Of relaxing. I confirmed that today.
Oh, I can sit down. I can appear to relax. I can even nap. Sometimes. But fully relax and enjoy a day off? Not so much.
I was beginning to feel like I was coming down with something yesterday. I had just been telling my coworkers at lunch that I was feeling like this month I would need to take a day to just stay home under a blanket and do nothing but watch tv and nap all day. That it was too early in the school year to be feeling like i needed a day for ME. Then after school, when I was putzing around the classroom getting nothing done I realized I needed a day like that ASAP. I felt a headache coming on, felt almost feverish and warm but I wasn't, I just felt off and knew I needed to take the day now. I've been teaching a lot of BodyPump and after 6 days in a row, I was dead tired. I needed to take a day off when I didn't have anything planned after school. So I spent an hour doing sub plans, calling in my friend Lynne and relished in the fact that I was going to stay home.
I knew I could not let on to Cassie that I was going to stay home. She has recently gotten better with the morning transitions and does not cry anymore, so I knew if she knew I was going to be home she'd have a cow and want to stay home with me. That meant I had to get up and get dressed and appear to take Alex to school as usual, which I did. Franklin called in as well and we were just going to relax and enjoy the day, catch up on sleep, etc. Franklin got up and took Cassie to school and then we met back at home after I hit Starbucks. We sat down, he on the sofa and me in my comfy chair under a blanket, and put on a DVR show and......we both conked out. I woke a couple of times, but to my shock, when I fully woke up it was almost 1:00!! Um......really??!! I never sleep like that unless I'm sick! Franklin was out also, and I finally woke him up at almost 2:00!! At that point, Alex needed to be picked up as wednesdays are his early days, and Cassie gets out at 2:30. There went the day. Cripes. At least I knew I wasn't coming down with a cold. I was just sleep deprived.
Alex got a ride home, and although Franklin offered to get Cassie and take her to my moms so I could still rest, I knew she'd be thrilled if we both picked her up so off we went and she was very excited to see me. We went out to lunch (since the two of us hadn't eaten all day and we were starving). Then we went home, homework was completed, story read, and I could have sat down to read or do nothing but that inner demon in me came out and I looked around and could not sit because there was too much to do. I had sworn I would not do a dish or a load of laundry or anything remotely resembling housework on MY day off.
Someone needs to kick me in the butt. I couldn't do it. Immediately, as I picked up toys, vacuumed the floor, looked around and saw the neglect that has taken over my house since school began and life got intensely crazy......I felt my blood pressure rise. Every little thing I found out of place made me crazy, and trust me, there's a lot out of place right now. Putting the finishing touches on Cassie's birthday party for Friday night also had to be done, thinking about the launch this weekend.....and then remembering that I had to leave the house again because Alex had to be at school to be a part of the incoming freshman parent night (he was presenting on a student panel to the parents as Junior Class VP) and needed to be there from 6:30-8:00. Luckily the president lives across the street and so she gave him a ride and after Franklin left for soccer practice, Cassie and I left for mom's to drop off something and then to the school because I wanted to see him on the panel.
Cassie and I get to a packed school and it was standing room only in the Performing Arts Center. I saw the kids waiting to enter for their part and found out this thing wouldn't end till around 8:30. Sigh. So much for getting home earlier so I could finish all the crap that still needed to be done. I've decided to give up making lunches for the boys. They are big enough and I need one less thing to do in the evenings. Otherwise I'm going to explode.
I videotaped Alex's intro speech and he was a bit nervous but I'm proud of how he did. He also answered a question about soccer, homework and AVID. He and his friends did a great job. It's so strange to see how far they have all come and how quickly they are growing. They mentioned the middle schools they attended and it seems like yesterday when their voices were cracking and they looked so mature up there. Next year? Graduation. Damn I'm getting old.
So my whole point of this entry is I am incapable of relaxing. I mean, even though it was not a wasted day off by any means, as I caught up on some obviously much needed sleep. It wasn't enough to just enjoy that fact. No, I had to still do the kind of chores that make me cranky, get stressed about how packed my evenings always seem to be, and let that stress come out and piss everyone around me off. I wanted a day where I didn't have to leave the house. I didn't
get it and that makes me resentful. Natural, right? No, I need a better way to handle the frustration that comes with everyday life and how to manage my time. Yes, exercise helps me immensely with this, but that is also part of the problem. Teaching three nights a week, although temporary, has left little time at home to do my wifely/motherly duties. Usually it's twice a week during the school week. But it's not something I'm willing to give up and so I need to find a better way to handle it all.
I'm also about to add a bit more to my plate with some certification studying. Important for me moving forward but stressful thinking about the time I need to put aside to study. Sigh.
Relax? Guess that will have to wait till I'm dead.
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