I have so much running through my head right now that I don't think I have the time or the brain power to put it all down. It's been an incredibly emotional roller coaster this past month.....good times.....not so good times......things that should be written down for posterity.....things that should be kept private. I'm not so good at the private things.....I'm the kind of person who needs to get things out. I literally explode at the seams and am not good at keeping things in. I need to talk it out, whether it's something I'm feeling, something I'm going through, or something I need/want/have to do. This could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. I've always thought it better to share, either to someone or written out in a journal. This blog has become my personal journal in so many ways, documenting my thoughts and dreams and experiences on this long journey that has become my life.
I have to say December has been a very busy month, with too many things to do, and way too many distractions. I look at the clock right now - 10:20 on the last day of the year - and not only do I wonder where this month went, but I wonder where this year went. I think back to where I was last NYE - in fact I just read my blog from that day. Not only did I document the incredible year I had in 2010, but I reflected on the past decade. This year has been no less incredible in my journey to a better me. 2010 was the year it all STUCK. The year it all MADE SENSE. It was a year of growth, and discovery.
Exactly a year ago today, I became an official 24 Hour Fitness employee. It was incredibly humbling and exciting to think that I was about to be a BodyPump instructor. Here is what I wrote in that blog one year ago:
"It is so exciting to me to think about 2011. The first year of the second decade of the new millennium. Okay, whatever. It's a new year, and for the first time in my life, probably, I am really, truly certain that this year is going to be phenomenal. I'm always hopeful, always wish that the next year will be better than the last. But for the first time, I feel it in my gut. I can't help but be absolutely certain that it will be because I have witnessed a year that exceeded my wildest dreams."
"I am a lucky woman, but also one that has rediscovered that I am not afraid of hard work, not afraid of putting myself out there. The only thing getting in the way was me, and I am not afraid anymore. Yes, I have frequent freak out moments. But I find it works for me. I need to voice the fear, feel reassurance, then face it head on and plow right through it. It takes hard work, consistency, drive, dedication, determination, blood, sweat, tears, laughter, teasing, embarrassment, pain, pain and more pain, but a whole lot of FUN FUN FUN. I don't think, looking back at the year, that I would trade any bit of what I went through. I don't think I would change or alter any of my experiences."
"I am hopeful, excited, thankful, grateful for every person I have met, for every sore muscle I have had, for every tear I have shed. I am alive, I am loved, and I love."
It brings tears to my eyes to read my words, my sense of passion and determination. I feel no less at this moment. This year, 2011, truly WAS all those things above. This year WAS better than the last. It was the year that I truly put myself out there, as an instructor, a teacher, a mentor. I made so many mistakes, made so many bloopers, cried a ton of tears, stuck my foot in my mouth countless times, laughed at myself, kicked myself, tore some hair out, scratched my eyeballs out and then put them back, had others kick the crap out of me......and I am still standing. I am a better person for it, a better instructor. The incredible growth I have experienced in 12 short months ASTOUNDS me. Truly. I still have a long way to go to be the kind of instructor I want to be. But really? I look at my video from Feb 2011. I have come a long way. I am more confident and can handle the little roadbumps that are constantly in my way, just a little easier than I could a year ago.
I have 4 classes, each one special and dear to my heart in its own way.
*My Thursday class: My very first ever. Special to me because it was my very first class on the schedule. This past week, as I wished them a Happy New Year at the end of the cool down, I shared with them how special they are to me as my first class, and how some have been with my since the beginning of the year, and some are brand new, but each one has shown growth, and strength, and how honored I am to teach them each week. Did my eyes stay dry? Nope.
*My Sunday class: special to me because it was not on the schedule, but several members went to the manager and asked specifically for a Sunday class taught by me, and he obliged. This class was created for me and for that reason, is very dear to my heart. I have a regular group of 20-25 members who are grateful to have a BP class on Sunday, one of only 3 I believe on the Peninsula. I am happy to be there each and every Sunday. It has its own energy.....and is the only class not sandwiched between two others and it just makes the whole class feel more relaxed and not so frenetic.
*My Tuesday class: special to me because it was my 3rd class and consistently is the largest class each week and while many of the regular members come to my other classes, the energy in this packed class is like no other. It's always a fun group, like all the others, but it's always a gamble to see if we have enough equipment to go around. My Tuesday members are used to sharing with their neighbors!
*My Saturday class: my one and only class at Pacific Athletic Club, one that has grown since May when I began, and is very different from my 24Hr classes, but just as fun to teach to. The members have been very welcoming, the numbers have grown steadily over time, and it is a nice facility. Today, I shared with them for the first time, my before (2007) picture and my after (2011) picture. I told them how special today is: it would have been my father's 78th birthday, and how fitting it is that today I close this year out teaching my all time favorite class. How because my dad died of complications from diabetes, my eyes were opened to the train wreck my life had become and because of what he went through, I decided to make a change. How I walked into my first BP class and it changed my life, and how honored I am to be teaching this class on Dad's birthday, because it all goes back to him and why I decided to change. I couldn't get through it with out crying, but quickly composed myself and had a fantastic last class of 2011. Many people came to me after to see the pictures, to congratulate me on a job well done, but what I remember most was the new participant in the back of the class that I connected with throughout the workout, and her smile at the end. I hope I was able to give her a fun class that she will come back to. And the couple that came to me to ask me how many calories they burned during class, and talked about weight training with me. My son, walking in to the end of the class and overhearing this conversation, and telling me later how strange it was to hear me talking to people in an "instructor" capacity. It was a memorable way to finish my first year as a BodyPump instructor. I thought he was criticizing me - but he stopped me and told me how cool it was to hear me in that capacity. Wow.
I end this year with the opportunity to help someone very close to me make some big life changes. My husband. He has had some health challenges this past week that has brought us closer together, as a couple and as a family, and while it has been emotional, scary, frustrating and unnerving, it has also been eye opening, enlightening, and exactly what he needed to make some serious changes. I know that 2012 is going to be instrumental for him and for all of us, and I am prepared to support, mentor and guide him through whatever comes.
So much more reflecting is in order...but it's getting late and will have to wait. I have a new playlist to practice for my special Sunday class tomorrow. The first of 2012. My second year as an instructor. I am so excited to see how I grow, where I go, who I'll meet.
I am so fortunate to have a family who loves and supports me, friends who are patient with me (I had hoped to see and spend time with several friends this break but family calls, and family is first. I hope they understand that things happened out of my control and I hope to have time in the very near future to catch up).
Happy New Year to all who read this blog, who comment regularly via email, who support and love me no matter what drivel I write here. I love each and every one of you. Here's to a MAGNIFICENT 2012.
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