Anxious

Sigh. It's almost 6:30am and I have been awake, laying in bed, since 5:00, not able to fully go back to sleep. Keep thinking about the taping today, my cueing, how FLAT I sounded in my video and wanting to put some energy into it without sounding false and ridiculous. It's funny because I really thought after seeing my video the other day that I was over the anxiousness that I felt last Sunday. Now that I know what I need to work on, I truly felt ready to apply the feedback and do it better. I did do it, on Tuesday and Thursday. So why is it that I think it will be different today?

Of course, there's always the fact that I will be filmed that raises the level of anxiety a bit. I know that I won't have the same qualms about watching it as I did last week. This has been such an emotional rollercoaster week for me and I think that contributes to how I am feeling right now. Plus, Alexander has had strep, I'm feeling exhausted, haven't had a working washer and dryer, testing coming up in school.....lots of other stressors happening around me that I have no control over and I tend to feel overwhelmed when that happens.

I need to nail a video down so that I can send it in and feel like I've accomplished and completed something. I just don't know how many more times it's going to take before Alex feels like it's acceptable to submit. Then I can focus on all the other stuff happening and get through it. Not that sending in the video means I am done; I just mean that pressure can be lifted, I can have fun just teaching my classes, and I can put some energy into school and getting ready for report card time yet again.

I'm going to watch the DVD one more time again now and try to get some inspiration and motivation from them to add to my class. It's so hard, though, to want to turn up the energy but feel like it's false or over the top because my class is so damned quiet......thank goodness for Stephanie and the others who will respond when I ask....I just remember how vocal we all were for Alex and Kimi's classes and wonder what it is.....is it me? The group? They are all too new to BP and don't know we like to Turn it UP? Sigh. Maybe in time, as I get more confident, they will too.

Yesterday marked 2 months since this part of my journey began. December 5, passed the BodyPump module, and then freight train speed ahead......practicing and learning choreography, auditioning and getting hired by 24Hour Fitness, getting not one but two classes in less than a week, the launch, teaching, taping. When I stop and think about where I was a mere 2 months ago, and where I am today.....it never fails to boggle my mind. So I know I need to cut myself some slack. Give myself a break. It is happening SO fast......and I am able to enjoy it, but I need to keep in mind......I am in this for FUN. Not for the money. Although I did get my first ever paycheck last week. Remembered that, oh yeah, I get paid for this, and had to ask for my check. Turned out we had gotten paid a week before that......maybe I should just get direct deposit so I don't forget. I truly am doing this because I love it. The money is a bonus. I have to really try to learn patience. Rome wasn't built in a day. I am not going to be built in a couple of months. It will take time, experience, feedback, practice, time, time time and I WILL get there. It's just my nature to want to get there NOW.

Gonna try to sleep a bit more....but keeping the laptop close by in case I just need to watch the DVD instead.

Wish me luck.