Tears Of Frustration

Tonight was very difficult. I had a rotten day with the kids, more crying, parents helping and feeling like a brand new teacher with no control over my class. I was so embarrassed at the lack of control, but with 29 kids, 6 criers, 2 potential escapees, I completed 2 tasks today and they weren't even done well. If I were a drinker I'd be drunk right now.

Luckily for me and for my family, I am now a runner. But it was so weird tonight; running along side Stephanie, half way through she was pushing me to get to a certain landmark and I was having trouble breathing, and when I got to that point, I burst into tears. I couldn't even talk, or tell her why, I just couldn't stop crying. It's like the running released all the pent up frustration - the kids, the pressure at work, the frustration at not being able to breath effectively (in my mind), freaking out about doing 9 miles on Sunday, and worry that I won't make the 13 miles in the 4 hour time frame for the race. It took awhile of walking for me to even verbalize any of this to Steph. She is so awesome though. As I was beating myself up, she had a retort for every punch I gave myself. I guess I just had to vent, although I thought I had been doing that all along. She is definitely not going to let me talk myself into a pool of doubt, and I feel very fortunate to have her with me all the way. I just hope I don't lose it every time I run after a bad day.

She said to me that she knew all along I could do this. I had to raise my voice and say "HOW DO YOU KNOW?" She is the one that bugged me about doing this, but how does she know I can do this? I can do 2 classes back to back, but this is a whole different ball of wax. We haven't worked together for so long, and even then, she was middle school and I was kinder. But she saw, through all my posts on FB, a drive and determination, a potential for setting goals and reaching them. I am so good at the negative self talk, and I thought I had gotten past that for the most part.  But running has brought out all kinds of new demons inside of me, it's so new and like nothing I have ever done that the ugly monster is rearing it's head.

We got to the corner of Shell and RW Shores Parkway and she said from there till the end I could only stop at Bridge, which was about a mile away. I put my music on, she ran ahead of me, and I found a pace that I could work with, coupled with my music. We got to Bridge, and Bob and Stacey came up behind us and as I stopped to catch my breath, Bob insisted that I run the rest of the way with out stopping. After I cussed him out and told him that Steph said I could walk, he told me he didn't care and to get running. Well, I did, socked him in the arm at the end, and practically collapsed.

This was tough, but it was 4 miles in 54 minutes (such a sad, sad pace, good grief how the hell am I gonna do 13 miles in 4 hours) but I finished and have to believe that I will make it through this school year with my sanity and my commitment to exercise and fitness. Otherwise I will spontaneously combust. And THAT will not be pretty.