Elated yet Sad

I wonder how it's possible to feel really happy yet have an underlying feeling of sadness. It's an odd feeling, really. I have to say, I don't like it much.

I had a couple of emails/texts from instructors/friends today congratulating me on my AIM2 outcome. It was nice because each one brought a smile to my face, even though I did not expect the outcome. Hearing one of my new friends who lives in Seattle made Elite also made me so happy!

Part of the sadness comes from not being able to teach BodyPump right now. It really hit me tonight. I know it's temporary, and I also know its necessary because if I don't heal properly I will cause further damage and not be able to teach even longer. My last class was last Tuesday, a full week. I've been to the doctor, the chiropractor and have had two massages, with another scheduled tomorrow. I'm icing, heating, taking Advil, stretching and doing everything I'm supposed to. The pain is almost completely gone. I had a great adjustment with my chiropractor yesterday and wish I had gone last week. I've been having more tingling and numbness in my hands for about 2 weeks but it's been worse the last few days. I was afraid the carpal tunnel was getting worse and the doctor told me i should consider surgery which does NOT make me happy. After my adjustment he told me that my wrists and elbows were a mess, he released tension in my neck, and I have to say I have had NO tingling in my hands since yesterday. Yippee! He said I don't have true carpal tunnel, and it was a subluxation mod my bones so that does make me happy. I go back one more time on Friday. He suggested I take one more week off, so I've arranged for subs until a week from Saturday, when I hope to be able to get back to it. I have all classes covered except this Sunday so I may have to teach, and if I do, I'll have to use no weights. I don't want it to come to that. I hope someone picks up the class.

He also cleared me to exercise, just no weight bearing activities but he said I could run, do the elliptical. In fact he said the rotation of my shoulder is a good thing, as the shoulder is just fine and the pain I had was unrelated to the elbow. That pain is totally gone already.

So with that info, I happily planned to go to the gym tonight. I knew it would be weird to go when my class was being taught by Alex so I attempted to get in and out before class so I wouldn't run into my participants. Getting stopped by the police and getting a ticket kind of blew those plans, plus I had a heck of a time finding parking. This put me in the gym at the same time, and while I had hoped to avoid everyone to respect the fact that my class was going on without me, I still ran into a ton of people. But this is why I love my members. So many of them told me they missed me, gave me hugs, told me to get better so I can get back sooner. I know I left my classes in good hands, but it still left me with a strange ache knowing that I was in the cardio room and my class was going on without me.

I ran on the treadmill and actually enjoyed it. Only made it 1 mile, not that I couldn't have gone further, but the pants I was wearing, while a bit big on me and is okay for teaching BP, were HORRIBLE on the treadmill! They literally kept falling off of me, and I kept having to hike them up because I swear if anyone was behind me they would have gotten a show. I suppose it's a good thing but I was frustrated because I really felt like running and I couldn't continue. After a quick bathroom break and chats with a couple of participants, I went back to the cardio room and hopped on an elliptical. Knowing my class was starting, I jacked up the resistance to a 10 and plowed through for a straight 30 minutes. It felt great and I would have kept going but Cassie had been in the daycare long enough so I stopped. Had a conversation with Justin and Jason, looked longingly in the the Group X room as Alex taught my favorite back track and then couldn't torture myself any longer and left. But not before I signed up for 3 spin classes. I also ran into one of my regulars who came out to get water and she told me how nice my complexion looked! I told her it was from the cardio I had just done! Nothing like sweat to make you look dewey :)

I know it's crazy and dramatic to feel sad about not teaching. But BodyPump is my passion and I truly love teaching. So it's sad that I can't right now. I'll instead focus on my own fitness for once, and try to get in as much cardio as I can since I can't strength train. Cassie, Franklin and I went on a one hour walk Sunday and did a bunch of stairs at Canada college which was fun and really wiped her out.

There's another reason I feel so sad, which puts a damper on the happiness I'm also feeling. I won't go into detail, but a close friend said some things to me that really cut me like a knife in the heart. I can't understand why, what was said was meant to hurt and cause pain and it is something that I can't shake. People don't understand the power of words, especially the written word, when it's there for you to read and re-read over and over again, it hurts so
much. I am just confused because....well just because. I'm not looking for an apology, just some understanding. I don't think this person even realizes that was was said was so hurtful. I'm teary just thinking about it so it's time to just stop because I'm good at wallowing.

Sigh. Boy I can bring myself down quickly....