Throw Me A Nibble......

And I'll bite. 

I'm kinda amazed at how much a little praise does for my self esteem. I mean, am I that desperate for approval from others? I have so many supporters, and everyone has been so great in terms of cheering me on, telling me I am doing a great job, saying how proud they are of me, giving me advice on how to improve and get better. And I appreciate each and every comment and piece of advice. It will only make me a better instructor, so I welcome the good with the bad.

But today, I received an email from the Area General X Manager who hired me. She was in my class for the first two tracks last night, and while I was curious about what she thought, I didn't think much of it today.

Until I received this email and literally my heart started pounding, and that stupid grin that appears on my face every time I finish teaching a class crept it's way to my lips. I had to copy it here because it literally made my day.

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Hi Kristy,
Nice to see you last night in San Mateo, thank you for subbing the Bodypump class.
You do a great job delivering your initial cues making it easy for members to understand and follow your class. You also demonstrate excellent alignment and form.
I am very excited to have you on our team, I look forward to having you teach more for us in the future!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know it's a little thing, but coming from her, as my "boss", well, it did something for me. It made me stupidly giddy. I really didn't expect to get any feedback from her, but as Franklin said, if she is a good manager, she would acknowledge an employee that she sees doing a good job. I just didn't feel like I did great last night, what with my errors (that she didn't see, thank goodness!)

Now, as a brand spanking new instructor, this means a lot to me. As a brand new instructor who still, apparently, deep down, has doubts about whether or not I could really be good at this, it is huge. I was reading the email to Franklin and started crying. WTH?? I am amazed at how much crying I have done since training to be a BodyPump instructor. Is this part of the deal?

People have so much confidence in me. And to an extent, I have confidence too, although not nearly what others see in me. I suppose that will come with time. And while it's so nice to have validation, which apparently I really need, there is still that niggling little bit of self doubt deep down.......having such awesome role models can be intimidating when trying to follow in their foot steps, fill their shoes. I will never be an Alex or a Kimi. I am really okay with that. I will be me, but of course, with mentors like that, I want to be like them but it will never happen. I can only hope to be the best instructor I can be, with my own style, my own brand of Les Mills fun. 

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that even though I will never be as good as they are, it doesn't mean I won't be good at this. After each class, I feel better about how I did. Having Stephanie at each class is like having my own personal evaluator, in a good way! She gives me honest feedback, compares that class to the one before, tells me what I did great, what I can improve on, and keeps me focused on the big picture. The kind of coaching she did with running.

I still beat myself up for the stupid little mistakes. Even though I have only taught 3 solo classes, I have been "doing" this class for so long that I have such high expectations of what I should already be like. I think it's natural. At least, I HOPE it's natural. I hope I can cut myself some slack because I know there will come a class that bombs way more than my first. It's how I recover from it that counts. I'm also hoping that because I am "experienced" in BP that I will "GET" this sooner than if I were a true beginner.

So even though I receive and appreciate praise, I need to learn to not listen to that self doubting part of me. Unless that part of me is what is keeping me humble. I don't ever want to lose that, because I feel like getting to do this job is such a privilege. To help change people's lives and bodies, to be a small part of that, is an honor. If I can inspire and motivate even one person, I will have served my purpose.

I am so tired. My brain hurts. I think WAY too much now. Why is that? 

I think because I have never been a truly outgoing person. I can make friends easily but have always been reserved and shy when it comes to unfamiliar social situations. At parties, Franklin can talk to anyone, and I have always felt very uncomfortable meeting new people. So I think that is why I feel so damned giddy when I finish a class.

I have NEVER ever EVER put myself out there like that, in front of a group of mostly strangers, looking at me, at my body, having to speak and motivate. I mean, I am a teacher, and can speak in front of parents at Back to School Night or meetings, but this is totally different. I'm moving, in ways that I cannot see because I can't look at myself in the mirror! My butt is facing the mirror. Don't think I don't think about that during class. I DO. The fact that everyone person in the room can see my butt as I squat and lunge and I can't see what I look like really gets to me. I can't check my hair, see if I look like a dork, nothing. It's kind of disconcerting. I'm used to looking at myself in the mirror (for my FORM) during class. I have to trust now that I can FEEL that my form is good since I can't check it myself.

As a person who struggled with weight issues, having people look at my BODY.....I don't know if I will EVER get used to that.

Which I think is really why I was totally floored at the email I received. She could see my form and I couldn't, yet she said I showed excellent form. I haven't had that type of confirmation yet. I suppose the real test will be when Alex comes to video tape me. While I am looking forward to it, I am not because I will be so nervous to have him critique me in that way. Sigh. One of these days I will get over it.

Off to bed. Like I said, my brain hurts from all this thinking. I am thrilled, beyond happy at the feedback from my manager. It made my day to hear it from someone who doesn't know me, really, at all.

Yippee!