Crazy Animals

I don't just mean the ones at the zoo. I mean the 21 little kindergartners and the 7 parents that accompanied me to the SF zoo today. It was a fun day, always exhausting going on a field trip with so many kids. The responsibility, the coordination, the constant "Where is ___? Stay with me!" etc. But they had so much fun. It was a beautiful, sunny day, a little breezy but not cold at all. Loved it.

It was a nice physically active day, too. I met my calorie output goal, exceeded my daily step goal by the time we left the zoo at 1:00, but my hip flexor was really painful as we left, causing me to limp. I guess all the walking. So some stretching tonight. The jeans I wore today were big on me, bigger than earlier this week. I had to keep pulling them up. Really annoying ( I know, in a good way).

Off to bed. Cannot believe how wiped out I am, so tired. Getting up early for an 8:30am Spin class, then hair cuts for the kids, cut/color touch up for me. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Still can't breathe

Sucks. I guess I would rather be congested than have a sore throat or the stomach flu. Went to combat tonight, so excited that next month the 530 combat class will move to 630 and be right before pump, just like on Tuesdays so I can add my 3rd day of both classes. That ought to move things along, Sun-Tues-Thurs Body Combat and Body Pump, then Spin on Sat and one more day of solo cardio.

Still have the pain in my left butt cheek, tried stretching it out at the gym before class. I also felt dizzy yesterday, then again today when I was putting Cassie in her car seat. I am eating and staying hydrated, so I think it's this head congestion. I will go to the doctor if it continues. I've also been having some tingling in my left shoulder blade from repetitive punching. Gotta keep icing and stretching. Can't stop boxing now - having too much fun!

Going to the SF zoo tomorrow with the kinders. Hope all goes well, hope the weather is warmer and not windy, hope all the parents behave :)

Can't breathe, but still working out

                                                                       

                                    







In the past, being sick or having bad allergies was my reason to crawl under a blanket, milk it for all it's worth, and certainly not exercise or eat  right. I still don't know if what I have is a cold or allergies. All I know is that with my new outlook on life and my focus on fitness and taking care of myself, I pushed through my workouts, hoping that I wouldn't make it worse. Sunday I didn't want to miss because Jozi (above on the left) who was an instructor at Gold's previously, was back from Germany and teaching classes. Sunday I actually felt really good, the workouts were great, and after, Jessica and I took Cassie and Renee to Stanford to just hang out and be in the sun. We took silly posed pictures by a waterfall - me, as further documentation on my progress, and I made her do some too. Couldn't beat the nasal congestion and sore throat, though.

Of course, Tuesday, my favorite gym night of the week, Jozi was team teaching with Alex and I remember from long ago how much fun they are together so I wasn't about to miss it, even though I really felt crappy -not able to breathe, tired. As you can see from the upper left photo, after our 2 classes, I don't look very sick!! :) It was actually a good workout night for me - cleared my nose, did have to leave during  Combat to go to the bathroom (I have NEVER left a class in the middle) but I have been pounding the water because I STILL have not lost any weight for the entire month of April!! Challenged Alex a bit, and it bit me in the butt because he expected me to do full shoots (the move that broke my butt a couple of weeks ago) and all my pushups on my toes. Well, the first one I tried - couldn't get back up again!! Totally collapsed. But I got back up on my toes and actually did 4-5 on my toes! I pushed myself hard overall, punched and fought like a mad woman. During Body Pump, Jozi was laying next to me on the chest track and came over to make an adjustment on my arm position - thought I had been doing it correctly the whole time - NOT!! What a difference a little shift in elbow position makes. WAY harder. And I feel it today.

I pushed so hard last night that I am incredibly sore today, feel a knot in my left butt cheek that is going to need some serious stretching and pounding to loosen up. Gotta do that tonight after a soak in a hot tub. Tomorrow is Combat again, and I need to be able to do the moves, I think Alex is teaching and he won't let me go half ass.

I made a comment to Jessica yesterday about being fat - I still consider myself fat - even though I see such a different person in the mirror. I think when you are fat your whole life, you have a hard time disassociating yourself from that label. I don't know if I will consider myself "not fat" until I am "thin". I still don't know what that looks like or even means right now. Although I get pissy when my scale betrays me, I still know that I have a ways to go in terms of losing more pounds. Since putting my scale away, I am not obsessing over my actual weight. I know that sounds contradicting since I just wrote that I have not lost anything the last month. I waffle back and forth on that one. On the one hand, I KNOW my body is changing, my clothes are looser (even the 14's I have been so proud to be able to wear) and when those "newer" clothes are getting baggy, I KNOW that I am losing inches. It's this obsession with the actual number. When will I feel skinny? 150? Thin? 140? Do I even dare think I could be what the doctors all recommend on those stupid BMI charts that say for my height I should be 125?? I cannot, will not, even fathom that if I lost 50 more pounds, I will be "thin" and happy. I am happy now. I think at 125 I will be skeletal. No, I realize it's a feeling, a feeling of being happy in my body, my skin, my clothes. I don't even know what size I want to be. I guess I will know when I get there. All I know is I still feel like a fat person, just not as fat. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel thinner, but still there is enough fat left to classify myself as a fat person. Old habits are hard to break.

Gonna soak and stretch.

Feel Like CRUD

Yuck. Really feel crappy. I am pretty sure it's allergies, since I have been fine until Saturday when we were in Morgan Hill for a soccer tournament. The grass got to me, eyes, throat, sneezing, etc. Had a sore throat since. Now today I am totally congested, irritated tickly throat. Trying to get better because I don't want to miss class tomorrow night. So I am praying for a miraculous recovery overnight.

Will post pictures another day, yesterday was a great day with Jozi visiting from Germany and had two great classes with her. Took pictures, with Jessica finally too. Then Jessica and I took the girls to Stanford mall, hung out, had Pinkberry, let them play on the grass. Bought a cute orange vneck tshirt for $10 at the GAP - size MEDIUM!!! OMG. Never thought I'd see the day. We took pictures of each other by a waterfall. Continuing to document our progress.

Gotta crawl in bed, hope to be able to breathe. Could fall asleep immediately if I could breathe. *sigh*

Aaaaahhh Friday!

I am  very happy it's Friday. Didn't have to teach today, spent the day in a Sobrato planning session, which is always fun, it's just that I cannot stand sitting on my butt all day. I am used to at least getting up and moving around during the day. We sat most of the day. It was fun, though. Janet and Jeanett and I commuted and were so involved with talking that we completely missed the exit by about 6-7 miles! Wondered where we were when we looked up and saw we were on 680 at Berryessa! We were about 15 minutes late for the morning session. Then at lunch, when we only had a few minutes left, I just had to get outside and walk around a bit. Went outside and the outer door locked, leaving me stranded outside. Called Janet to come let me in, waited for a long time and then she called me and asked where I was. She was on the other side of the building because she went down the wrong set of stairs! She told me to go to the right, follow the building  and meet her at the door. When I walked around the entire building, she asked if I was facing the building when I turned right or facing away from the building - I had to walk completely around to the other side of the building! We were laughing so hard, but of course, walked in to the afternoon session late. Really professional!!

In spite of the lack of movement today, I think that combat last night actually helped my muscles because today I am not as sore as I thought I would be. Feel so good that I am going to Spin tomorrow. Kimi and Alex gave me some pointers in terms of position, stretching, resistance, so I am looking forward to burning some calories tomorrow.

The jeans I wore today that Jennifer gave me, the size 14 from Old Navy, are low on the hip, which I am not used to, but by tonight, when I changed, I had to keep pulling them up. Dare I hope that since these are not the first 14's that are getting loose already, that I have lost more inches? I have nothing to gauge it on right now since I physically put the scale under the bed and I am not taking it out for another week. Promise. But I  think I can measure tomorrow and check inches.

Looking forward to this weekend - sunny weather, spin tomorrow, Combat and Pump on Sunday with Jozi who is visiting from Germany, and all the time in between to be outside with my baby and getting a little sun on these toned arms that I love seeing. Wish I felt as good about my pasty white legs!

Shoot

Well, I was wrong. I thought I wouldn't be pushed as much tonight in Combat with Willi, but I actually burned more calories tonight than I did on Tuesday in Alex's class, which is very surprising. I was able to do the "shoot" and LOVE the pirate track. So much that I want the music so I can do that routine at home. It's punching, swinging a "sword", uppercuts, knee lifts and a ton of back kicks. I am hoping for a great butt after all this work! I am still terribly sore, but I felt great and was able to work and not hold back too much. Now I'm stiffening up again. Need to ice my knees, and my left shoulder blade is tight, so Advil and ice on the agenda. I am going to be sitting in a long meeting in San Jose all day tomorrow, not going to help matters. I will get out and walk at lunch just to move a bit, since I am taking tomorrow off from the gym. I plan to take a spin class on Saturday morning - I'll see how I feel.

Gotta get icing and into bed, since it's late. 

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

I am sooo tired. Last night's classes got me so wired that I couldn't go to sleep until 2 am. Then I had to go to an all day meeting at the District office to revise the kindergarten report cards and sat on my ass all day. Not having my normal activity, getting 4 hours sleep and not exercising today has worn me out. To top it off, I am incredibly sore from class. Every imaginable body part is sore. My butt  (again), my abs, my biceps, triceps, shoulders, chest, upper back and legs. I focused hard on core strength last night and I can sure feel it today. I took a hot bath, stretched and cannot keep my eyes open. I am going to go to bed early, well earlier than my usual 11:00-12:00.

I wonder how crazy I am to want to go to Combat tomorrow. I know I will still be sore. I think, though, since it is Willy teaching, I won't be pushed as hard as I am when Alex teaches, so maybe I can go and truly hold back a bit and just get a decent workout without killing myself. I have to remember the balance thing; it's not an option to not workout tomorrow since I didn't do anything today. We'll have to see how I feel tomorrow.

A New Sense of Determination

It's been a few days since I 've posted. Seems like forever, as I have gone through several ups and downs in just a couple of days. Yesterday, Monday, I was down because of damn water retention. I haven't lost anything for 2 weeks, gained 4 last week, lost 2. Just frustrating. My Facebook friends have been so supportive, giving me support and compliments to make me feel better about myself. I wore the pants above to school yesterday and had Janet take a picture of my as someone told me they were baggy. These are the "new" pants that I got from Jennifer, size 14! How could they be baggy? And then Cinthia asked what size my shirt was because it was also baggy. I remember buying it several years ago, and it was tight around my stomach and hips and I would only wear it with a sweater over so it would cover my butt. It is a 2x. It is now being washed and will go directly into the donation bag. I am done with it. I have gotten rid of lots of clothes but it's funny how some items of clothing still, to me, "fit". My skewed perception of what fits.

I have also been dealing with my knee issue, not really in pain but something not quite right. After school I was at Costco and my hip joint started hurting, then shooting pain down my leg and to my knee. The drama queen that I am, I freaked and called my chiropractor and he was able to see me. He stretched and adjusted me, took away the pain and gave me a great pep talk about balance and limits. He said that if I were in my 20's, I could work out like a mad woman, but with my 42 year old body, I just need to learn to listen to my body. The pain I am having is a warning that I need to be more body aware and take it easy. He is a fitness freak so I trust that he knows what he is talking about, and he said I don't have to stop (thank god, I would definitely freak if he said that) I just need to pull back a bit, be smart about this and not overdo it. He said my pain was from overuse (I did take 7 classes during spring break and maybe I did overdo it). So I am not giving up, but I won't be stupid about it and injure myself further. I just need to hear this in seven different ways from many different people - I am that pigheaded, I guess. The plan was to take it easy in class tonight.

Class was awesome as usual. Alex gave me a present before class, red hand wraps. He had to help me get them on, but it was amazing how that little thing made me hit harder, focus more and feel like a fighter. I have been wearing gloves but for some reason these wraps felt great. Surprisingly, I was able to do most of what I thought I would have to hold back on. The "shoot" was hard but I could lunge down without pain. I LOVE the track with the sword move and back kicks - I feel strong and powerful doing those moves. Pump was good, I kept listening to Alex with his directions on core strength and felt a difference in the squat track, the pain in my legs (good pain) told me that I was tightening my core and the strength shifted to my legs, where it should. Tonight, for the first time I was able to do a couple of push ups on my FEET!!! Never have I done this. And the plank? Still way hard, but I am able to get off my knees and on my feet for part of it. Need to strengthen my core to help not to injure other parts of my body. Or so I'm told. Still need to figure out how to really do that.

I am already sore, in my upper back, arms and shoulders. Tells me I worked hard tonight. :)

I came home excited, with a renewed sense of determination that I had not felt the last couple of days. Alex brought up that he is starting a challenge with his participants for both Combat and Pump, with a website where we can log our heart rate/calorie burn and track them. He didn't go into detail, but when he said "Challenge" that sets a fire under my butt and I am THERE. I am excited that whatever that challenge is, I intend to give it my all and win it.

All in all, a productive couple of days, in terms of the shift in my mental focus and determination. I feel strong, healthy, focused and raring to go. I am very excited. BRING IT ON!!!

I'm DONE

With kids, that is. I took Cassie to our friend Carrie's 2nd birthday party today. Another friend just had a baby 11 days ago, and she was fussy and as I took her from her mom, she calmed down, opened her eyes and stared at me. I melted. I held her for over 30 minutes, let her parents sit and eat and relax. She was so adorable, Charlotte. It took some time, but I walked and sang to her, and she fell asleep. Having that little cherub in my arms was so sweet, but so was the realization that I didn't feel the usual twinge to have another. Thank God. I am 42 and while Franklin would jump at the chance (crazy) to have another, I am getting my body. I can't say I'm getting my body back. I never had it. I look better and feel better today than I did before I got pregnant with Alexander when I was 26. I have NEVER had a nice body. Ever. So while I am tempted to say I am getting my body back, since I never had this body, I can't say that. So I'm a little stumped at what to say.

I noticed today when I showered and was getting ready that I was really happy with myself and what I was wearing and what I looked like when I was done. It was never that effortless before. Not that I can roll out of bed and look good. No way, far from it. Would never walk out of the house without mascara on, at the very least. But when I was done, and looked in the mirror, I thought "I like the way I look". That hasn't happened very often in my lifetime. I'm kinda pretty. For a 42 year old mom. It's weird. I don't want to become vain with all this. That's not what it's about. But I've always thought I was alright looking, sometimes pretty, usually just okay, depended on how I felt about myself at the time. Now I find myself catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and liking what I see. That concerns me. I DO NOT want to become vain. I don't know what to do with that. I am not ALL THAT. I am not the type of person that people just look at and say, "wow, she's stunning." And I am okay with that. It's not what everyone else thinks, just what I think. I have just never felt happy with the way I look, truly happy. Don't get me wrong. I still consider myself fat. Less fat, maybe, but still a fat person. I don't think I will consider myself a thin person until the saddlebags are gone and I can wear shorts with confidence. Then I will not consider myself fat. I'm even too self conscious to wear these tighter workout pants to the gym because they are not baggy. I'm going to try tomorrow and see if I can get through my workout without cringing at my legs and butt bouncing around in these tighter pants. Eek.

Franklin and Alexander got home from a tournament late today and I had to rush out to make it to the party. He looked me up and down and said before I left, "Who's going to be at the party?" and I told him a bunch of kids, my sister, etc. He said "Then why do you look so hot?" I just sighed and left. I don't get it. I'm not trying to look "hot". I don't even believe that I am. I just know that I felt good about how I looked today. Kind of an uncomfortable feeling. Weird. I still don't know what to do with that.

Two days of not working out has made me less cranky than I thought, but I have hardly burned any calories today especially, sitting around icing my knee. I tried not to eat too much today, since I am not burning many calories. The knee feels better, no pain, just an uncomfortable feeling that I might hurt it. Maybe it's all in my head. There's no more tightness, just a fear that I will injure it. I am so afraid that I will injure some body part and not be able to work out. Irrational, I know. I've been told that I must be overcompensating for some other weak part of my body. I don't know what that is. So how am I supposed to prevent injury? I know it's a risk that I'm taking, all the exercise. I just want to keep getting stronger and not worry about some niggling little fear of getting hurt. I am very ready to work out tomorrow. I enjoyed my day with Cassie, and the party, but I am beyond excited about my two classes.

I'm going to ice again, sit back and watch some tv or read and go to bed. Leaving at 8:15 tomorrow and Jessica is finally feeling better so we are going together. I've missed my workout partner!

So I am done. Done with having kids, done with resting my knee, done with being sedentary. Done with bad habits that don't serve me. There were people yesterday and today that still couldn't believe that I REALLY didn't want that piece of cake. I am done with it. I just don't want it. It's not my DIET. I am not DIETING. Someone else asked Jessica what kind of diet I am on. I am not dieting. I just don't crave the sweet stuff anymore. I did eat 2 thin mint cookies last week when I was, well. But it didn't taste the same and after, I wondered why the hell I did it. Just because normally at that time of the month I would have eaten a whole sleeve. But I seriously, truly, really don't want, need or crave cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, popsicles, candy. I am chewing a lot of Extra sugarfree gum. That seems to take care of my sweet tooth. I am eating carbs again, not white ones, just steel cut oatmeal, wheat bread, brown rice. At the party today, I didn't worry about what I was eating. I just ate what looked good - fruit salad, grilled veggies, a wedge of cheese and some crackers, and a small tri-tip sandwich on foccacia with arugula. Have no idea what the calories were, but I am satisfied that what I ate won't break the bank, even without working out. I just choose wiser, I didn't eat more than that, I didn't want or need to. I didn't eat cake, I am a little hungry now but I can have a yogurt or a hard boiled egg and I'm happy. My food choices are limitless but I am not going crazy because I don't need to.

It's all so strange. The way this is all just a way of life now. I've known for a lifetime that it's all about calories in, calories out, making better choices, being active, blah blah blah. I guess I wasn't ready for it before now. When people ask me, and I am getting it almost daily now, how I'm doing it, how hard it is, it almost seems rude to just say it is easy. I know it's not easy, not for so many people. It was never easy for me. It is easy now in the sense that it is automatic. It is NOT easy in the sense that I am still figuring out this exercise thing. That seems to be my biggest hurdle right now. I'm not worried about the food anymore. It is not easy when I obsess over working out, or worrying that I am going to injure myself. I don't know if anyone understands that or not. It's kind of an internal battle in my head. Sure I have people I can talk to and ask about it, Alex, Kimi, Jessica, but I am starting to feel like I have so many questions and the more I ask, the more I might piss someone off or just irritate the hell out of them. I find myself thinking about fitness all the time, and what I am doing, and how I can do it better, and what more can I do to challenge myself. I want to talk about it out loud, but I don't have anyone really to do that with. Franklin doesn't get it. Alexander doesn't get it. He even rolls his eyes. Jess gets it but I can't keep bugging her. I wonder if this is normal for someone going through a life change. God, is this my midlife crisis??!! How ridiculous this all must sound to people. And I am only writing it because it is constantly in my head and needs to get out. Maybe it will relieve some of the pressure in my head. Before it explodes. I have this image of my head with ?? coming out of my ears, nose, eyes.

So I'm done. Better go ice and rest. Sometimes I wish the battle in my head would go away, would just shut up so I can have some peace. I think I must be going crazy. Seriously.

TGIF

I am very happy it is Friday. It has been a long week. The kids were acting like it was the week BEFORE spring break, not the week after. Just crazy. Today I gave the entire class yellow cards for repeatedly chanting, something stupid, but they wouldn't stop. They were floored that I made the entire class change their cards. Made 3 kids cry. One said her mom told her that if she got a yellow card, she would hit her. I don't believe it. I ended up giving some kids their green cards back after Math, to the ones who were working and not screwing around. Made another kid cry. Whatever. Deal with it - you are 5 years old!! :(

My knee is a little better. Got a ton of advice today, unsolicited and begged for. Decided to take today and tomorrow off from the gym. Rest, ice, etc. Then back with a vengeance on Sunday. Can't wait. I know I need to take breaks, and rest. It's this obsession with exercise that has me already looking forward to Sunday, and not even thinking about what I am going to do and enjoy tomorrow.

I am also getting way too addicted to Facebook. Can't help it - it's too much fun to be chatting back and forth with friends that I normally wouldn't communicate with so regularly. That can't be bad, right? And having instant access on my blackberry......too much fun.

Had a nice afternoon at Milagro's with Laurie, Sue, Erin, Carol and Catie. Celebrating Laurie's 40th like a month later. Kindergarten teachers at my school are notorious for not going out to socialize, most of us have young children and frankly, Fridays are a gym day for me and that has been taking priority. But since I have been basically forced to rest today, (I was not going to the gym anyway because of the get-together) I went guilt free to enjoy some Mexican (food!) and good company. I have to say, it has been ages since I really did a girl's thing (other than on Spring Break) and it was definitely nice. Have to do it again.

Now Cassie and I are home alone, soccer widows to both Daddy and big brother. Time to go to bed. Since I don't have to get up early to go to the gym, I can sleep in. Haven't done that in ages either. Hope two days off doesn't get me off track.

CRAP

My knee started bothering me a bit yesterday. It still is bothering me. Without my knee, I can't do ANYTHING!! Can't do Combat, Pump, Spin..........CRAP. So I have been icing like an eskimo, taking advil, don't know what else to do. It's just a tightness, really, a strange feeling like if I move the wrong way, it will hurt. I did do Combat tonight, think I did more than I did on Tuesday, but again, I was afraid that if I jumped the wrong way, it would cause pain. I was able to do the "shoot", which was what caused my butt pain, and it was okay on my knee. I came home, though, and could feel it tightening up. Then I started getting a bit of shooting pain up my thigh to my groin. Kinda like Alexander's injury. GREAT!!! So I iced, again, was only able to sit and rest for about 45 minutes tonight. Too much to do around the house.

Time for some positive thinking, imagining myself back in my classes on Sunday. I think I will take tomorrow off, maybe even Saturday even though I was looking forward to Spin. I will see how I feel. If it means taking 2 days off, so be it. I just know that 2 days off in a row makes me cranky.

Oh, I am 4 pounds up from last week. CRAP again. I know, the stupid scale, water retention, blah blah blah. Whatever. But it sucks. What helps is the compliments I keep getting from people. Helps me to know that it's okay for the scale to betray me, if I continue to look better than I used to. Even my regular Starbucks guy (this little kid, really) said to me when I stopped off after class tonight "Did you just go for a run?" like I look like a runner, or something. I told him I did a Combat class, and he said something to the effect, "Oh please don't kick my ass, I'll get your coffee right away!" LMAO. Youth.

Off to bed. Starting to ache and just need to sleep. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. Praying for a healthy knee tomorrow!

Are You Game??!!

Uh, yeah. That question was posed to me with a new challenge, something different to try. My response? Duh. I guess I've reached the point where I want to try new things, crave variety, am open to new challenges. This is such a liberating, awesome feeling. It's spreading to other areas of my life, not really trying different things other than in the fitness area, but just a general overall happier feeling about things. Things at work aren't bothering me as much. Things at home are better.

Am I game?? BRING IT ON!!!!!

No I'm not a Drama Queen

My butt is so much better. It really did hurt, I wasn't just being a big drama queen. It was seriously painful. It's Tuesday and I was worried about going to Body Combat and Body Pump. I didn't feel like I could give it my all because I was still in some pain. But I was not going to skip a workout just because of a little soreness.

I didn't go to the front of the class because I knew that when I do, Alex pushes and motivates me to work as hard as I can and I didn't think I could do it. I went to my "old spot" on the side in the second row. Well, I think it was a mistake. While I got a great workout, I found myself not pushing myself as hard as I usually do, since I was kind of hidden. I think I could have worked harder than I did, because I felt better than I thought I would. I still burned 850 calories, not too shabby, in both classes. But I usually do almost 1000. I was able to do the "shoot" move, that was the move that caused all this pain in the first place. Not perfect, but I couldn't do it perfect last week either. It's really hard. By the time the second class came along, and we were doing lunges at the end, I could feel the butt cheeks tightening up. I knew I would need to stretch well after. I tell ya, I better have one freakin fabulous butt when all is said and done.

Alex helped me to stretch out after, pushing me and stretching my muscles till I almost cried. However, I feel so much looser now, so I needed that to help work it out. We'll see how I feel in the morning!

Then Cassie and I get home, and at 10:30 the boys walk in and my husband has for me my all time favorite flowers, purple tulips. For NO REASON. What a guy. He usually doesn't do things like that, and it really surprised and touched me.

The perfect ending to a great evening. I worked hard, I get rewarded with a painfully wonderful stretch and some beautiful flowers. Now for bed. Tomorrow I have a meeting all day at the district office, so no little munchkins to teach. YAH!

I Think I Broke my Butt

Seriously. I have never been in so much pain. And I have had 2 C-sections. I am sitting on an ice pack right now. I worked my glutes so much that I can't even stretch them out anymore. It hurts to get in any position that allows me to stretch. What in the world am I gonna do? If I am in this much pain at 9pm, how am I gonna crawl out of bed tomorrow and go to school? How am I gonna sit in tiny little small kindergarten chairs? I have already taken a hot bath. Stretched numerous times. Sitting on ice for the 2nd time. Just took 3 advil.

I'm in big trouble and a week of pain. I can't SKIP a workout because I'm sore! I pray that it is better tomorrow. Oh god. I feel like such a drama queen.

Launch Day!!

Today was the launch for Body Pump 73 and Body Combat 43. This means new music and new routines for my two favorite classes. I am still so sore from last Tuesday's class, so much so in my butt and hamstrings that I had trouble doing some of the moves today! I have stretched and stretched and soaked. I have to work it out so that I can do them all over again this Tuesday! I am also adding the Combat class on Thursdays. So my schedule for these classes will be Sunday (2) Tuesday (2) Thursday (1) and Saturday ( 1- Spin). I think that will step things up a bit, and then on Mon/Wed/Fri I can get in the gym for cardio on the treadmill. Wait, there are no days off there. I'm not crazy. Okay, I'll take Monday and Friday off. Then Wednesday I can work out some soreness from the previous days by running on the treadmill. I'll try it this week and see how I do. Or maybe on one of those 3 days I can do yoga. I really miss doing yoga, and it will help with stretching out the soreness that this new launch has created in my body. I have never felt the deep, deep butt pain that I feel right now. Must be some good stuff! I can't believe how much fun I have in these classes. They are very addicting.

The guys went to Manteca to watch soccer, so after I picked up Cassie, we came home, I did laundry and a load of dishes, and with Starbucks in hand, we cuddled under a blanket and watched The Princess and the Frog. Such a great way to spend a really rainy, wet afternoon.

Not feeling it today

What a day. I'm just glad it's over. Not that it was a bad day. Up early, at 6am to take Alexander to a game in Manteca that he can't play in. Just going to support them, which I have no problem with. But we had to leave during halftime to rush back to RWC so he could see Oscar, the sports massage guy who is going to "cure" him, according to my son. Then we get back and the guy was nowhere to be found. Had to wait 25 minutes for him to show. When Alex walked out of his office, he had NO Pain at all! Of course, it came back but he did some heat therapy on him as well and because he felt so good, Alex is coming out of his slump and posted on FB that he is going to focus on getting better, do things that will benefit him and let nothing stop him. I think the talk we had with him yesterday, coupled with watching his team play today without him, and how good he felt after seeing Oscar, has helped pull him out of his slump.

I am not feeling great today, really exhausted. I know it's because I'm cursed with being a female :) We went and picked up Subway and went home. The plan was for Alex to watch Cassie so I could go to the gym but I HAD to take a nap. I haven't taken a nap in months. I fell asleep for a blissful 2 hours, blissful except that Cassie kept waking me up every 20 minutes to ask me when I was going to wake up, but I felt really good when I did get up. Vacuumed the house, then left for the gym.

Now I don't really enjoy running, but I burn more calories when I do and since I was by myself (poor Jessica is home with the flu) I figured I would just go for a bit an try to run. I haven't run in a week. After 2 minutes, I thought I was gonna die. My stamina was shot. I ended up running for 1 minute, walking fast for 1 minute, but I did it for a full 30 minutes. Walked for another 10 minutes and then went into the studio to stretch for 10 minutes. I cannot believe I am still sore from Tuesday's workout. I do feel better after exercising, so I am glad that I went even though it was tough today. I even had to go and get my second Starbucks of the day, and I haven't needed to do that for a couple of months.

I am really hoping that I feel better tomorrow. It is the Launch for Body Pump and Body Combat and both Alex and Kimi are teaching them. It's going to be so much fun and I have been looking forward to this for 3 weeks. Now I don't know if I will be able to keep up with them given how I feel. I need to wake up in the morning, pop a couple of Advil and plow through it. No excuses. I feel lucky to have two working, strong legs that can work out. Between my son and some friends with injuries, I should not complain about not being able to keep up. I am thankful I can be active.

Need to go to bed soon so I can get up early and psych myself up for a two hour workout. This is one of my two favorite days of the week. Sucks that I am not feeling it.

My Husband is the Greatest!

Today we had to have a talk with Alexander. His knee/groin injury is going on 7 weeks, he's been down and not consistent with his therapy. We understand its painful, but as a competitive soccer player, he's not showing the dedication and commitment to healing and strengthening that we expected. He keeps talking about what tournament he WON'T be ready for, or what team he WON'T play against. He wants to play and get better, but he doesn't do all his exercises daily. He spends more time complaining than buckling down and getting serious about his own recovery. We get that he is only 15. But he needs to get his head out of his butt and get moving if he wants to play soccer again. He expects everyone (physical therapist, doctor, chiropractor, massage therapist) to cure him with very little effort of his own.

So we talked to him about getting his head on straight, setting priorities, and visualizing himself playing and not to worry about WHEN it will happen, only that it WILL happen. I told him things happen for a reason. Its not what happens to you, its how you handle what happens to you. I related it to how I've never been able to lose weight and how it had to click inside of me. I found a fire burning in my belly and now I'm unstoppable. I make exercise and diet a priority. I schedule it. I work things around it. By being consistent, I have found how easy it is to keep it up. I want that for him too.

Then Franklin told him , "Look at Mom. Look how far she's come. When we lived in San Carlos (10 years ago) she was so weak she couldn't even lift a chair (I don't remember that!!). Look how strong she is now. She is dedicated and I have never, in the 27 years that I have known her, ever known her to be happy, really happy with her body and how she looks. I am so proud of her and you should be too."

Well ,at that I just burst into tears. I knew he was proud of me, but there was always an underlying doubt that he was suspicious of the reasons I wanted to lose weight, or who I was losing weight for. That doubt is gone now. When we got out of the car, he hugged me and we both cried. He again told me how proud of me he is, and I am so thankful for his support. He told me he wishes he had my dedication and commitment. I know now that when I run off to the gym, or make it a priority in my life, that he is behind me 100%. He is not the same 17 year old I met and fell in love with in 1983.

He is way better.

Purging

Today was the only day I had not scheduled anything specific. We planned to take Cassie to the movies during the day, and then tonight go to Morgan Hill to check in a soccer team for a tournament this weekend.

Since I have done virtually nothing all week in terms of housework or putting away laundry, in the morning, I decided to tackle all the clean laundry piled up in the bedroom. While working on that, I also started tackling all the clothes in my closet, and it turned into a 2 hour clothes purge. I tried on every pair of pants I came across, made Franklin be my fashion consultant, and got rid of an entire shopping bag full of pants and another of tops. I can count on him to REALLY tell me if my butt looks too big, or which pants showed unsightly rolls, and which ones made my butt look good (and finally, I saw some that really did make my butt look good, because my butt is looking better with all those damn squats and lunges I've been doing!!) I went through drawers, and finally got rid of some comfort clothes in sizes way too big that I had held onto. I realized that the longer I held on to these big clothes, the more I didn't give validation to my permanent weight loss. If I didn't get rid of these clothes, I didn't open the door for more to come to me in my correct size. I stopped saying "What if?" or "I really liked this and looked good in it before" because that person is not me anymore.

Then after we left to go to the movies, my friend Jennifer went through her clothes and left me a bag of size 14 pants. SCORE! I got 4 pairs that look really good on me. I then took out some size 16's that I have been wearing with a belt to hold them up and put them in the donation bag. My other friend Laurie had given me a bunch of her pants. Went through those and kept the best ones. All in all, I now have 7 or 8 pairs of pants that fit me well. Phew. I don't have to spend any money now, except maybe on a couple of tops. I am so excited! Starting at a size 20-22, and an 18 since January, this comfortable size 14 feels REALLY GOOD.

I am happy. More later.

Go with the FLOW

I love that I am at the point where I am comfortable trying new things. I wasn't really open to that before, at least not in the fitness arena. I went to UCSF today to take a class called Body Flow, which is Tai Chi, Pilates and Yoga. OMG!!!! I loved it. I have always loved yoga and how it makes me feel, but this was amazing. Maybe it's the point that I am at in my own fitness level, but I felt so much stronger than I have ever felt in a yoga class. Kimi, who is my Sunday instructor in RWC, taught the class and invited me as her guest. I am sad that I cannot take this class regularly because it is not offered locally and since I teach, I cannot go unless I have no school. I have been incredibly sore since Tuesday's maniacal classes with Alex, more sore than I have been in months, and this was just what I needed to stretch out those butt and leg muscles. Kimi is a phenomenal teacher and I had a great time. Going with the flow.

Then later in the afternoon I took Willi's Body Combat and kicked some more butt. I am done now! Tired and want to just vegetate a bit. Have a ton of shows on my DVR to watch, but for some reason I am never sitting down long enough to get through them. I will have to start deleting them because it's almost full!

I weighed in on Monday, lost a pound the last week. Even though I really have gotten to the point where I am not focusing on the pounds so much, or the end goal, just enjoying the ride, I still weigh in because that is one measure of my success. Well, after taking three intense classes in two days, I thought I would weigh in yesterday and see what effect all that exercise would have on my body during this week (TOM) (sorry guys) and was pleasantly surprised to see I lost 2 pounds!! Well, of course I had to post that on FB. After a lecture from Alex :) about muscle weight, inches, etc. etc. I know all this, I just have not fully lost my obsession with that damn scale since I see it every morning. WELL, I think it's going under the bed. Like an idiot, I got on it again today (don't know what I was thinking) and I am UP 4 POUNDS since yesterday!!! WTH???!!!!! Okay, point taken. I am not going to obsess. It made me mad but I know, yes I know, that this week in particular, I am gaining water weight, yada yada yada. Got to go with the flow. So to speak.

The good thing about all this exercise is I seem to handle this TOM easier when I am active. Hence the two classes today. I think I will take tomorrow off, although Jessica wants to go run at the gym in the morning and I may take her up on it after I drop Alexander off at school. Saturday I want to take Spin and then Sunday is the big launch of Body Pump and Body Combat! Can't wait, I know I'll be plenty sore again after that! If I can get through this week of excess water weight, then next week should be great!

I will have to seriously think about buying at least a couple items of new clothing, although I hate to spend the money right now. This week I am living in my workout clothes, but even one of my pants are loose and baggy and I noticed during Combat today that it makes me look fatter. For work, I have run out of things to wear and the pants I am wearing I have to use a belt - I look frumpy. At least my jeans, although loose, are not so bad. I wish I could buy one pair of pants and wear them to death so I don't have to spend the money. Oh well, I will just donate them when I am done with them. Go with the flow.

I can hardly believe that spring break is almost over. Most of it has been focused on me, and that's a first. Since Alexander is in school, I don't have to worry about him. Cassie has been on her regular schedule. Spent some alone time with Franklin. Got NO housecleaning or projects done. Yet I feel like I accomplished so much. Tomorrow will be a family day (minus big brother). That's what Cassie calls a day when she doesn't go to school or Oma's. Actually she told me it would be both - she wants to go to the movies with me and daddy, and then to Oma's. It was supposed to be a "date" day for me and Franklin, but who can resist a 4-1/2 year old asking to spend time with us? Won't last forever so I need to embrace it. And I have missed doing special things with her this week, but I needed to have MY spring break. And I did.

All in all a GREAT day. Going with the FLOW. :)

The Power in Strength

I worked out so hard tonight that I literally thought I was going to throw up. I felt sick to my stomach. I thought they only threw up on the Biggest Loser. Now I know what they feel like. But the crazy thing is, I worked out harder and more intensely tonight than I ever have. And I had SO MUCH FUN. There was a little drama surrounding Franklin taking the van to the city tonight for practice and I wanted to strangle someone at the thought of missing my favorite Tuesday classes. Super Jess to the rescue, picked me up and off we went. I am actually already sore - 2 hours later, so that tells me I worked out really hard. My legs, my butt, my shoulders, my upper back, my biceps and triceps. My entire body except my ears.

For the first time, and at the risk of sounding vain again, but you need to understand that I don't ever really look at myself in the mirror, not for very long anyway and not too closely. But tonight, especially as I lifted the bar during the biceps and shoulder tracks. Jessica pointed it out to me when I took off my hoodie, and I was actually embarrassed to look at myself. But during class, and I'm in the front now, I had no choice and for the first time, really was proud of what I saw.

Combat was the most crowded I have EVER seen it. I practically had my face shoved up against the front mirror! I have entered what Alex calls "the zone". I shared with him last week that I can hear his instructions, hear the music, but am focusing only on myself in the mirror and the movements. I tune out everyone around me. I think that's where I am supposed to be. The cardio is so intense. I tried to step it up a notch, jumping higher, raising my knees higher as we ran, punching harder. I literally felt like my heart was going to explode. I even told Alex under my breath that I hated him and wanted to kill him! That's true dedication :) The truth is, as an instructor, he is the one that motivates me to work harder. Yes, I have discovered an internal determination that spurs me on, and a desire to change my body and my life, but without the right instructor, it makes that part of the journey so much harder. Thank you Alex. I know I tell you that weekly.

I really felt strong tonight. It felt so good. I felt invincible. Now I feel wiped out. During class I couldn't see straight. I still can't see straight. Time for bed. I think a couple of Advil are in order. I have a very strong suspicion that I am going to wake up in pain tomorrow. And I know that it's gonna be a great day.

Is it a crime to feel this good?!

I know its not, but I can't ever remember feeling so good for an extended period of time. Not like this. A true feeling of happiness. And not externally, either. My chiropractor yesterday told me I found a "New Normal". I like that. Franklin told me today that he hopes I don't get burned out and quit. I know I've done that in the past but this feels so totally different. The drive and motivation I feel right now is fun, not a chore. I don't dread going to work out. I don't have a "goal" in mind, like ___ lbs by summer, or to wear ___.

I bought a new workout top and short sleeved hoodie today. In WHITE. White is not a fat person color. Granted, they are tops and not bottoms. If I ever dare to wear white pants, it will be like the second coming. But I put this new workout top on, and its so fitted that I feel weird. Then I put the hoodie on, and ZIPPED it.

I have never, as a fat person, ever really zipped anything. You wear it loose and baggy. Covers more up that way. And makes you look thinner. So I put these two new items on, zip up and go, and have already been told by my sister, mother and the hairdresser how skinny I look. I have never equated skinny = me in any way, shape or form. Still cracks me up because I am not skinny. Far from it. I definitely feel skinnier, thinner. And I'm amazed at how wearing these whites on top do make me look thinner. I thought only black did that. Go figure.

Great first day of Spring Break

Today was a great day. Other than the fact that I woke up at 5 am AGAIN. I don't know what's going on. I keep waking up at 3, 4 or 5 in the morning. I am NOT a morning person. Never have been. Don't want to be. But here I am waking up at these ungodly hours of the morning. I didn't expect to sleep in on spring break. Alexander is in school so he needs to be there by 8am. Cassie is in school Tues and Thurs. Plus I have appointments scheduled, etc. But 5am is ridiculous.

Spent the day going to the chiropractor, then lounged around the house with Franklin until we had to do our taxes. Getting a smaller refund than last year, and owe the state since they raised their taxes to recover their debt. Whatever. We are still ahead, although I will have to teach summer school to make it through the summer now.

We took Alexander to a sports massage person who poked, prodded, massaged, pulled and rubbed his injuries. He was in a ton of pain but walked out of there feeling better than he walked in. Progress.

The highlight of my day was going to the gym for Body Combat. After sitting on my butt so much yesterday, I had the intense desire to MOVE around. And this time, Alexander decided he wanted to come!! He could do the treadmill and the bikes while I was in my class. I had this really HAPPY feeling, so strange, that he was coming with me. Not so much because we don't do much with just the two of us anymore, because of soccer and the fact that he's a cool teenager that doesn't spend time with Mommy, but the fact that I consider myself not an athlete, not yet, but physically active, and this was a chance to show him what I do at the gym. He could walk on the treadmill while I was in my class and he could see what I do.

Well, talk about being distracted. After my class started, I looked up to check on him about 15 minutes in, and he was not on the treadmill. I spent the next 45 minutes of class looking for him whenever we were in between sets, or getting a sip of water. Couldn't find him anywhere! Where in the world could he have gone? He wasn't on the bike, the treadmill.

When class ended, I was talking to Yesenia and Kristen, waiting for him. I ended up having to walk around the entire gym looking for him, then I went outside. After another round around the gym, I find him talking to Willi,the instructor. He said he was there the whole time! Yeah right. Later I find out he was in the bathroom looking at his abs. He had spent a little time on the treadmill, the bike for 5 minutes, the elliptical for 5 minutes, then did abs and pull ups the rest of the time. Have to get that 6 pack. Oh boy. He wants me to add him on to my gym membership. He said he would commit to coming at least twice a week with me. It was just strange how happy I was to come and go with him! I guess something to help us bond, crazy that it's exercise!

Now I'm feeling kinda blah and am ready for bed. Can't wait for my favorite 2 classes tomorrow night. Hope this blah feeling is just because I am tired.

Am I sick??!! (in the head)

Today is Easter Sunday. We went to my brother Ron's in Roseville for Easter. I was looking forward to spending time with my family, and Cassie was so excited to go on an Easter egg hunt and see her cousins.

Because it is Sunday, I missed my usual Sunday classes, Body Combat and Body Pump. One of my two favorite days of the week. I know it is a family day. I couldn't help be really peeved that I couldn't work out. Well, maybe not peeved, but I felt so off for the early part of the day. I kept looking at the clock during the 9-11 am time period and thinking: "Oh now they are doing THIS part of the routine, or THAT part of the routine." I had this very unsettling, anxious, even depressed feeling driving north, and when 11am hit, it went away.

What is wrong with me that I can't even enjoy NOT going to the gym for a day? On a holiday? Come on. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but I truly enjoy my early Sunday mornings now, when before I would just sleep in. Am I really that obsessed with exercise that I can't even go a day? I didn't work out Thursday or Friday this past week, and while I missed it, I didn't have the same feeling that I did today. Maybe because its the classes I enjoy so much, and this is one of my two priority days that I haven't missed in months.

Then I drove both ways, there and back. It was about 2-1/2 hours there, which wasn't so bad. But on the way back, the rain was SO heavy, and I really do despise freeway driving since my gravel truck accident. The traffic was so bad. It took 1-1/2 hours just to get from Roseville to Vacaville - normally 45 minutes. We had to stop twice for pit stops, and it took 4 hours. Franklin slept part of the way and offered to drive halfway back but it was just easier to keep going. Now I wish I had let him because sitting on my ass for 6-1/2 hours today was brutal. Not that it would have been any better if he had driven; I still was inactive for most of my day and I am not used to that. Now I need to make sure I make it to Combat tomorrow night, not my usual night, but because I missed today. Last time I did Combat two nights in a row, I hurt my shoulder. I will just have to be careful tomorrow.

Probably the best part of today, personally, besides the family time, was the fact that I felt good with how I looked. I was wearing an outfit that was not plus size in any way! My pants were my first pair of goal pants, in a regular size, bought at the GAP. I bought them with Jessica's expert fashion guidance in early February, wanted to be in them comfortably by my birthday on Feb 25 but they were still snug. Today they fit perfectly, if not a tad loose. I have never been able to wear pants from the GAP. They didn't carry plus sizes. And the tank was a present from Jessica from JCrew, size Medium. HELLO??!! I don't think I have ever worn a medium. And my purple thing (I don't know what it's called) was a large, not XL or XXL. Wow. The pants made my stomach look flatter, even though it is far from it. And I actually took some pictures that I am proud of. My favorite is posted above, with Franklin. I received multiple compliments from family, and that felt great. It is pretty vain, but I felt good about myself today and that sparks something inside of me to keep going, to keep working.

Now I need to go soak in a hot tub, and go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. But I am on SPRING BREAK and don't have to go to work. Aaaaahhh.

Why now???!!!

The last few weeks I have been trying to figure out what has changed so much that it all seems to be clicking NOW. Why not the last 25 years??!! Or 35??!! Face it, I have been overweight since I was a child. Family used to tell me "Oh, you would be so pretty if you weren't so fat." My god, don't ever tell that to a child. That sticks with you for a lifetime. Elementary school was torture. I could never wear the cool clothes that were in when I was in 4th-8th grade. Dittos? Yeah, right. You had to have a small butt to wear those. Add to it the fact that my hair was a frizzy, curly mess. Thank god there are hair products now or I would still look like that. I had my group of friends, but I hid my shame in being a good student. A reader. Not one that enjoyed exercise or was even good at it.

In 4th grade, I don't know what ever possessed me to join the basketball team. I doubt my parents forced me. They were too busy working and fighting and my dad was the consummate couch potato/junk food eater. I must have had a moment of clarity and thought "Why not? I could do this." Well, I don't remember much about that season or even who was on the team with me, but I do remember not being very good. That was the end of organized sports for me. Which cracks me up that I have an athlete for a son. Thank God! Hopefully Cassie will be one too.

In high school, I was thinner but I never ever ever saw myself as thin. The hair improved maybe a bit, thanks to Desiree, my best friend, who was cooler than me and much better looking. Still, even though I had a boyfriend from Sophomore year on, I battled my weight. At his soccer games, and he STILL tells this story, I missed him getting in a fight and a black eye on the field because I was reading a book! I was, and still am, an avid reader and will never apologize for that. But I lost myself in books and school rather than be active.

Over the years, I yo-yo'd with my weight, dieting, walking, never liking to sweat or exercise, and guess what? It always came back. In 2001 when I began teaching, I lost 4o pounds in 4 months and thought "Whoo hoo!" but Franklin always said I looked sick and something was wrong. I attributed it to the fact that I was bringing my lunch to school, not overeating, and kept busy all day in the kindergarten classroom. I remember at my brother Steve's 2nd wedding, I was so thin (no wait, never THIN, just thinner) and all the compliments I got from my family made me feel really good. But I was nervous, jittery, bitchy, my heart would race. It wasn't until I saw my OBGYN for my annual that she looked right at me and told me my thyroid was enlarged. I said "What the hell is a thyroid?!" Turned out I was severely hyperthyroid and was diagnosed with Grave's disease. That's another long story, but suffice it to say that my endocrinologist told me I would put all the weight back on. I flat out told him I would never. Well, honey, never say never. It took a couple of years, but sure enough, I gained back the 40 pounds and a few more. I refused to radiate my thyroid, which would have put me on thyroid meds the rest of my life. I refused everything except the meds, and even those I gave up after a few years. Alternative medicine, acupuncture, spiritual work and now, I have been in remission for several years, no medication at all and was able to have Cassie 4 years ago. Man, I am way off track with what I started to write about.

I have been waking up in the middle of the night lately, my mind is racing with all these new changes in my life and my body. I think I am just trying to process WHY NOW. What has changed? I always wanted to lose weight, I always thought I could, I always had a reason to do it, I always believed it could be possible. I've always been told I could do it. I've tried and it worked, to a point. But what is so different now that it finally, truly, REALLY clicked? It feels so different now. It's not the same focus and determination I have had in the past. Two years ago I was in the gym 4-5 days a week, getting toned, and then was sidetracked by a car accident on the freeway when a gravel truck hit Cassie and I and totalled the car. We were lucky to walk away but I had back and neck injuries that had me in therapy for 6 months and away from the gym. Amazing how quickly you can lose your muscle tone, when it takes so long to build it up. I only gained 8 pounds in those 6 months, and I probably could have gone back to the gym sooner but I was afraid of re-injuring myself. And my focus waned.

Then in Feb. 2009, Franklin's family decided to do a Biggest Loser challenge. Boy, say "challenge" to me and it sets me on fire. We all weighed in once a week, and I was determined to win the $300 pot we all put in. I came in 2nd, not bad, lost to Frank who all he had to do was cut out his carbs and he dropped a ton of weight. That challenge kept me going, although my weight loss slowed, and the gym time was inconsistent. That has always been my problem, being consistent. I am a true procrastinator, and can find a reason to get out of anything unpleasant. I talk a good talk, but proof is in the pudding. Well, after that BL challenge, I actually never gained that weight back, but slowly lost over the next year. In December 2009 Jessica and I started going back to the gym somewhat regularly. THEN......

January 2010: My principal started a Principal's Challenge. The staff could choose to participate or not, share their personal goals or not, but make a commitment to get healthier as she did for her recent wedding. There goes the word CHALLENGE again. Lit that proverbial fire under my ass and I was off. I set a goal of 10 pounds and gym time 3 days a week. Even though I wanted more, I was afraid of failing again and not making my goal, this time in front of my peers. But something changed. I started wearing a pedometer and walking with other teachers at recess and lunch. I started really paying attention to what went in to my body. I had such a great support system around me, Lori for the diet, Jessica for the exercise, friends and family on Facebook with their constant support of me as I posted details about my weight loss and fitness accomplishments. I started drinking more water. I started logging all my food and water intake and logging my exercise daily. I started going consistently to my favorite classes at the gym, and bringing my gym bag to work so that I could change after my students left and go straight to the gym before I picked up the kids. My gym instructors noticed my determination and gave me support and motivation and advice. I started losing weight but more importantly, inches and people started noticing.

Then a couple of weeks ago, people started telling me their stories and asking me what I was doing. Bank tellers, friends, coworkers, family. HUH??!! Asking me for advice? What the hell do I know? I'm just plugging along. And then I had my AHA!!! Now I know what is different about this time. I have always "believed" I could do it. I have always been told I could do it.

NOW I FINALLY BELIEVE IT. For the first time in my LIFE, I have not an ounce of doubt in my mind that I can do this. Those aren't just words. My very gut, my soul, my everything, believes that. The exercise is the key. I never would have believed it. I have never been an athlete. I have never liked exercise. I never felt strong. This makes me teary because I have rarely felt this strong a conviction about anything so personal and internal. It's not the kids, or family. It's ME.

NOW I LOVE IT. What the hell happened? I don't care. I love it. I need it. I crave it. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel strong. I get pissy if I don't get to work out for a day or two. I have made exercise a priority. I schedule it. I get childcare. I don't let soccer take priority. I am a priority. The family has adjusted. I now have this urge to try new things, when I would normally shy away from anything that was not comfortable and familiar. Now I crave something different. I'll do a different post on that later. This one has gotten ridiculously long.

I see it. I believe it. I love myself and know I deserve this. I want this. I crave this. I know I can do it. I have no doubt. And now I'm crying.

Man, this is fun.

My first mobile post. Just trying to see if I can send a post to my blog from my blackberry.

A New Beginning

Today marks an important day for me; the ability to document my journey, my metamorphosis from the old me to the new and improved me. I have always been a person who likes to journal; that was always an emotional outlet for me but it has always been hard to do consistently. Now I find that I have an intense need to document what I am going through with my new lifestyle changes and I know that writing with a pen and paper will not be sufficient for me; my mind has so much to get out that typing will be the only way for my fingers to keep up with my brain. So, my friend Jessica has helped me set up this blog so that I can write to my heart's content.

I am really doing this for myself, to be able to remember the way this whole journey feels. I wish that I had thought to start this a long time ago. I started my journey in January 2008 and have been eating better and working out very inconsistently; it's only been since January 2010 when my principal started a challenge that something clicked inside me and I have had focus and determination like I never knew I had.

I am so excited to be able to finally be able to write about how I am feeling and what I am going through. My friends will probably be very happy to not have me talk their ears off all the time!