listen to my body, take a rest day if I need it on Thursday, and maybe even skip my run this Sunday if my knee is tweaky, which it was today after my 5 mile run yesterday. It felt fine during the boot camp, though.

Then I thought - don't be such a wimp - you're talking 2 weeks. It's not going to kill me to push myself physically for 14 days and then go back to my 5 days a week. And if I follow the nutrition plan outlined maybe I will lose a few pounds. I will be smart and not push myself to injury. I am pretty tuned in to my body now. I didn't do another Zumba class after my knee popped and I had shoulder pain, so I will back off here if it is too much.

Besides, I still haven't finished assessing all my students, report cards are due in a week, and with a short week ahead, there is not much time left. Tomorrow I am in another frickin training and so with all the stress at work, I will need a daily workout to counteract the stress.

Sigh. And the holidays are upon us. Why do I dread them so much??!!

Inspiration, Perspiration, Determination and "Perceptions"

I know, I know, I already posted these.  But I had to give props. Thanks to my childhood friend Rhonda, I now have an awesome Photoshopped side by side of my starting picture and my current picture.Not going to say before and after, as I am not at the end of my journey. So I am still a technology dope but good thing I know people who know things!!

I drove by myself to Modesto today for Jasmine's 4th birthday party, and had a lot of time to think about things over the 3+ hours.  Especially perceptions, or misconceptions.

The only way to get pictures on to my FaceBook photo album where I am chronicling my journey is to repost them. So I uploaded this photo again but had the thought that I hope people don't think I am "bragging" because that is so not what I am trying to do.

While I have more supporters than not, all along in my journey there have been the snide comments, the "joking", the praise given with a "tone", or the flat out nastiness. I have always been confused by this, and rather annoyed because while I don't expect people to fawn over me, why go through the trouble of complimenting me with an attitude? Why not just be happy? I don't even expect anyone to be proud of me, because I am doing this for me, and of course for my family, but I have found that in this case, a certain amount of selfishness comes into play because if you don't love yourself enough to take care of yourself, who is going to do it for you? I don't want to have someone care for me because I didn't take the time or have enough self respect to do it myself. That was my dad, and he needed a lot of care in his later years. I don't resent him for it; it is what it is, or rather, it was what it was. Part of his journey and how he lived his life is what prompted me to begin my own journey; seeing how he was so helpless and dependent at the end of his life, plus me hitting 40, is all the impetus I needed to get going. And even then, it took a couple of years to get off the ground seriously for me.

I KNOW how hard it is; believe me. I am a self proclaimed procrastinator in a LOT of ways, even to this day. I KNOW that it is tough to begin something, I KNOW how busy people are. I KNOW how hard it is to find the support you need from those in your life in order to do some of the things I have been able to accomplish. It didn't happen overnight. There were growing pains within my own little family, with how busy we are, soccer especially, and in order for me to be able to follow through with my commitment to exercise, I had to have Franklin, Alexander and Cassie's unwavering support. Once they saw how serious I was about getting healthy, they adjusted.

There are roadblocks to any goal, to any journey. It is up to YOU to figure out how to go over them, go around them, or plow the hell THROUGH them. You have to want it bad enough. I hear so often "Oh I'm too old" or "the older you get, the harder it is". Okay, I do NOT buy the age crap; I am running with people who began running in their 40's and 50's. That excuse, to me, is just that: an excuse. I could buy the "the older I get the harder it is" line because yes, if you have not exercised or have ever been fit, or even if you have but let it go and are trying to get back to it, yes, the older we are, the harder we may have to work, but my God, I am proof that life doesn't end after 40!! I feel younger than I did 2 years ago; I am fitter than I was in my 20's. I cannot spend my time trying to convince people that it can be done. All I can do is do what I am doing and hope to inspire people with what I am doing and where I have been.

I suppose this is all getting to me because of carefully veiled comments to me about my results not being something that anyone can do. I am not special. I am not extraordinary. I am not Super Woman. I am an average person, a soccer mom, a teacher, a wife, and an almost 43 year old woman. All that I have done that might seem extraordinary is that I posted pictures that show a dramatic change from the Fat Kristy that people have known my entire life, and shown a picture of how I look now that does make it seem like a big deal. I mean, it IS a big deal, especially to me, but it is NOT something that others cannot do. But the desire has to be there, the determination has to come from within. It is not something someone else can tell you to do or even suggest. It has to come from within.

I am at a point in my journey where I want to help people, but I don't know how. I only know to keep posting about my journey and maybe it will inspire someone to make a change. I hear from so many people how I am inspiring them but I don't really KNOW what that is doing for them. Inspiration is nothing without perspiration, you know? I can be inspired about something, but unless I put that into action, what the hell good is it?

I feel like I want to do something to inspire people more actively but I just don't know how that looks yet. It will come to me. I firmly believe in things happening for a reason and I have never been able to lose weight and love exercise until now for a reason. This whole journey has made my confidence blossom. I have never felt as good inside and out as I do right now. This is a whole new feeling for me. I have never felt sexy or pretty. Sure, I was told by family members how pretty I was, if only I weren't so fat. Or how pretty my face was, if only I would lose weight. You'd think with those kind of comments, I would have lost it a long time ago. For the first time in my life, I feel good about myself. I am not done, I still think my legs and butt are too big, but I feel great and that is making me feel confident in clothes, when I walk, and I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror anymore. Maybe that sounds superficial, but it really IS how I feel inside. And that feeling is being projected on the outside.

Is this threatening to some? I don't know. I would hope not. I don't want any haters. I just want people to see that it CAN be done. It is not impossible. Anyone can do what I have done, what I am doing. But no one can do it for them. No one can tell you how to do it. I mean, who am I to give advice to anyone? I am no fitness professional. I have no training. I can only say what I have done, how I have done it, but everyone's journey is their own. I can't even go into detail here a phone call that Franklin got today from a friend who saw my pictures posted and warned him to "watch out" and not spend so much time on soccer. WTF?? Come on people. Just be happy. That says a lot about how this person perceives me and my intentions. Good lord.

When people ask me how I am doing it, it really does come down to exercise. I can now not obsess over my food because I continue to regularly exercise. I do need to fine tune it to continue firming up. Exercise. Finding something you love. I honestly and truly do not dread going to the gym, going for a run. This brings tears to my eyes right now because that is not the person I have ever been. How did I get here? I don't know. I just know that I found something I love to do, beginning with my Les Mills classes, then finding running. I am so completely sore from my classes with Alex last night, but I am so excited to get up tomorrow at 7am and run at 8am on a new trail in Woodside Hills. I still am in awe that I would rather do that than sleep in. Sometimes I don't know who this person is. I suppose I am the same person - on one hand, I have not had a lobotomy. But on the other hand, I am totally different.

I look back at blog entries from over the summer when I was so completely distraught at the thought of not having Les Mills classes. It was part of my journey and I am thankful to have worked through it with support and to come to realize that it is all about me; in terms of the work it took to get here. Yes, I have had the great fortune to have my mentors and people that inspire me, but my life didn't end (like it felt like) when LM went away. I found another physical outlet that was hard, so hard to begin, but with support from so many, I found something I could also love and that could give me confidence and results. Now I have LM back, to an extent, and I am feeling so much better, so much more well rounded, with things falling into place.

I guess I am just wishing people would truly be happy for me, which I know so many are, and that there is no place for envy; be happy, be inspired, be active, be loved........like me. Anyone can do it.

No excuses.