Seems like forever that I have been able to sit and blog. I really miss it but it's been so crazy with the end of the school year approaching. May was nuts: after I blogged the day before Mother's Day, I was struck down with intense upper back pain, couldn't work out for almost a week and had to have adjustments, heat therapy, ultrasound and a massage. Then I started having knee pain, not pain really but the knees started feeling "off" so I now take more days off from the gym, a day off between each Combat/Pump duo, and am starting to not be so crazy about working out but listening to my body and taking more care with it.
Still haven't lost any weight. Well, I am not sure because a couple of weeks ago I had an "aha" moment (yes, another one) and I am now truly not obsessed with the scale. I went to the GAP and found a pair of black pants like the blue ones I bought in February (size 14) in a size 12. I tried them on and while they were a bit snug, they FIT!! I was stoked and thought that I would get them as my next pair of goal pants. The next week, I was at Kohl's with Cassie and I saw some pants that Jessica and I had tried on when I was a size 16 and they didn't fit well, too tight and not a good style. Well, I was a 14 now and saw the pants again and decided to try a 12 and 14. I didn't really believe I was a 12 so I brought the 14 as a back up. We went to the dressing room and I thought I would try on the 12's and get it over with. I pulled them up, they went up and over my hips, I buttoned them, I BELTED THEM......and started to cry. It finally hit me then that yes, I am a size 12 . NEVER in my life. Yeah, maybe in high school, but I have always been overweight and in high school I never wore jeans or any clothes that were not elastic, so I don't know what size I was. All I know is the last time I was a 14, I was sick with Grave's disease, hyperthyroidism. And I was sickly. So a size 12 is a phenomenal step for me. The pictures above are me in those pants, both tucked in (didn't feel comfortable with that) and left out. Wow. I am still in a bit of shock.
Then a few days ago I went to Costco and saw some pants, Calvin Klein cargo type pants, very cute, for only $19 and some Dockers capris for $18 and picked up both in a size 12. I felt confident that those would fit me, without trying them on. That is SO NEW for me. And then the sheer joy when I put the Calvins on, they FIT, and looked GOOD......I think I'm in heaven. I never knew clothes could be so fun. I feel so much more confidence. Franklin said I shake my butt more when I walk now. Uh, puh-lease. Maybe I am walking differently now because my butt looks different from all those squats and lunges I'm doing!
While it's getting a bit expensive, I am having a great time with the clothes. What is more amazing to me, though, is that I really don't have a desire to weigh myself now. I will measure myself every couple of weeks but I really am feeling like the pounds don't matter - it's how I feel in my clothes. I have been told this by multiple sources, that it's all about how you fit in your clothes. I thought, "yeah, yada, yada, blah, blah." Now I really believe it because I started in January as an 18-20. I am now a 12. Yet I have only lost (at last weigh in) 22 pounds. How is that possible?? EXERCISE. I am a true believer.
I also had a very scary episode last Friday that ties into my fitness journey. I was on yard duty at lunch and I usually walk around the play structure. That day I did not. I was standing at the front of the playground and I noticed Michelle clinging to a pole, and I thought "Just let go, sweetie" thinking she was scared to jump. Then I noticed her Boys and Girls Club lanyard up around the top of the pole and realized she was stuck. I ran over to her (about 25 feet or so) and hoisted her up, felt how damned tight the lanyard was around the pole, hoisted her more and unwrapped the lanyard from the pole. She was red in the face, crying and had red marks around neck. I walked her to the office where they called home.
I knew it was serious, but I just thought, good thing I was right there. It wasn't until the afternoon when I was in the car telling Franklin about it and he said "Good thing you have been working out. If you hadn't been as strong as you are now, you may not have been able to lift her up." I realized then that she is a big girl; if she had gotten tired and let go, she could have snapped her neck with her body weight, choked herself, hanged herself......I lost it then and started sobbing. I realized that I actually saved her life. Yes, maybe adrenaline would have kicked in if I had not been as strong, but things happen for a reason and I know that I was there to save her.
I realized that my fitness journey, while I am doing it for ME, actually has benefits to others. My god, if I can save a life because I am fit??!! That never occurred to me before. I told Alex I will never complain about push ups ever again. Then in his classes on Tuesday, I kicked it up a notch and realized something else: rather than complain about certain difficult moves, or sit ups, or push ups or lunges that I always hated, these moves are the bridge to my fitness goals and the betterment of my overall health and body. Plus these moves are changing my body in ways I never dreamed and I may be able to help others because of it.
So many "aha" moments. I am so freaking thrilled at how I am feeling and how my attitude is changing towards exercise. I haven't dreaded exercise for so long now; but I have dreaded or complained about certain body part exercises. Not anymore. They are helping me, changing me, inside and out.
I embrace the hard work. I embrace the temporary pain. I embrace the soreness I experience the next few days. Will I complain to anyone about how hard working out is?
NEVER AGAIN. Bring it on.
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