I have never had an episode of hyperventilating. Until tonight. Well, it wasn't so bad that I really needed the paper bag, but I swear I don't think I have ever felt like that before.
I had just spent some time at Jen's house catching up on our respective first 1/2 marathons (San Jose for me and Nike Women's for her) and Cassie and Jordan were playing. I had to leave to get my van from the dealership and Cassie wanted to stay so I left her and began to drive to the dealer. At a stop light, I checked my phone for email (I know, I know but I was NOT moving) and saw I had a new email. I clicked on it, saw that it was from Les Mills West Coast, saw the first line that said "You have been approved in the system and can now register...." and literally I threw the phone on the passenger seat and clutched my chest. I am not exaggerating. My heart started pounding, my eyes teared up, and I thought I was going to puke. I kept driving and all I could think was "Oh my god, oh my god, now what am I gonna do".
I think I panicked because deep down, I knew that no way would Les Mills REALLY approve me to take the training because I am a nobody, just a participant and not a fitness professional. Why in the world would they let ME ME ME ME ME take this training? And now, seeing that they actually WILL allow me to do this? Cripes.
I arrived at the dealership and immediately posted on FB but after one response, couldn't even get back on for awhile because it freaked me out. Of course, right away Pam and Kimi were onto me and knew exactly what caused me to freak.
I got back to Jen's house and told her, and promptly, as I covered my face telling her, couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I can't believe I cried over this. I must be seriously screwed up. Jen was so great (thank you for letting me cry in your cupcakes!! - and yes, I ate a mini one, HAD to) and said all the right things, and promised she would be in my class for taping (maybe I'll get her to leave Crunch....hahaha)
I know I can do this, but I am just enough of a Drama Queen to have to freak out for a respectable amount of time first. I know I did before running, had to be talked off the ledge, and I know I can do this.....I think. Now I just want to wrap my body in bubble wrap so that nothing gets strained or sprained before this training.
WHICH IS IN THREE WEEKS. Oh my god, here I go again. This training, if I want to do it this soon, is the first weekend of December. If I could just see the training calendar for January or February, I would push it out a bit and get more fit and ready. As it stands, now I feel like I want to lose 10 pounds before I go, which I could do if I cut back on carbs again. Or do I just chance it that I am actually ready for this? So many unknowns..........I hate unknowns.
Okay, another freak-a-zoid moment..........went and dug out a journal I keep by my bed, one I wrote a few goals in privately from this online journal.
In April 2010 I wrote a goal of being able to run and have better endurance. Check.
In June 2010, before Combat and Pump went away, I wrote that I wanted to be more fit, work in the world of fitness, maybe as a group fitness instructor.....maybe teaching Les Mills, helping people reach their fitness goals. I don't even remember WRITING that!!! I have said it before, I so believe in the power of writing, and here, again, something that I wrote a long time ago is coming to fruition.
Several people have sent me comments from my blog, telling me that maybe someday I will teach the programs that I was so distraught to lose back at the beginning of the summer. Wow.
Another thing, other than actually committing to do this, was to make sure it was okay with Franklin. I don't mean that I needed his permission, he is actually the one to bring it up to me awhile back, teaching BP. I wanted to make sure, #1, there was no soccer going on that weekend :-), #2 that he was going to be supportive (I know he would be but it's just been talk so far, and reality is a bit different) and #3, well, after 28 years together, this is a BIG decision that will affect our entire family so I needed to have him on board. If he was not at this time, then I would put off for awhile because to me, that would be a sign that it was not the right time.
So no, no soccer going on, it is the weekend between his birthday and Alexander's birthday, and he had said before that I should do it on a weekend when he can come up with the kids. Now this concerns me because from what I understand, my evenings are going to be full of me learning choreography for a track that I will have to learn overnight and teach the next day, so I will not have time to socialize or deal with a 5 year old girl that will be wanting to be with Mommy after not seeing her all day. So I had to make sure he would be supportive in that way and understand that I will not be able to give them "attention".
I asked him what he thought, if he would be supportive, and when he said of course he supports me, I burst into tears AGAIN. Fricken Pisces. So damned emotional. He said he wants me to rent a car to drive up and leave up there so he can drive me home on Sunday. He said he would come up with the kids after school on Friday or come on Saturday and he would take them to the movies or something in the evening so I could work. Then Alexander sees me crying, asks me what was wrong, then right away says "Oh you're freaked out about the training, huh?" (wow he is perceptive) and then Cassie comes over, tells me it's going to be okay, then has me bend down so she can wipe my tears with her pink sleeve. Aaawwwww. They are the best.
I actually skipped Boot Camp tonight. I was worried about my knee, even though it is better, it feels tight and I just didn't want to aggravate it. Again, I need bubble wrap. In hindsight, I probably should have gone as I needed to work off this anxiety, but I am now paranoid about my knee getting better before the training. So instead I came home, vacuumed and did some purging of papers.
I went on to the LM site to register; got to the payment screen after reading all the fine print in the Terms and Conditions, then backed out. I will do it, by Monday, just have to figure out where the money will come from and to make sure I don't cut us short. But I will do it.
Plus I have to call my brother in Roseville and ask if I can stay with them. If not , I have to look for a hotel and I hope I don't have to have that added expense. I wonder if I will have time to eat dinner? So maybe we can all go out for birthday dinner for my boys that weekend.
I'm a little better. Still freaked. Still unsure, even with Franklin leaving for a football game tonight and telling me in my ear "You KNOW you can do this; you got this", I still feel sick to my stomach. Hope this goes away soon.
Can't even do BP and kickboxing tomorrow because Cassie has a birthday party to go to at PAC at 10am, but I am going to get up at 7am and go to the 8am yoga class.....calm my mind down, help work out the kinks in my body. Will also have to schedule a massage for next week.
Next week, conferences, UGH. How in the world will I keep my mind on teaching and work with THIS looming in 3 weeks????!!!
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