I feel a bit sad today. Not just because it's my dad's birthday, and since he has been gone, I spend the day remembering him and how we spent his birthday in years past. Mostly, as I got older and had kids, just taking him out for a meal or spending a couple of hours with him, then leaving to do our own thing. In hindsight, I wish I had spent more time with him, not just on his birthday but in general. He loved me so much, and I took for granted that he would always be there, and now he's not, and regret is a terrible emotion. I know he would be so proud of me right now, and how far I have come. We were fellow couch potatoes, sedentary to a fault, and after my parent's divorce, as a kid, we would spend time together eating, going to the movies or watching tv.
As he got older and had more health problems, mobility was not much of an option for him, and he spent most of his days in front of the tv, able to move around with a walker, and then the last year, on a scooter. It became difficult to take him anywhere because it was so hard for him to move around. I don't want to spend the last two hours of this decade remembering the tough times for him, but it's hard when his birthday is always at the end of the year to not reflect in some ways.
After he died, of complications from diabetes, congestive heart failure, heart attack, etc. I began on my journey. I had just turned 40, had lost dad the summer before, and didn't want to end up like him healthwise. Because of him, and all the pain he suffered, I wanted to make a change for me, for my children, for my future. I wish he were alive to know how much he influenced me. I know he knows it, I know he has helped me while I have gone through this transformation, but I still can't help but wish that he were here to really see it. I have felt his presence many times, and I have drawn on that strength to get me through some tough times.
I feel so reflective tonight, and we just got home after a long day out. I left the house at 7:30 am to drive to San Jose and take BodyCombat and BodyFlow with Donna, and it was so much fun to finally meet her and get to know another member of my new Les Mills family. Then I stopped at 24 Hour Fitness and spoke to Chris, who checked and saw that my background check had cleared (on Christmas Eve!! which means I am now an official employee and can teach!) I came home, made breakfast, we then went to the mall to exchange some Christmas gifts and then Cassie and I went for long overdue manicures and I got a much needed pedicure. Alexander is at a friend's house for a party, which is strange because we always spend NYE together. That family invited us over for the festivities but I just want to stay home, get in my jammies and stay warm. I am in a very reflective mood because of the kind of year I have had and I just want to write whatever comes to mind.
I think back to 2000. The beginning of the new millennium. 10 years ago. Where the hell did the time go? So much has happened these last 10 years. 10 years ago was a lifetime ago from where I am at this moment. I was working for a dot-com as a Senior Project Manager. Alexander was only 6 years old. So much has happened since then....
*Tim, my brother's best friend from elementary school, was in a car accident with his wife Theresa and their son Mathew, 2 on 1-1-01 and was killed in that accident. It is impossible to fathom that was 10 years ago tomorrow. I still remember vividly the phone call from my brother, remember the pain that followed for everyone. And in the years since then, more changes. Ron falling in love with and marrying his best friend's wife, becoming a dad to Mathew, blending the families together. Can't imagine our family without them in our lives now.
*Getting laid off from my job after spending 4 months as a juror on a murder trial, causing me to put in action the steps to go back to school, get my credential and become a teacher.
*Being diagnosed with Graves disease, hyperthyroidism, and all the medication, testing, weight loss then weight gain that went along with it. Not being able to get pregnant because of it. Going into and remaining in remission.
*Having a miscarriage, then getting pregnant and having Cassie 11 years after Alexander. She is my miracle baby and an amazing child.
*Losing several aunts and uncles: Oom Huib, Oom Will, Tante Fien, Oom Dick, Oom Ben just this year. As my mother's brothers and sisters get older, it happens more frequently and is just sad because it means we are all getting older. Losing Franklin's grandparents, Mamita and Papalencho. Neither of them got to meet Cassie. Having great grandparents is special, something I never had, but I am thankful Alexander got to know them.
*Losing Dad. Enough said.
*Survived a major car accident on the freeway with Cassie, getting sideswiped by a huge gravel truck and walked away with minor injuries.
And then, the biggest transformation of all. This year alone, even though I began almost three years ago, has been the most amazing year of all, in terms of personal, emotional, spiritual and physical growth for me. I've blogged about my journey before, but I can't help but replay 2010 over and over in my head because that is the year it actually STUCK. This past year feels like it was fast forwarded, because of how my life has done such a complete 180 since last January. Last January, I had lost 30 pounds but was not consistent with food and exercise and was just living my life as a wife, mom and teacher.
Now, in December, I am an additional 30 pounds lighter, discovered a passion and desire for exercise and physical activity, began running, have run (okay, and walked) a half marathon, have made some new wonderful friends, trained to teach BodyPump and was just hired to be a group fitness instructor. HUH? Did I miss something? This is the stuff that happens over years and years. Not in just 12 short months.
It is so exciting to me to think about 2011. The first year of the second decade of the new millennium. Okay, whatever. It's a new year, and for the first time in my life, probably, I am really, truly certain that this year is going to be phenomenal. I'm always hopeful, always wish that the next year will be better than the last. But for the first time, I feel it in my gut. I can't help but be absolutely certain that it will be because I have witnessed a year that exceeded my wildest dreams.
I am a lucky woman, but also one that has rediscovered that I am not afraid of hard work, not afraid of putting myself out there. The only thing getting in the way was me, and I am not afraid anymore. Yes, I have frequent freak out moments. But I find it works for me. I need to voice the fear, feel reassurance, then face it head on and plow right through it. It takes hard work, consistency, drive, dedication, determination, blood, sweat, tears, laughter, teasing, embarrassment, pain, pain and more pain, but a whole lot of FUN FUN FUN. I don't think, looking back at the year, that I would trade any bit of what I went through. I don't think I would change or alter any of my experiences.
I am hopeful, excited, thankful, grateful for every person I have met, for every sore muscle I have had, for every tear I have shed. I am alive, I am loved, and I love.
Every moment of it. Bring it on, 2011. I am more than ready. I can't wait for the ride of a lifetime.
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