Sigh. I need to learn how to trust. I am now in possession of my very first BodyPump class video, since last night and have been unable to look at it. Freaked all day at the thought if watching it, looking at myself, listening to me teach. The thought made me sick to my stomach.
Guys don't really get it. Not really. Sorry. How can they? Women understand. There's no way a woman can look at herself in a video and NOT find something about herself to criticize. At least I haven't met one who could.
Well, tonight I bit the proverbial bullet and pushed play. After spending the first two minutes watching through my hands like I was watching a horror movie, Cassie walked over and said,"You look really good Mommy!" and I put my hands down and started watching. And watching.
I have in my hands a list of things Alex saw and the suggestions he had for improvement. Little things, but by god as I'm watching, it's like a switch turned on inside of me and I went from "oh look at how fat I look" to almost an impartial observer who could literally see all the pointers Alex was talking about. It was the WEIRDEST THING. I had not expected to be able to look objectively at myself. And sure, I still picked up on the fact that my boobs sag and I turn away from the camera in between tracks to turn off the music and Hullo Hullo BUTT, right in the camera, but really, I was able to see, notice, observe and completely, 100% agree with everything Alex said. This is why I adore this man and our friendship. He sees things that I don't see in myself and forces me to see them, to which I respond accordingly and make adjustments. Really, last night's class was way better than this video from 3 days ago. I get it.
Now I can't wait to tape again Sunday so I can show him, and myself, that I DO listen.....I just have to make a fuss first. It's just my way.
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