Changes are A-Happening

*Sigh.* Change. I have never been one to shy away from changes. Sure I may bitch and complain at times, but I have always embraced it because it means I am growing. It is too easy to get comfortable and stay stagnant. With all the changes that have been going on in my life and my body the last 6 months, I would be a hypocrite to say I don't like change.

But this week threw me for a loop. On Tuesday we walked into the gym and saw that there was something happening outside of Gold's. Alex then informed us before class that Crunch had bought out both the Redwood City and San Mateo locations, and that the future of our beloved Les Mills classes were unknown. Well, that just freaked me out because while I love change, I embrace change, I don't want these classes to CHANGE!! They are what changed me and my body! What will I do without them? I don't like to do machines anymore. They bore me. I don't like other instructors - they aren't as intense or as great. It weighed on my mind all during the next two hours. It was all over Facebook. It was the subject between us regulars at Willi's classes on Thursday. I know there is nothing we can do to change the direction this new gym may take, but what about us and our needs??!! Carolina suggested we write a letter to the gym, a petition with signatures, and say that if they get rid of our classes, we will all defect. I am not sure if we should jump the gun before we know what they are really going to do, or if we should do something like that in anticipation of change, to help sway them. I don't know.

All I know is I am a FIRM believer in that everything happens for a reason. When one door closes, another opens. It is not WHAT happens to us, but how we HANDLE what happens to us. So I sit and ponder right now, and will try out some other classes just to see if I find something I love. I seriously doubt any class I could take right now will come close to how much I love my Les Mills classes. But what am I to do if they go away? I can follow them to another gym, up to a point. Bladium in Alameda offers a ton of them, but it's too damn far to go to as regularly as I go now. Maybe I could swing once a week but that won't be enough for me. There is talk that 24 fitness will bring in those classes. But will our instructors go there? It's almost not enough for just the classes to be offered; Alex, Kimi and Willi are a package deal for me and so many others. I am going to go to Alameda on Sunday to try Body Attack with Alex. I took it a few months ago in Roseville and am curious, now that I am a bit more fit, to see how well I keep up with my endurance.

In terms of my progress, I weighed in yesterday for the first time in awhile and have finally  moved down a bit. I am out of the 170's!! YAY! Then the scale went right back under the bed. No obsessing for me. It feels good to look at it as just a number, and not an obsession. My size 12's are awesome. I have spent a lot of time with my nieceAmanda this week, and she is amazed at how much I have changed. She even took me running a couple of days ago. Kept encouraging me, not pushing too hard but not letting me give up. I could almost like running outdoors if I had someone to do it with who would push me. Not sure if my knees could handle it, but it felt good.

I was giving Franklin a hug the other day and felt something uncomfortable under my chest. When I pulled back to see what was up, I realized I was pressing on my RIBS!!! OMG I have never even felt my ribs and to feel them as I was hugging, I actually started laughing! What a weird sensation. I also find myself running my hands up and down my torso a few times a day, because I am amazed at the lack of rolls on my midsection. I know that ifif I just toned up, I would be much happier. I don't care if I lose 10 or 20 more pounds. I don't even know how much more I need to lose, just that I am not at my goal yet. But if I could tone and get rid of the excess that is hiding my muscles, I would be happy. Alexander is worried that I will lose more weight, and doesn't want me to get any skinnier. He has no concept of how much I should weigh, but it is funny that he is so adamant about me staying like I am. I think it's because he has, his entire life, had a fat mom. He doesn't know what to make of me as a fit mom. He is afraid I will become "too" skinny, but I actually am not worried about that at all. I will always be hippy and I prefer that. I am toning, firming and I don't think I will ever be too skinny, but I am not where I want to be yet. And I am not in any kind of rush, either. Summer is here and I am perfectly happy to spend it at the size I am, because I know I will be working hard this summer to continue to get fit.

I bought my first pair of jean shorts EVER today!! Another clothing first. Love it.

Sigh. I can't help thinking if my workouts will be changing. Again, I embrace change but I am so hooked on my two favorite classes, and I know that I have to change things up to continue to change my body. So I added a couple of extra days of cardio. I will be doing Body Flow with Kimi in the next few weeks, after I finish summer school. But I don't want to give up my two, Combat and Pump. This new gym has online a HUGE list of classes they offer at their various facilities. Some sound really interesting, like Pole Dancing (hahaha) and a Balance Beam workout (low on the floor). It may not be a bad thing to see which classes they bring here and if I like any of them. I just don't want to give up LM classes. This is on my mind constantly these days.

*Boo hoo.* *Sob.* *Sigh.* *Sniff.*

Change is good. I know it is. But what about when the thing that changed your life for the better is the thing that may change? How can that be good? :(

What an Emotional Week

Phew! I am glad this week is over, essentially. It has been a long one.It was the last week of school for me, kindergarten ended on Thursday so there was all of that work to be done  - making their cd's, filing report cards, the celebration and party on the last day, cleaning the classroom, packing for the summer (still not done), and planning for Summer Bridge to start on Monday for 3 weeks. If it weren't for the $$, I would not do it. I need a break and I want to try new classes at the gym during the day that I can't do until mid-July.


Wednesday we had a funeral to go to, Olga, my sister-in-law, her nephew, Alan, who was almost 17 was killed in a car accident. Following his teacher mom to school early one morning, drifted over the center line and struck an empty school bus. Killed instantly. Freaked me out, makes me not want to let Alexander drive till he's 21 but I know that is not reality. We will make sure he gets defensive driving courses as he is learning how to drive, but since I have been in many accidents myself, I know that experience makes a difference and there is so much you can't teach. I just have to hope that he is here for a long time and that he will always be careful. I think of me, stupidly learning how to drive at 12, yes, 12 years old. My cousin Sharon, such a bad influence on me, taught me to drive at 12 in the parking lot at Vallco Shopping Center at midnight. She would then come to pick me up, drive away from the house, and we would switch places. I was so damn lucky that I never got caught, got in an accident....I was driving illegally from 12-15! I would drive from Redwood City to Cupertino regularly! It's a bloody miracle I never screwed up. So I know the pull to want to drive, the desire to get behind the wheel. I would like to shelter my boy as long as I can but I know I can't. All I can do is let him get his permit and give him as much behind the wheel time with one of us parents to guide him and teach him. But I still don't know if I would let him drive alone until I was confident that he had some defensive techniques to draw upon. Scary stuff out there.

Then my last baby, my beautiful girl Cassie, graduated from preschool yesterday. I think how my students' parents always want kindergarten graduation, which I think is silly because they are just going to first grade, and now preschool? how is that so different? But man oh man, I was a blubbering idiot yesterday, as shown in the picture with me and Cassie. The preschool did such a great job, little blue caps and gowns, pomp and circumstance music as they walked in, diplomas and everything. We each got a binder with their work, a laminated keepsake with all the graduates pictures on them, a cd with a slideshow.....I am totally impressed with them. Then they showed a slideshow with pictures and music of all the graduates, of things they did in school, even one of each of them sleeping at nap time. I could hardly see through all my tears! Franklin even heard a mom say to her husband "I'm not standing near her, or I will start to cry!" Geez. I couldn't look anyone in the face! Cassie was so amazing, seemed so much more mature and didn't freak out, smiled like a champ for so many pictures, and was so excited to go through it. I am so excited that she will be going to kindergarten at Adelante and will be bilingual!

On the fitness side, I am reading a book by Tom Venuto called Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle and am totally loving it. I am at the point in my journey where I need to really start looking at the types of food I am eating, not just the total calories in.  I am learning how to eat, how often and the right types of food, fitting it all together with my fitness routine, how to check body composition and fat loss rather than pounds. It is so totally interesting and I am thrilled to be finally putting it all together. I'm still doing my 3 times a week, double set of classes, combat and pump, but this week I added 2 extra days of cardio. I am hoping to burn off some of the outer layer of fat that is remaining; I can see and feel the muscles underneath, in my abs, my thighs, etc. but the outer layer of flab is so annoying. So extra cardio and researching how to better feed my body, because even though I am keeping my overall calorie intake lower than my calorie burn, I am not losing much weight. I finally weighed myself this week, after 3 weeks of not thinking about it, and I am down 3 pounds, so that's good. I just think there should be a way to tone up better, and maybe my body is getting accustomed to my 6 hours of Les Mills classes a week and I need to do something in addition and shake it up.

All in all a long week, can't wait for these 3 weeks of bridge to be over so I can focus on my home, my family and my fitness. I love summer but I don't feel like it is here yet!

Time for an UPDATE!!!

Seems like forever that I have been able to sit and blog. I really miss it but it's been so crazy with the end of the school year approaching. May was nuts: after I blogged the day before Mother's Day, I was struck down with intense upper back pain, couldn't work out for almost a week and had to have adjustments, heat therapy, ultrasound and a massage. Then I started having knee pain, not pain really but the knees started feeling "off" so I now take more days off from the gym, a day off between each Combat/Pump duo, and am starting to not be so crazy about working out but listening to my body and taking more care with it.

Still haven't lost any weight. Well, I am not sure because a couple of weeks ago I had an "aha" moment (yes, another one) and I am now truly not obsessed with the scale. I went to the GAP and found a pair of black pants like the blue ones I bought in February (size 14) in a size 12. I tried them on and while they were a bit snug, they FIT!! I was stoked and thought that I would get them as my next pair of goal pants. The next week, I was at Kohl's with Cassie and I saw some pants that Jessica and I had tried on when I was a size 16 and they didn't fit well, too tight and not a good style. Well, I was a 14 now and saw the pants again and decided to try a 12 and 14. I didn't really believe I was a 12 so I brought the 14 as a back up. We went to the dressing room and I thought I would try on the 12's and get it over with. I pulled them up, they went up and over my hips, I buttoned them, I BELTED THEM......and started to cry. It finally hit me then that yes, I am a size 12 . NEVER in my life. Yeah, maybe in high school, but I have always been overweight and in high school I never wore jeans or any clothes that were not elastic, so I don't know what size I was. All I know is the last time I was a 14, I was sick with Grave's disease, hyperthyroidism. And I was sickly. So a size 12 is a phenomenal step for me. The pictures above are me in those pants, both tucked in (didn't feel comfortable with that) and left out. Wow. I am still in a bit of shock.

Then a few days ago I went to Costco and saw some pants, Calvin Klein cargo type pants, very cute, for only $19 and some Dockers capris for $18 and picked up both in a size 12. I felt confident that those would fit me, without trying them on. That is SO NEW for me. And then the sheer joy when I put the Calvins on, they FIT, and looked GOOD......I think I'm in heaven. I never knew clothes could be so fun. I feel so much more confidence. Franklin said I shake my butt more when I walk now. Uh, puh-lease. Maybe I am walking differently now because my butt looks different from all those squats and lunges I'm doing!

While it's getting a bit expensive, I am having a great time with the clothes. What is more amazing to me, though, is that I really don't have a desire to weigh myself now. I will measure myself every couple of weeks but I really am feeling like the pounds don't matter - it's how I feel in my clothes. I have been told this by multiple sources, that it's all about how you fit in your clothes. I thought, "yeah, yada, yada, blah, blah." Now I really believe it because I started in January as an 18-20. I am now a 12. Yet I have only lost (at last weigh in) 22 pounds. How is that possible?? EXERCISE. I am a true believer.

I also had a very scary episode last Friday that ties into my fitness journey. I was on yard duty at lunch and I usually walk around the play structure. That day I did not. I was standing at the front of the playground and  I noticed Michelle clinging to a pole, and I thought "Just let go, sweetie" thinking she was scared to jump. Then I noticed her Boys and Girls Club lanyard up around the top of the pole and realized she was stuck. I ran over to her (about 25 feet or so) and hoisted her up, felt how damned tight the lanyard was around the pole, hoisted her more and unwrapped the lanyard from the pole. She was red in the face, crying and had red marks around neck. I walked her to the office where they called home.

I knew it was serious, but I just thought, good thing I was right there. It wasn't until the afternoon when I was in the car telling Franklin about it and he said "Good thing you have been working out. If you hadn't been as strong as you are now, you may not have been able to lift her up." I realized then that she is a big girl; if she had gotten tired and let go, she could have snapped her neck with her body weight, choked herself, hanged herself......I lost it then and started sobbing. I realized that I actually saved her life. Yes, maybe adrenaline would have kicked in if I had not been as strong, but things happen for a reason and I know that I was there to save her.

I realized that my fitness journey, while I am doing it for ME, actually has benefits to others. My god, if I can save a life because I am fit??!! That never occurred to me before. I told Alex I will never complain about push ups ever again. Then in his classes on Tuesday, I kicked it up a notch and realized something else: rather than complain about certain difficult moves, or sit ups, or push ups or lunges that I always hated, these moves are the bridge to my fitness goals and the betterment of my overall health and body. Plus these moves are changing my body in ways I never dreamed and I may be able to help others because of it.

So many "aha" moments. I am so freaking thrilled at how I am feeling and how my attitude is changing towards exercise. I haven't dreaded exercise for so long now; but I have dreaded or complained about certain body part exercises. Not anymore. They are helping me, changing me, inside and out.

I embrace the hard work. I embrace the temporary pain. I embrace the soreness I experience the next few days.  Will I complain to anyone about how hard working out is?

NEVER AGAIN. Bring it on.