Today Could Be Day One

It's been an exhausting couple of days. I don't think I can write about it all yet. Still too fresh, too many emotions swirling around.

Yesterday was the four year anniversary of my dad's death. It was overshadowed by the death of a close friend, our son's former coach, Franklin's mentor and friend, Salvador early yesterday. Strangely, his death from a heart attack has brought up similar feelings with me that I had after dad died - health related, life's too short, fears surrounding health choices being made by my family members.....and today I woke up and refocused my own diet and hopefully will be able to get a handle on it again.

I had a very vivid dream last night. I found some photos of me taken by my sister in law when we went to the beach the day after dad's death. Exactly 4 years ago today. I have some "before" pictures, but for some reason, these were a bit more shocking. Now, while I didn't have my epiphany that same day, I do now consider that day the day I began my journey. I say this because it was dad dying from complications of diabetes, along with lifelong poor health choices and inactivity that motivated me FINALLY to do something. To do something about my own lifelong poor habits, my own inactivity. I didn't walk into my first BodyPump class until about 6 months later, but from the time dad died until that point, my mind was thinking, planning, getting a grip on things that had never "stuck" before.

So my dream was that I printed this particular picture out and took it to my BodyPump class tonight to share with my participants. I've been feeling very reflective these last couple of days and I dreamt that I shared a brief portion of my story with my class. Today, I posted that picture on FaceBook and so many people were supportive. I decided to do what I dreamt about - I printed that picture, brought some tape and before class, shared it with a couple of people. Several members knew my story - either from Gold's or are my FB friends. But there are 30 more people in my class and I have this urge right now to inspire, maybe reach a few more people. Let people know that it's a journey, it's one day at a time, one class at a time. If I can do it, so can they.

I set up for class and before I started, I announced to them that I don't normally share personal info like this to the whole class but I was feeling reflective and told them about my dads anniversary yesterday, and how his death was due to poor health choices and how it inspired me to make my own changes. I began shaking as I spoke, then turned the picture around and showed them. I told them I walked into my first BP class about 6 months after that picture was taken, told them it was taken four years ago today, and when I did, the back row started applauding, which then made everyone clap and I and taped it up on the wall behind me. I almost started crying, but told them that BP changed my life, and it's been a process but worth every step. I then had them pick up their bars and told them that in light of what I just told them, I wanted them to challenge themselves a bit tonight - go a little heavier, squat a little deeper, go a little longer.

I guess I talked a bit too much because class went a bit late tonight. I also had several bloops but I think I was thinking so much about how much I just opened myself up. After class, so many people came up to look up close at my picture, ask me how much weight I had lost, did I diet, etc. Even after I finally got out of the Group X room, I had people asking me questions. I sincerely hope my story helps someone, inspires them to keep coming to class, to take that first step, pushes them to finish a track, makes them think twice about what they put in their mouths, to never give up.

This could be Day One. I got that off a Les Mills poster, but it is really fitting for me right now. I'm half the woman I was four years ago, and I'm farther along than Day One, but I'm feeling like I'm at Day One all over again. Salvador's death, my dad's anniversary, both bringing things back in perspective. Feeling like my eating, while not OUT of control, certainly is not in control. I'm proud of how far I've come, but I'm not there yet. I'm not done. I don't feel FAT but I don't feel like I'm at my goal. So the rest of the summer will be spent paying attention to my food, adding more cardio and drinking more water. I'd like to be a bit fitter/thinner before the Mega Q in Texas at the end of August.

I had a few people tell me today to send in that picture to Les Mills. I wouldn't even know how to do that. I feel weird doing it, because it's like I'm showing off. I just want to inspire. I don't need to brag. I love hearing from people that I've inspired them. That's why I do this, why I blog, why I teach. To give back, to help people like I've been helped and supported. If I can do that, I don't need anything else.