Day 12...Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. This came up tonight in conversation with my friend Pam on the way back from a really good Body Pump class with Amy at PAC. I was thinking of this as I showered because for some reason that hit home with me.......I look at myself in the mirror during class and think "Wow, I look pretty good, I feel and look strong" but then when I am showering, I look down at myself and see the same fat woman from almost 70 pounds ago. I still look flabby, still look heavy. Why is that?  Thank goodness when I am wearing clothes, I don't feel that way. I do feel the difference then.

I know how much progress I have made and the fact that I am making decisions that are moving me closer to teaching a class I am passionate about. I know that I love to exercise and push myself physically, and I am in constant awe of what my 42 year old body allows me to do. So why is my head playing games with me? Is this a bad sign that someday I might revert back to the old me? That fear lives in me because I should, at this point, be able to look at myself and see a whole new person. And I do, most of the time. If I am still seeing the old heavy one, does that mean that I really haven't figured it all out in my head and there's a chance I will fail? I know I really have figured out the physical part of being healthy, and I still struggle with the food (which is probably why I haven't lost much, even with the running) but I wonder if I will ever see myself as thin?

Went to Pacific Athletic Club tonight as Amy's guest for BP and when she saw me she commented on how skinny I was. I am trying to accept compliments graciously but I still choked on my reply because I am NOT SKINNY. Yes, I am skinnier than before, and I haven't seen her since July or so, and I do look leaner, but I have a hard time just saying "thanks" when people compliment me. Always have had problems with that. My butt is still big, maybe it always will be. My thighs are still big and jiggly. And it feels so false to me, skinny. I don't aspire to be skinny, I aspire to be FIT. HEALTHY. STRONG. I am not there yet. My journey is not over.

Now that I have committed to taking steps to take the Body Pump training, the self doubts arise. I feel like I am not fit enough, or strong enough, or cannot keep up. I looked at myself sideways tonight during the lunge track and was a bit surprised to see my back knee lunging down the way it's supposed to, especially since my knees have been bothering me for several days. I remember vividly how I never used to be able to complete a lunge track, let alone do it correctly.  So I know I have come far. But as a participant, I can take a breather, or skip one repetition to rest. As an instructor, I will not be able to do that. Plus I will have to INSTRUCT. I will have to speak and do at the same time. That freaks me out. I'm a grunt-er, a whiner during these exercises. I did 3 pushups on my toes tonight - haven't been able to do that since before I started training for the marathon, and my upper body strength has suffered. So that is progress, and when I looked over and saw that after the first few, Amy also went on her knees, I felt better. I used to not be able to do more than a couple of pushups on my knees. I couldn't do a plank at all, nor tricep work or dips. So I know I have improved because for the most part, I can do all of these. I just need to keep training.

Amy, Pam and I talked for a long time after class tonight and Amy shared specifics about her experience in the BP training, since she just did it this past February. I still don't feel like I am fit enough but the more I talk to these wonderful instructors who have become my friends and offered their support, the more I feel like yes, I can do this. I am not at the end of my journey, and this training will help me get more fit, strong and confident. Amy also said that in her initial training, there were many people who have never taught fitness at all, so I shouldn't feel like I am the only one going in as a fitness virgin. I also look forward to the physical challenge of doing something that just 2 years ago, oh hell, just a year or six months ago, I never ever envisioned doing. I just want to succeed.

I just yesterday, after 10 days of looking at the calendar in my kitchen, actually read the quote: 

 "To succeed.....you need something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you."

That something, right now, is Les Mills, Body Pump training......and all the thrills that will follow...........but in the great big scheme of things, it is really living a longer, healthier, fit life.