I drove by myself to Modesto today for Jasmine's 4th birthday party, and had a lot of time to think about things over the 3+ hours. Especially perceptions, or misconceptions.
The only way to get pictures on to my FaceBook photo album where I am chronicling my journey is to repost them. So I uploaded this photo again but had the thought that I hope people don't think I am "bragging" because that is so not what I am trying to do.
While I have more supporters than not, all along in my journey there have been the snide comments, the "joking", the praise given with a "tone", or the flat out nastiness. I have always been confused by this, and rather annoyed because while I don't expect people to fawn over me, why go through the trouble of complimenting me with an attitude? Why not just be happy? I don't even expect anyone to be proud of me, because I am doing this for me, and of course for my family, but I have found that in this case, a certain amount of selfishness comes into play because if you don't love yourself enough to take care of yourself, who is going to do it for you? I don't want to have someone care for me because I didn't take the time or have enough self respect to do it myself. That was my dad, and he needed a lot of care in his later years. I don't resent him for it; it is what it is, or rather, it was what it was. Part of his journey and how he lived his life is what prompted me to begin my own journey; seeing how he was so helpless and dependent at the end of his life, plus me hitting 40, is all the impetus I needed to get going. And even then, it took a couple of years to get off the ground seriously for me.
I KNOW how hard it is; believe me. I am a self proclaimed procrastinator in a LOT of ways, even to this day. I KNOW that it is tough to begin something, I KNOW how busy people are. I KNOW how hard it is to find the support you need from those in your life in order to do some of the things I have been able to accomplish. It didn't happen overnight. There were growing pains within my own little family, with how busy we are, soccer especially, and in order for me to be able to follow through with my commitment to exercise, I had to have Franklin, Alexander and Cassie's unwavering support. Once they saw how serious I was about getting healthy, they adjusted.
There are roadblocks to any goal, to any journey. It is up to YOU to figure out how to go over them, go around them, or plow the hell THROUGH them. You have to want it bad enough. I hear so often "Oh I'm too old" or "the older you get, the harder it is". Okay, I do NOT buy the age crap; I am running with people who began running in their 40's and 50's. That excuse, to me, is just that: an excuse. I could buy the "the older I get the harder it is" line because yes, if you have not exercised or have ever been fit, or even if you have but let it go and are trying to get back to it, yes, the older we are, the harder we may have to work, but my God, I am proof that life doesn't end after 40!! I feel younger than I did 2 years ago; I am fitter than I was in my 20's. I cannot spend my time trying to convince people that it can be done. All I can do is do what I am doing and hope to inspire people with what I am doing and where I have been.
I suppose this is all getting to me because of carefully veiled comments to me about my results not being something that anyone can do. I am not special. I am not extraordinary. I am not Super Woman. I am an average person, a soccer mom, a teacher, a wife, and an almost 43 year old woman. All that I have done that might seem extraordinary is that I posted pictures that show a dramatic change from the Fat Kristy that people have known my entire life, and shown a picture of how I look now that does make it seem like a big deal. I mean, it IS a big deal, especially to me, but it is NOT something that others cannot do. But the desire has to be there, the determination has to come from within. It is not something someone else can tell you to do or even suggest. It has to come from within.
I am at a point in my journey where I want to help people, but I don't know how. I only know to keep posting about my journey and maybe it will inspire someone to make a change. I hear from so many people how I am inspiring them but I don't really KNOW what that is doing for them. Inspiration is nothing without perspiration, you know? I can be inspired about something, but unless I put that into action, what the hell good is it?
I feel like I want to do something to inspire people more actively but I just don't know how that looks yet. It will come to me. I firmly believe in things happening for a reason and I have never been able to lose weight and love exercise until now for a reason. This whole journey has made my confidence blossom. I have never felt as good inside and out as I do right now. This is a whole new feeling for me. I have never felt sexy or pretty. Sure, I was told by family members how pretty I was, if only I weren't so fat. Or how pretty my face was, if only I would lose weight. You'd think with those kind of comments, I would have lost it a long time ago. For the first time in my life, I feel good about myself. I am not done, I still think my legs and butt are too big, but I feel great and that is making me feel confident in clothes, when I walk, and I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror anymore. Maybe that sounds superficial, but it really IS how I feel inside. And that feeling is being projected on the outside.
Is this threatening to some? I don't know. I would hope not. I don't want any haters. I just want people to see that it CAN be done. It is not impossible. Anyone can do what I have done, what I am doing. But no one can do it for them. No one can tell you how to do it. I mean, who am I to give advice to anyone? I am no fitness professional. I have no training. I can only say what I have done, how I have done it, but everyone's journey is their own. I can't even go into detail here a phone call that Franklin got today from a friend who saw my pictures posted and warned him to "watch out" and not spend so much time on soccer. WTF?? Come on people. Just be happy. That says a lot about how this person perceives me and my intentions. Good lord.
When people ask me how I am doing it, it really does come down to exercise. I can now not obsess over my food because I continue to regularly exercise. I do need to fine tune it to continue firming up. Exercise. Finding something you love. I honestly and truly do not dread going to the gym, going for a run. This brings tears to my eyes right now because that is not the person I have ever been. How did I get here? I don't know. I just know that I found something I love to do, beginning with my Les Mills classes, then finding running. I am so completely sore from my classes with Alex last night, but I am so excited to get up tomorrow at 7am and run at 8am on a new trail in Woodside Hills. I still am in awe that I would rather do that than sleep in. Sometimes I don't know who this person is. I suppose I am the same person - on one hand, I have not had a lobotomy. But on the other hand, I am totally different.
I look back at blog entries from over the summer when I was so completely distraught at the thought of not having Les Mills classes. It was part of my journey and I am thankful to have worked through it with support and to come to realize that it is all about me; in terms of the work it took to get here. Yes, I have had the great fortune to have my mentors and people that inspire me, but my life didn't end (like it felt like) when LM went away. I found another physical outlet that was hard, so hard to begin, but with support from so many, I found something I could also love and that could give me confidence and results. Now I have LM back, to an extent, and I am feeling so much better, so much more well rounded, with things falling into place.
I guess I am just wishing people would truly be happy for me, which I know so many are, and that there is no place for envy; be happy, be inspired, be active, be loved........like me. Anyone can do it.
No excuses.
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