I am completely incapable of focusing on studying. I don't know what is wrong with me. Yes, I'm exhausted, but I think I was really deluding myself to think I had the time for this.
Yesterday we ended up going to Pacific Beach in San Diego and the boys had a great time playing soccer in the sand while Cassie and her daddy played at the waters edge. We left SD about 1:30 and again I drove my car the entire way back. Traffic was bad through LA but it was the frequent stops that took a long time. Seemed like forever and now I know what it feels like to overdose on coffee. The last one I had, I ordered right on the other side of the Grapevine and I've seen people order coffee with an add shot of espresso so I figured why not? The more caffeine the better to help me with the drive. Well, it tasted gross but I was already back in the car and had to suck it down. I didn't realize the effects of it till I got home, but we stopped at Casa de Fruta to go to the bathroom and I swear as I sat down, I thought we were having a small earthquake. I was shaking from the soles of my feet all the way through my core. Franklin and his group separated off from me at the 101/85 junction and I headed home on 280 with my kids and Ricky, and by the time I got to Page Mill road, I was seeing blurry so badly that the only thing that kept me going was the thought of my kids in the car with me. It was literally a miracle I made it home without crashing. This was midnight so it was more than 10 hours. When I got home and sat down, again I was shaking from the feet all the way up and it was at that moment I realized it was the caffeine giving me such jitters. Ugh.
I've been in workout withdrawals and planned to get up early and go to Amy's BodyPump class at PAC since there were no classes at 24.I woke up before 7:00 and when I went to the bathroom I was dizzy so I went back to bed realizing I needed more sleep. I ended up going to the 10:00 class with a different instructor and without going into detail, it was an extremely frustrating experience, especially after taking AIM. Needless to say I will be more selective at the classes I attend. It's amazing at how attentive I've become to technique and instructing in general over the last year. Which reminds me, I am coming up on my one year anniversary of my initial BP training, this next weekend. Blows my mind. More reflections on that later.
Last night I realized I did something incredibly stupid. I always shut off some breakers before we leave on a trip. Just the stove, the washer and dryer, a few things so I feel better about power not being on when we are not being home. Well last night I went to the freezer to take out a loaf of bread and wondered why it was not frozen, why it was cold and soft. Then I realized I shut off the breaker for the refrigerator. CRAP. So three days later......I spent a good part of today throwing out EVERYTHING from the fridge and freezer. Made me sick to my stomach. I had gone to Costco before we left and I had to toss it all. And go replace the basics. The ONLY good thing that came out of it was that Franklin and I gave the fridge a good interior cleaning, which it needed. But there went a part of the day that I had planned to unpack, do laundry and then study. Which isn't hard to do since I've lost it. My. Mind. I am not a college student. I am a wife, a mother, a teacher, a BodyPump instructor. I can multi-task like mad. Yet I can't study for this stupid exam. Which is not mandatory. I brought this upon myself. I signed up and paid the fee to take this. And I am seriously doubting that I can do this. So many other things take priority in my day to day life that the studying happens at the end of the day, and by that time I'm too tired for any of the reading to stick.
I think I need to be realistic about this and see if I can postpone this or something. Because I don't want to take this and fail. I might as well just not do it.
I'm not a quitter. But I am just losing faith that I can do this. If I were sans children, maybe. I just can't seem to focus or get anything done outside of work, kids, home and BodyPump.
I'm extremely disappointed in myself :-(
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